should i let my mother in law see my son

[joro]

up untill recently i have got on reasonabley well with her. she has let us down many times with baby sitting coming up with silly excuses but i havent got involved and left it to my partner. this time she has crossed the line big time. my son has chickenpox we asked her to watch him one day while we both worked and she refused saying she wont be stuck in the house for any one. the reason for saying this is that she is no longer on my car insurance as it is cheaper for me to take her off. but the problem is she had a car that day all i had to do was fit the car seat and there would be no problem. obviously she has done this out of spite and her selfish behaviour got my back up. because i have told her what i think she now slags me off constantly blames everthing on me and says i have brain washed her son she also says she will see my son when she wants not when i want. i swear i feel like she is 15 not 50 what is wrong with this woman? do i really want her around my baby she is clearly unstable!!!!

[raysparx1]

Hi joro, very sad when things turn out like this, but she sure does sound like a right old cow, I wouldn't cut all ties at the moment, but would not contact her either,let her make the first move, if she doesn't come round and start acting as she should, you will know exactly where you stand, it is her loss,not yours, in the meantime just live your life without the old bat, take care, Ray

[3Rainbows]

Hi Joro,

I think some people are always going to have problems with the mother in law! I think you and your partner need to stick together on this? Does her behaviour grate on him as much as it does you?

[skyep]

joro - In my opinion, I think it is unfair to presume your mother inlaw should automatically be available for your child. If your son was ill, then either you or your husband should have taken the time off work. For you to even consider not allowing her access to her grandchild is spiteful beyond belief! May be you have asked her once too often?

[RATTER15]

Some mother-in-laws are like that, I remember my ex mother-in-law, I bought her a chair for her birthday and the ungrateful cow wouldn't even plug it in!!!

[joro]

yeah she has had him tears this passed year with it. he has had to phone her so many times cause she keeps letting us down to ask what the problem is.
my son loves his grandma thats what makes it sad.
all this time she has not liked me and pretended to. she has brought up things from years ago tiny little things that no normal person would remember or even think about ever again but has stored them and now everytime my partner sees her she has a rant about me. when the bottom line is she has let us down.
he is gutted but i cant help but think that he has allowed me to speak my mind now me and his mum have fallen out but he still goes round there.
the last time she did this she didnt see our son for three week but my partner still went there on his own. he doesnt really help the situation whe he does that cause it does put it on me then, by giving into her its like saying its me who has the problem when its him too.

[joro]

she doesnt have him often at all. we used to ask but she would saying she is going out then we would find out she didnt actually go out. other times she would say yes and we would make arranments to go out and a day before we are due to go or on the day she says not having him now sorry. no real explanation at all.
the last time we fell out was because his little sister asked to stay with us like all kids do she asks all the time and we said sorry not tonight.
because we said no she refused to baby sit for three week. we didnt say no his mum the adult we said no to a child but she took it all the wrong way. if she had asked us to babysit we would have said yes. but kids cant get what they want all the time.

[3Rainbows]

I think the issues here run deeper.

Why don't you bite the bullet and invite her round for dinner? Then once your son has gone to bed you three sit down and talk things through. Try to find out what her issues are the reasoning behind her behaviour. Also let her know how you and hubby feel about all of this.

Let her know you are not in competition with her for her son and you respect the fact that she is your other halfs mother and sons granny etc. And you'd rather get along than not.

If you dont have this out in an amicable way your life will become more miserable where she is concerned.

And realistically she'll only be able to see your son when you and your husband permit?

I hope you het things sorted.x

[Octavius]

That is a really difficult question to answer since we don�t really know what this woman is like, only what you tell us.

I suppose you should ask yourself if you �punish� the mother in law by not letting her see her grandson, who will be most affected? The mother in law, your son or your partner?

[joro]

the way i see it is. everytime we ask her to have him she says no. in the argument she told me she wont say how high wehn i say jump and she will see my son when she wants not when i want.
so really she answered the question for me. she clearly doesnt want to see him as she always says no anyway and as we are not talking she wont be popping in out of the blue and i certainly wont be going there so she has done it to herself really. if she wont help us then i dont see why she should get rewarded for that and also.
the slagging me off for no reason is getting redicoulous. i text her last nigh and reminded her she was an adult and there is no need to slag me off. she doesnt even say it to me just to other people thats what i cant stand. i blatanly told her what i think of her.
she just text back saying LOL.
thats why i thought its amusing isnt it a grown women having to be reminded of her age.

[Octavius]

So she would only get to see her grandson as a �reward� for helping?

Sorry, that just sounds a little strange to me. Have you considered how your partner is feeling amidst all of this spite?

[joro]

in my eyes familys should come together and help eachother if she is saying no for selfish reasons like "why should i stay in and look after him" it was one day it wouldnt kill her she doesnt work we do all we ask for is help sometimes. and she keeps saying no and blames it on me.
if someone is refusing to help you would you help them?

im not saying she cant see him, she is!
she doesnt want to look after him so how is she going to see him cause i am not going out of my way to take him to her house and sit and have a cup of tea when she is slagging me off behind my back. and she certainly is not coming to my house. she made her bed she can lie in it. she chose for it to be like this not me.

[Octavius]

Perhaps she feels that she has a life to lead and you have responsibilities as a parent to care for your child. Of course it would be nice if she volunteered to help out occasionally, but to expect it and to reward her/deny her on a whim just seems a little childish.

It would appear her gripe is with you, not with your son � perhaps, for the sake of your son, your partner and the �family� unit, you should be take the adult initiative and just resolve this matter amicably. Without knowing you or the mother it is, as I said, very difficult to have a balanced opinion.

[joko]

she is under no obligation to look after your child.
being a grandparent does not mean you have to provide babysitting duties.

you seem to think it is her job.

as you said "in your eyes, family pull together" - well not everyone feels that way and not all families feel that way.

just because you expect her to look after your child whenever you ask - and seemingly in order to be rewarded with seeing her grandson - doesn't make it fact.

as others have said - your child is your responsibilty, not hers and if she doesn't want to baby sit then she doesn't have to - and she doesn't have to give a reason.

obviously it would be nice if she was a nice to you and wanted to look after your child, but she isn't - so why keep asking her?

[joko]

and "crossed the line big time" ....?

just because she wouldn't babysit??