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A Social Dilemma
15 Answers
Twice a year I meet a group of old school friends for lunch. We all live miles apart, so meet somewhere in the middle, and therefore none of them have ever been to my home, or know anything about my lifestyle. Now the dilemma. One makes no secret of the fact that she is extremely wealthy and clearly enjoys playing Lady Bountiful - and she insists on paying the bill every time. Whilst the rest of the group are happy to let her do it, and are actually sycophantic towards her, I find it embarrassingly patronising. I have tried to pay the bill, and argue about it every time, but I am always overridden - not only by her, but by everyone else too. The last time we met, I was so embarrassed that I decided it would have to be the last for me, but we are very old friends and I would be sad to say goodbye to them all. I'm sure if I was brutally honest and said I don't like to be patronised, she - and they - would take offence. What would you do?
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Tricky one.
If this has happened a few times, you could always even things up by walking to the bar/till and quietly paying for the whole thing yourself. It would only be the cost of your last few meals combined (albeit in one big hit) so you technically would only be paying for what you've had.
Inevitably, one of your friends will bring this up again at a later date or when you're not all sat round the table. At which point it'll be easier to explain that you were only doing it because it's not fair to make your friend pay for the whole thing every time, even if she can afford it. It's embarrassing.
By suggesting that the fault lies not with Lady Bountiful for being patronising, but with your friends for not being fair, this might shame them into insisting on paying their share the next time.
But I don't envy you. That's an awkward one.
If this has happened a few times, you could always even things up by walking to the bar/till and quietly paying for the whole thing yourself. It would only be the cost of your last few meals combined (albeit in one big hit) so you technically would only be paying for what you've had.
Inevitably, one of your friends will bring this up again at a later date or when you're not all sat round the table. At which point it'll be easier to explain that you were only doing it because it's not fair to make your friend pay for the whole thing every time, even if she can afford it. It's embarrassing.
By suggesting that the fault lies not with Lady Bountiful for being patronising, but with your friends for not being fair, this might shame them into insisting on paying their share the next time.
But I don't envy you. That's an awkward one.
You could always contact the restaurant or place where you meet in advance and arrange to pay the bill.
I too would find it patronising if someone kept footing the bill. You could ask the manager to either keep it quiet about who has paid or make it known that you have paid, saying that you think you should all pay your fair share.
I too would find it patronising if someone kept footing the bill. You could ask the manager to either keep it quiet about who has paid or make it known that you have paid, saying that you think you should all pay your fair share.
Just say, look I'm not comfortable with you paying every time - it's not fair of us to let you do it, so I insist on putting something towards the bill.
When she argues about it say - I really insist - in fact I'll be offended if you don't let me. (Always be coming from the angle that it's not fair on her, rather than you find it patronising).
I wouldn't pay sneakily up front or anything because that deprives her of the chance to do the lady bountiful act when she offers to pay, which would upset her.
When she argues about it say - I really insist - in fact I'll be offended if you don't let me. (Always be coming from the angle that it's not fair on her, rather than you find it patronising).
I wouldn't pay sneakily up front or anything because that deprives her of the chance to do the lady bountiful act when she offers to pay, which would upset her.
I agree with ludwig, there is nothing really to be gained from paying behind her back or even shaming the rest of them into contributing, since you have said they are and have always been, happy to go along with it. It will more than likely make you look like the odd one out. I think the crux of it is, whether you really still find enjoyment in meeting with these people, bearing in mind your comments about the sycophants and the WAG!
I know it sounds harsh as they are old friends, but friends shouldn�t continually put you in an uncomfortable dilemma. Either set the ground rules for the future meet ups, or maybe its time to move on.
I know it sounds harsh as they are old friends, but friends shouldn�t continually put you in an uncomfortable dilemma. Either set the ground rules for the future meet ups, or maybe its time to move on.
I doubt that you meet up with your friends for the lunch or the fact that one of them pays for it. She is obviously proud of her wealth and is trying to be generous with it. Far better (imho) than someone who can afford it being mean.
Are you being patronised? Only you can answer that as it is all about the way something is said etc. Are you sure she is not just being generous to her friends?
I am unsure as to why you would be embarrassed about her paying for a lunch once a year. I don't know what type of restaurant you go to, but I doubt that in 5 years she has spent more than �75 per friend - hardly extravagant.
If she lived in the middle and you all went round to her house and she made lunch and provided wine etc, I doubt she would want paying for t (in fact if that happened to me I would feel embarrassed if someone offered) - is this so dissimilar?
Are you being patronised? Only you can answer that as it is all about the way something is said etc. Are you sure she is not just being generous to her friends?
I am unsure as to why you would be embarrassed about her paying for a lunch once a year. I don't know what type of restaurant you go to, but I doubt that in 5 years she has spent more than �75 per friend - hardly extravagant.
If she lived in the middle and you all went round to her house and she made lunch and provided wine etc, I doubt she would want paying for t (in fact if that happened to me I would feel embarrassed if someone offered) - is this so dissimilar?
Thanks for your answers. I'll think about them all.
Quinlad Tricky is a good description. It is so very difficult.
Vic, you say you're not sure why I am embarrassed at her paying for lunch. Would you be happy if a friend continually footed the bill? I'm sure she is generous, but I am far from poor, and I do find it patronising - and frankly a little humiliating. Incidentally, we meet at very good restaurants, so the bills amount to a great deal more than your estimate.
Being invited to someone's home for lunch is a completely different thing, and of course I wouldn't expect to pay, but this is not an invitation - it's a group of people who agree to meet twice a year for lunch.
Coco, I have done that - but I'd rather just pay the bill. (By the way, where have you been? It's good to see you back. Are you ok?).
Octavius, yes, I'm thinking that way. The last time we met, I had the usual argument, and in the end I suggested that if she insisted on paying this time, then I would pay the next time, and perhaps after that we should take it in turns to pay for lunch. The response from one of them was ""You must be joking!", so as you can see it's really difficult, and I can't help thinking that, sad as it is, it could well be Christmas cards, and perhaps the odd email only in future.
Quinlad Tricky is a good description. It is so very difficult.
Vic, you say you're not sure why I am embarrassed at her paying for lunch. Would you be happy if a friend continually footed the bill? I'm sure she is generous, but I am far from poor, and I do find it patronising - and frankly a little humiliating. Incidentally, we meet at very good restaurants, so the bills amount to a great deal more than your estimate.
Being invited to someone's home for lunch is a completely different thing, and of course I wouldn't expect to pay, but this is not an invitation - it's a group of people who agree to meet twice a year for lunch.
Coco, I have done that - but I'd rather just pay the bill. (By the way, where have you been? It's good to see you back. Are you ok?).
Octavius, yes, I'm thinking that way. The last time we met, I had the usual argument, and in the end I suggested that if she insisted on paying this time, then I would pay the next time, and perhaps after that we should take it in turns to pay for lunch. The response from one of them was ""You must be joking!", so as you can see it's really difficult, and I can't help thinking that, sad as it is, it could well be Christmas cards, and perhaps the odd email only in future.
I would run screaming into the night . . . at least!
If there's anything worse than someone who seeks to derive self-esteem from the adulation of others it's someone who attempts to buy it. Good God, this should have been posted in R&S. How utterly dreadful. Naomi, I am shocked to learn you would allow yourself to consider trying to salvage this kind of relationship let alone subject yourself to that kind of behavior. Do you miss going to church that badly?
Spill the wine. Burn the bridge. Don�t look back.
But then I am not renown for my social skills, nor for foregoing an opportunity to over-react ~ ~ ~ ~ <o/"\o>
If there's anything worse than someone who seeks to derive self-esteem from the adulation of others it's someone who attempts to buy it. Good God, this should have been posted in R&S. How utterly dreadful. Naomi, I am shocked to learn you would allow yourself to consider trying to salvage this kind of relationship let alone subject yourself to that kind of behavior. Do you miss going to church that badly?
Spill the wine. Burn the bridge. Don�t look back.
But then I am not renown for my social skills, nor for foregoing an opportunity to over-react ~ ~ ~ ~ <o/"\o>
I would stop making such a big deal out of it. If this is how this person gets self worth then so be it. If it bothers you that much then why not have lunch at yours? Then you can either cater it yourself or get someone in to do it and there is no Miss Bountiful role.
Or just knock it on the head. You meet up with them twice a year and they know hardly anything about you... Are you just holding on to friendships for the sake of old times? If so, then maybe just cut your losses.
I'm sorry if I sound really harsh, not meant to, I guess I just don't see the dilema, just options of getting out of an uncomfortable situation.
Or just knock it on the head. You meet up with them twice a year and they know hardly anything about you... Are you just holding on to friendships for the sake of old times? If so, then maybe just cut your losses.
I'm sorry if I sound really harsh, not meant to, I guess I just don't see the dilema, just options of getting out of an uncomfortable situation.
Mib I couldn't agree more - it is utterly dreadful - and you're clearly as horrified by it as I am. I've decided that I will not put myself into such a situation again - I really don't miss going to church that badly. I do find it disappointing, but I prefer to choose my friends. I cannot allow Lady Bountiful to patronise and embarrass me again, and I most certainly will not join the scroungers. You've hit the nail squarely on the head. Thanks Mib.
China Yes, I have been meeting them for old times sake, and I was very happy to do so in the beginning since we were good friends at school and have very happy memories to share, but clearly people change. They tell me they had been searching for me for years until eventually catching up with me three years ago - which is why they know little about my life or my lifestyle. I now feel I should have covered my tracks more carefully! Incidentally, I can't invite them to my home just for lunch - I live too far away.
Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
China Yes, I have been meeting them for old times sake, and I was very happy to do so in the beginning since we were good friends at school and have very happy memories to share, but clearly people change. They tell me they had been searching for me for years until eventually catching up with me three years ago - which is why they know little about my life or my lifestyle. I now feel I should have covered my tracks more carefully! Incidentally, I can't invite them to my home just for lunch - I live too far away.
Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
My teenage children (15 and 17) have the same problem with my ex husband. Even though the eldest has a good part time job and my daughter has her pocket money he will never let them pay for anything they want to get when he goes out with them. Now I no that a few of you probably think that it's their Dad so it's not a problem, but I'm not talking gifts here, I'm talking things for their friends at birthdays and xmas etc , and they want to be independent and he won't take no for an answer. It becmes so difficult that they are afraid to go into a shop with him if they need something. It's not as if he's not seen them over the years, he has seen them loads and except for this area has a reasonable relationship with them.
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