an opinion needed

[silentears]

ok so basically i need to explain the situation first. right theres this guy and i have had serious feelings for him over the past year and he is aware of how i feel about him but the thing is he is one big anti-love. he hates relationships never wants one ever again and despises love because hes been hurt bad before, so yeah im pretty screwed. hes a bit confused and living indenial atm. anyways we are great friends despite that i have feelings for him we are best mates. anyway the other night i had a dream about him, i dream him quite a bit but never like this. it was really errotic we were actually having sex and it was very graphic and i have never had a dream that seemed so real, i woke up in a sweat and also crying lol and could still feel him which was really weird. anyways i cant it out of my head so i wrote a, shall i say, very detailed version of that particular part of the dream as its the only way i could get it out of my system. but now i really want someone to read it and tell me what they think, whether its any good. but i cant ask someone who knows me as its fair to embarrassing so i thought id get some strangers to read it and tell me what you guys think. do your reckon you could do that for me? if so reply yes and i'll past it up in a bit. thanks hang on just had a thought will be it be ok to past that kinda thing on here cos its very erm full on.?????

[4getmenot]

yer post it but what did you want us to say. its just a dream. And have you told him how you feel. Maybe this thing about him not wanting a relationship is just an excuse so he doesnt hurt you by saying he doesnt feel the same way. Its difficult when you are mates.

[dee5]

You could always email to people who want to read it

[silentears]

its not so much for you guys to analyse it and tell me the meaning of it because ive kinda added alot more to it then was in the actual dream so its more just an account of the situtaion if it were to happen, if you get me. and 4get ive also wondered that but thing is he told me about his few on love way before he knew i had feelings for him and then when it eventually come out i then said yeah i dont feel the same way but not because its you because of my views. (yeah ive really looked into the whole thing, its quite sad really) so would you be happy posting your email addresses on here??

[4getmenot]

Even if you hadnt of told him he might have had an inkling. Or maybe just having rant.

[Kaylz1988]

Men are really stupid when it comes to reading signs. So he probabley dont even know you like him. I personally think u should just sit down talk to him, tell him how you feel. Who knows you could change his views about relationships. He already trusts you as ur best mates...

[cartman99]

Kaylz

1) get some work done :-)
2) I agree that most men cannot read signs unless they say "take next exit for Old Trafford".

Silentears, Sounds interesting, I love interpreting dreams, I have some of the most vivid dreams and can always make sense of them.

As for this chap, he may have been hurt in the past but he wont really mean these things he says, after a while it becomes habit, if you are friends already then this is a good base to move forward slowly.

[Kaylz1988]

Hey Cartman.

You cheeky sausauge. You get some work done!
I am working very hard... and I'm hopefully leaving at 3 :-) wooo!!

I dont think you should take much notice of a dream. After all it is a dream!! Think u just need 2 express ur feelings 2this bloke. :-)

[cartman99]

In at 12
out at 3?

[Kaylz1988]

No I started at 8.30 actually!!

[liquidspace]

Can you post the dream on here. Not many people would want to give out their email address I wouldnt have thought.

[joko]

what do you mean ''whether its any good''?

you then say its not for dream analysis...?

what exactly are you asking here?
you seem to want to sent people an almost pornographic account of a dream you had... why exactly?

[silentears]

basically i dont want it for analysis cos tbh as when writing it i added bits and cut out the vague bits that dreams seem to have so it flows better, so its a little more detailed then the dream but the scencario is the same. and i love writing and after writing it i was very chuffed with my work and normally id love to show people but i cant show anyone that knows me as its way to personally, which i know is weird cos im asking strangers to read it, but id more comfortable with that then my friends or family as its waaaaaaaay to graphic......so whats the verdict? shall i just go for it n paste it on here?

[silentears]

so im really just after an opinion on my writing as ive never written about sex like that before.

[silentears]

ok here goes....
He looks at me - those sapphire blue eyes, so dark and deep, full of so much mystery. When his eyes look directly at mine my breath is caught in my throat and I feel like he can see right through me, and I can see the pain and sorrow he feel as if it where my own emotion. I could get lost in those eyes; I could just fall into them swimming through their depths.
He gently strokes my cheek and runs his hands through one of my ringlets that�s flung over my shoulder. Our eyes are focused, transfixed. He mutters in a soft voice that I can just about hear �You�re beautiful, you are.� Those words echo around my mind, taking in every syllable as if I�ve waited my whole life to hear them, in this moment and I still cant believe that their genuine. He pulls me towards him and kisses me and I am overwhelmed by his scent as own aromas meet. I�m then entirely lost as his lips caress mine. I run my hands round his neck and over his shoulders as he slides down to grab my waist and he pulls me closer to him and I meet his warm, lustful body.
Impulsively I reach down to undo his trousers and I�m pulling him towards me as he undoes my shorts. He thrusts into me and pushes me against the wall. A pleasurable cry issues from my mouth as I feel him inside me. He reaches down and pulls my legs up around him and positions his hands on my bum supporting me against the wall. I wrap my arms around his back and we remain locked, kissing continuously, I feel his body ripple against mine, I move down to kiss his neck as a wave of passion flows throw my own body and as it reaches its peak I gentle bite his soft skin.......

[silentears]

He slides his hands up inside my top, stroking my back then pulls my vest and lace blouse over my head. I fall back further against the wall as he pushes me away from him tenderly using his mouth to work over my nipples. I express my pleasure as I gasp intensely and grope at his t-shirt bringing him deeper inside me. I lean back stretching up the wall and I tilt my head to the left and close my eyes, as I feel him retract momentarily as he is over powered by his body curling in an inner smile and I grin as cry�s of satisfaction emerge from his own mouth.
He brings one hand up to my face and runs it over my lips turning my face towards his. I open my eyes to meet his penetrating gaze. We brush our noises together and kiss again while our bodies continue to move simultaneously rocking. We kiss feverishly, I close my eyes once more and I feel like he�s more inside my head then ever before, as I explore every corner of his mouth with my tongue and consider every rhythmic movement of his body. Before I can stop myself hot tears flow from my eyes, running down my cheeks, intermingled with his and my sweat, cascading over our passing lips.
I continue to shed formidable tears that crash around him and I. He gradually leaves my mouth and moves up to my eyes and he begins to kiss my eyelids, slowly, at first, then more and more rapidly as my rain drops fall thick and fast, he follows them all over my face kissing every inch. I wrap my arms tightly around him again bringing us closer together and he also folds his hands around me. Constantly kissing every tear blessing it, as if it tumbles from my soul, we move as one and for a split second endure pure ecstasy together � united.
..........please tell me what you think of my writing and whether you think ive captured it.

[joko]

...hmm�needs a lot of work -feels like a first draft.

I�m going to be straight-talking, so don't be offended, just try to use it to fine tune.

Your spelling & grammar is terrible.
In Word, in spelling & grammar, turn on all the options, to show all the possible problems -a good start.

Your writing style randomly changes mid sentence, which interrupts the flow -one minute your soul is burning with passion, next he's groping your bum!
''...tenderly using his mouth... to work over my nipples!''
''he sticks his hand up my top''... then its a lace vest.
Tender & loving, then suddenly coarse style?
Also, don't write how you speak...keep to prose.

It�s riddled with cliches that sound like every other book of this genre -try to find some not so obvious ones.

Sudden insertions of elaborate language is unnecessary & seems out of place with the rest of the prose, such as -''formidable tears that crash around him''
Were tears simply running down your face, or were you wracked with violent sobs?

Descriptions of tilting your head, hair ''flung'' over your shoulder, ''he reaches down ... & positions his hand on my bum supporting me against the wall'' ... just say something simple like - he thrusts me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist, holding him tight... don't remove the passionate abandon with ''technical'' explanations

In some sentences, there�s too much random irrelevant detail, & over explaining & in others there�s not enough -he reaches for your shorts... then he's thrusting away... where�s the build up, the bit in between?

Some words you�ve chosen are not right for the intended meaning

Some sentences are clumsily written, & it�s hard - in places - to visualise the scene.

A lot of ''stream of consciousness'' rather than constructed sentences & story flow
<

[joko]

cont ;

Then, with no explanation or lead up, you burst in tears...??

You need a start, middle & end - a build up, crescendo & aftermath - it is all on one level of intensity, & is inconsistent.


However, you have a basis & you have passion, & sometimes the prose is good, & conveys the meaning well - showing that you do have some ability, (if they�re truly original lines) -so just keep tweaking it, & I�m sure you will come up with something.

Hope this helps, & come back with the edit.

[silentears]

lol so apart from totally trashing my work you think there are a few valid points lol and i have SOME ability!!
dont get me wrong, i understand your probably the kind of person that will jump down my throat now that im critising what you have said about my work, so before i go any further i will say i did ask you for you opinion and thank you for sharing its interesting to hear how what you think but seriously there seems to be very few positives with what i wrote, accordng to you.
and also before you say so, i can take critisism and use it to my advantage so i will take what you said into account. but theres a few things i have to pick up with you....
firstly, this is a first draft but it is also the only draft, i dont intend to work into it or add or deduct anything and i know that may seem a bit pointless considering i asked your opinion on it but that was purely to see how people reacted to it, it wasnt to develop it and take it any further. you must understand this bit of writing was a purely inpulsive, i just had to get it out of my system and i never plan to write like this ever again - this was a one off, thats why i needed someone to read it to tell me what they thought.
secondly i dont care that my grammar and spelling is poor, you get the gist its about whats theres that matters but i guess according to you thats pretty rubbish anyway so...lol

[silentears]

thirdly with my writing style of being all tender and loving then "course" style was not a mistake like you seem to think. can you not see how phrases like "Impulsively I reach down to undo his trousers" and "He slides his hands up inside my top" (note "he slides" not sticks like you wrote, just seems to make it more vulgar when you re-phrased it like that.) anyway can you not see how sudden expressions and gesture to the sexual aspect make it more passionate?? maybe its the just the way i view it but i think that they are just as lovey-dovey, in this circumstance, as the more soppy phrasings. my intention was to mix them both to try and show that.
fourthly i wrote it as i spoke cos i thought it would work in favour considering it was from my perspective.
fithly, and i know this is petty but i cant let it go, you mentioned how one minute it was a "top" then next it was a lace vest. just so you know it was a vest and a lace blouse over the top and i referred to it as a top as thats what it is regardless whether its a shirt, t-shirt or, as it is a layered vest and lace blouse. (i didnt include the significance of this in my writing as i thought it would kill the moment but this was in my dream and i was wearing this particular vest and lace blouse which happens to be a top i really want atm and everytime i go to get it the shops either closed, i dont have enough money , or they dont have it n my size - you see i want this top like i want this guy thats why i was wearing it my dream.)
anyway sixthly what cliches are you referring to? i can assure you this 100% my own work, i dont copy and its original.

[silentears]

seventhly why does it matter at what rate my tears are falling? it made me smile actually cos at one point you are saying that im making it too complicated with technical explanations, which btw, was intended to give a real idea of what was happening and exactly how as i didnt like the idea of just leaving and i dunno saying "then we were caught up in a whirl of passion..." you know? but then in the same breathe you are saying theres not enough detail and what more build up can i include from when hes undoing my shorts to thrusting?
eighthly you suggest i should you phrasings like - he thrusts me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist, holding him tight which i did include before.
ninthly like i said i meant to write it as if i spoke it, like a stream of consciousness as i just wrote what i experienced, just like that.
and finally again you ask about why i was crying and yes i know i didnt explain that or why he was kissing my tears but i thought id leave that up to the imagination. again here you have contradicted yourself you were complaining earlier on that there was, in some cases, too much detail and unecessary information and yes i'd agree with you what there was lack of explaination about why i was crying but that was deliberate. and also i dont agree with what you said about how i need to use the classic layout of start, middle and end with climax and aftermath why? why does everything need to follow such a ridge structure, it may be all on one level of intensity but then can you not see that makes the whole scene so passionate and intense? plus i thought the cresendo was the crying part.
anyway i want to thank you for what youve said, it was interesting to see how it came across and i will consider some of your points when writing again.