Email from a friend

[Octavius]

Having just spent a weekend away with a few friends and having a good time, one of them has just emailed me and said that they were very disappointed with some things I said over the weekend and that I should consider what I am saying in future.

My obvious response was that I have no idea what they were on about and if I was offensive I wish they had told me at the time so that we could have sorted it there and then, to which the reply was: "I know exactly what you said when and where, particularly insulting but never mind"

Now I have been known to be a bit offish occasionally especially after a few drinks, but it is never my intention to do harm or offend someone, so I wrote back and asked what specifically I had said or done as I can only really get to the bottom of it, if I know what I am accused of. That was a few hours ago, with no further response. Any thoughts? I can't say I am particularly bothered as the emails are quite childish and petty, but I was clueless to this until I got the first email this morning, should I let it go until they respond, or should I pick up the phone and have it out?

[4getmenot]

if its someone that you see alot and care about the friendship then call them rather than e-mail back and forth. If its not someone you care for that much just ignore them and dont give them the satisfaction of winding you up

[redcrx]

If it was me then I would ask a friend who was also there if they can think what it was i supposedly said.

Until you know then theres nothing you can do about it is there and unless they tell you they will never get an aoplogy.
Maybe theyve calmed down now and realised that its not worth falling out over

[Doc Spock]

Pick up the phone and talk.

First sentence " We really can;t leave things like they are "

I am sorry if offence was caused, must have had a drink too many, please tell me what I said as I really cant remember.

Are they good enough friends to be worth grovelling to ?

[China Doll]

Personally I'd give it a day or two and them cool down a little.

Then I'd probably just call and say something along the lines of if I caused offence i apologise, it was not my intention and leave it at that. If they can't accept the apology so be it. If they'd like to discuss it that's fine too. Chances are they'll want to just move on.

I wouldn't try getting to the bottom of it particularly as if they were that worried about me knowing they'd have told me what I said to my way of thinking.

[B00]

CD's far more civilised than me! I'd HAVE to know what it was that I'd said.

Gotta say, it does seem rather silly to tell you that you'd committed a faux pas (word of the day loo roll again) but not tell you what it was. How do you know you won't do it again?

I'm afraid I'd have to ring them and get to the bottom of it.

[Octavius]

That sounds the most sensible CD.

Personally I don�t think that any friend should be grovelled to. If something that I had said or done had caused so much consternation, then I would imagine that either the friend would say so there and then, or anyone who overheard would tell me I was out of order. If I had said something out of turn then I am man enough to apologise in front of everyone, but cryptic messages just pee me off. I prefer it when people tell it how it is, so things can be washed, aired and ironed out straight away.

If it is a stag weekend and you tell someone who is being a bit sensible and un-partying to let their hair down a bit and join the fun � is that insulting? It really is the only thing I can think of.

[China Doll]

Insensitive possibly but not insulting. If they already felt a bit like they were the 'boring' (not saying they are) one then it might have hurt their feelings but that's not really your fault. That's their own to deal with.

And you're right, cryptic messages are childish. Hence my opinion that to try and get to the bottom of it is pandering to them and as you say that's not right. Friends say 'you did this and you really hacked me off...' or they accept that we all have our off days and brush off a meaningless comment. They don't send cryptic messages that will upset the person.

[Skreecheeboy]

Sounds like they don't want it to be committed to paper. Best to speak to them. Emails can easily be dragged up and used against you if they are of a paranoid disposition that may be why they have been reluctant to email back. I'd just ask if they want to get together for a blether and a drink to sort it out.

[smudge]

I'm afraid I'd go along with BOO & get it over & done with.

I would simply phone the person who sent the email & say:

"Hi, so-in-so - I'm a bit busy at work at the moment, but just calling in response to the email you sent me today. I really can't think of what I must have said to upset anyone on Saturday evening, so p'raps you could enlighten me....."

If it's something you feel you should apologise for, then I'd do so. If not, I'd just laugh it off & say, "Oh, is that it?". "To be honest, I don't even remember saying that & I'm sorry that you or whoever took it the wrong way - I would only have meant it in a light hearted way".

I'm sure the person would then feel a little silly at emailing you about it & you'd probably both be pleased it was out in the open & hopefully soon forgotten.

(Although, unfortunately, there are some people out there who aren't so understanding or indeed forgiving.....but they just ain't worth it)!

Good luck....

[Mammar]

I think leaving it for a day or two is only going to give the situaton a chance to deepen.
Why not do it straight away while events are fresher in your mind?
You can't "read" the emotion in an e-mail - the only way to sort this out is through a conversation.
Get it over and done with and then go for a "let's put it behind us" bevy.

[nutgoneflake]

I'm only going to say the same as lots of the others have said - but I want to stress it more. DON'T email. It may be modern and quick and all the rest, but it's also lazy, easy to hide behind and even easier to misinterpret!! This has to be on the phone, a proper conversation, whichever way you choose to handle it.

That's it! Good luck! xx

[Octavius]

Well I have phoned and left a message, guess I will have to leave it at that for today.

Cheers all.

[Reverandfunk]

Your mate sounds like a bit of a ******. Sending emails? I'm surprised it wasn't a formal letter lol.

As them what it was and why they didn't tell you at the time and if you get a bit offish after a few drinks then cut down.

[dot.hawkes]

is it possible that the person you suggested let their hair down is suffering from some illness that may have made your comment sound a bit crass, and that the person whop has pulled you up on it assumed you knew? just a suggestion, may be something similar has gone on and it has all gone over your head because you wre not party to the knowledge they thought you had, if u get me lol

[Pippa68]

Any news Oct?

If it were me I would have to know..but then I imagine that may be a female trait! I would have it out with them BUT if they didn't respond to my replies or still wouldn't tell me what the offensive thing I said was, I would drop it..after all, it couldn't be that important if they are letting it drop.

Sounds a bit petty to me anyway...is this a close-ish mate? a phone call from them would have been better.

[Octavius]

I have received further emails today which explain some of the things (not my assumption above) that I am meant to have said or done. I can honestly say that this is a case of mistaken identity, or being the scapegoat for someone else. But this person (it is just one person Dot, I have known him for 12 years) is usually the life and soul of a party and seems to have it in for me through a tirade of emails which end with �I don�t wish to discuss the matter further�.

After trying to say, well I do, lets talk about it as I will apologise if I am in the wrong, I was told to get stuffed and try growing up and don�t email any more � as if I started it?!

Now, this is Octavius we are talking about here!! Needless to say I will be having that conversation on the phone and try to resolve it once and for all. If it requires me eating humble pie � although I am still a little confused why I have been singled out, then so be it.

[Englishbird]

Have you asked others that were there what their take on it is? Make it clear that they can be completely honest as you would rather know the truth.

I'm someone who would rather sort it out than leave it, but do whatever makes you feel more comfortable.