losing your parents

[kitten_uk2]

I know it will happen one day, but it does scare me. if one of my parents is to die, i supose they have the usual stuff wrong with them that naturally comes with old age, dad has high blood pressure, mum has eye trouble and now recently hand trouble.what scares me the most is how they will cope without the other, 30 years of marriage is rare these days and they still do just about everything together. is it nasty to say if they were to die i would rather them go together than watch the pain and heartache of the other?

[mrs_overall]

It is natural to worry from time to time about the loss of your parents. Please don't dwell on it too much or let it become an obsession. I can only tell you about my personal experience of losing parents. My mum was one of those who let my dad do everything, such as paying bills, sorting out insurance etc. She barely knew how to put petrol in the car. When my dad died we all worried about how she would cope and thought she would go to pieces but the opposite was true. She managed very well and quite enjoyed the challenge of learning new things. Socially, they always went out together and mum surprised us all by forging a social life of her own. It was nothing wild, but she enjoyed going to to the local Womens Institute and church socials. She had days when she was down but we made sure one of us (I'm one of 10 kids) was around. She had a good life until she died.
You say your parents have been married for 30 years so unless they married late, they won't be very old so I guess they will be around for a good few years yet.

[puzzled54]

You will probably find that the remaining parent is stronger than you give them credit for.

[kitten_uk2]

there both 60, i think its worried me more since my mums neighbour died, he was 57, and was my best mates dad. 1st funeral id ever been too. his wife was a mess, i just couldnt bare to see my mum like that, she is an only child. so they do alot together.

[cymruambyth1]

My grandma and grandad had been together for well over 30 years, they lived on a farm with their son. My grandma barely did any work on the farm, had anything to do with the bills, she was your typical farmers wife, cook the food etc. When my grandad died, it was a major shock and very unexpected, my grandad would be the one who would get up at 5am every morning to milk the cows, and over night my uncle had to learn how to milk the cows etc. But when something like that happens, you know things arent going to change and you have to get through things, and most people are surprised at how people cope with bereavement.

As Mrs O said, I wouldnt worry about it too much, cos as she said it will become an obsession.

[mrs_overall]

Trust me, 60 is NOT old!
Just because you saw someone very upset at a funeral does not mean they will remain in the same emotional state for the rest of their lives! My poor mum sobbed her heart out at dads funeral, but you'll realise as you get older (sorry if that sounds patronising) that a funeral is upsetting but it's also a form of closure.
Please don't dwell on this subject.

[LoftyLottie]

Just to put your question in perspective. I am the same age as your parents and my parent is approaching 90. At 60 I still feel very young, although I have quite a few 'age' related problems.

Stop worrying about it. Ill health and dying can happen at any age and life is for living.

Funnily enough the older you get the less you worry about dying and most of us fortunately still continue to have good, if different, lives after the death of a loved one.

[Banana Boat]

Im exactly the same as you! My dad has very high blood pressure and has been told he could have a heart attak any day now, and im so scared that he will. I worry how mum would cope, theyv been married almost 30 years too. (dads 51 and mums 47) i know they are both still young but it treally scares me too. Now Mum and Dad have sold their business im hoping he can relax more and his blood pressure will go down. I try not too think about it too much cos i dont wanna get myself in a state!

[burnouts]

earlier this year i lost my grandmother to cancer. my grandparents had been married 52years and had never spent a night apart. suddenly my grandad had to deal with not only the death of his wife, best friend and general companion but also had to deal with being alone at night for the first time in 52years. we spent alot of time with him so he had his family around him but also made sure he had time to himself to allow him to grieve so he was not constantly putting on brave face. although he his still not himself he is getting stronger by the week and for the first time since the 26th march (R.I.P Nan) i saw him smile this week....a smile that reached his eyes, which just goes to show however hard life is and however much it gets you down theres no point running and hiding from the problem(as that only wears your shoes out) you got to fight on because tomorrow is a new day. the thing my grandad said at my funeral is going to stick with me forever......god broke our hearts to prove to us he only takes the best...and that i what has made him strong again x

[MyLifeIsOver]

It's not nasty it's just that you don't want to see 1 go and the other suffer until they die without him/her! infact if there still a bit young like 40's or 30's then theres nothing to worry for quite a bit now!

[beejaybee]

My mum died in September & this will be only the 3rd Xmas without her with us in over 50 years. Both other occassions she went away on holiday.

[Zakronmum]

I very sadly had both of my parents pass away in 2007. My Dad passed on February 7th and my mum passed 9th October. Having parents with medically diagnosed illnesses (in both my parents case - cancer) doesnt make it easier to cope with it when it happens. I guess that the only bnefit that it does have is that you can tell them how you feel while they are here. I also had the concern that how would one cope without the other as they had celebrated their 40th anniversary in the september before. And you sure are right when you say not many people last that long these days....we can always hope. When it does happen, there are no ways to describe how you feel. I still regularly get very upset, and I always ask why my parents? And there was a stage when I didnt like my friends talking about their parents (although i never said anything) as I didnt think that it was at all fair. The most precious advice that i can give you right now is to appreciate what you have while it is still here, because when it is gone, you have to live on your memories. Tell them you love them and tell them all your hopes and dreams for the future. I am only 32, far too young to have both parents gone. After the time comes you look at the world very differently. Dont forget too, that when it does happen, there are alot of "business" affairs to deal with. Funeral organisation, ongoing payments of bills, their next tax returns, who gets what? Who goes through what personal items? What is stated in the will? Who pays for the funeral? Does anyone know these details. (i will continue this is anoher post! ooops! too long)

[Zakronmum]

(continued from the last posting I did.....)
We were lucky in the way that both mum and dad pretty much planned their own funerals. We knew what they wanted. You will maybe find that family members can get a bit touchy over situations that there wouldnt usually be a problem. Everyone copes with their emotions differently and this is usually a "side effect" of their coping mechanisms. My parents were only 66 and 62...they had a beautiful life together, and mum struggled on her own, but she also learnt new things and tried new things until her health deteiorated. You left behind parent will be ok. it will be hard, but they will remember the good times and that will put a smile on their face.
Sorry i have said more than i was going too, but theres so much still going through my mind from events of 2007. Dont dwell on the "what-ifs" because then you wont enjoy your time with them. Just love them and let them know they are loved. Dont wait till they are sick to do that.
Take care...have a nice day.