a white lie

[MiniN]

a couple of hours ago i found out my boyfriend (of 5 and a half yrs), has been smoking in the last couple of months to deal with stress. even when i told him i knew he still denied it, he only finally came clean when i proved how i knew.

he hid it from me because he knew i'd be unhappy and go mad at him but also because i'm totally against smoking as both my grandparents died in their 60s from smoking related illnesses.

i'm not only gutted that he's been smoking, hiding it from me and lying, but also because its not a good sign that he's not being totally honest.

is our relationship doomed? do you think white lies now and again are acceptable in a relationship?

it may seem inconsequential to some but its really hurt me to find out he's lied.

any advice would be appreciated....

[Ice.Maiden]

MiniN - I don't like smoking either, but it's how you deal with it that determines whether your bf tells you or not. If you rant and rave, and make him feel awful, that's when he's most liable to lie about it. If you've no reason to suspect him of lying over other things, then I think your best bet'd be to try and help him. Smoking's a nasty addiction, but nagging him into packing up won't help, because he has to want to do it for himself. Have a proper talk with him, and suggest ways in which he might be helped, such as joining the New Leaf programme. With support & encouragement, he's less liable to lie about his habit. x

[MiniN]

i must admit, i do normally rant and rave but i talked to him calmly because i was upset and also because i was in public. i think it made him feel better and he did open up to a few minor things that he'd left out.

he wants to quit and he said he was trying to stop himself and was hoping he wouldn't need to tell me about it. he says he only smokes about 10 a week ( i think it could be a littlle bit higher) but he's definately addicted coz he says when he's been getting stressed he needs to smoke to calm him.

i don't think he's been lying about anything else, we're not just boyfriend-girlfriend, we are best friends.

i can't stand not being told the truth. how can i stop him telling white lies in the future, because it really hurts me when i suspect he's lying or when i find out he is.

also how can i 100% trust him totally to tall me the truth on bigger issues?

[mrs_overall]

I'm not condoning him telliing a lie but if he was smoking due to stress he was probably thinking that if he told you about it you would be on his case which would only add to his stress.
We all tell white lies. I think you're making a big issue out of something trivial.

[B00]

I think the bigger issue here is why he's so stressed in the first place?

As for not telling you, quite frankly, I can understand why he didn't- especially if your normal reaction is to rant and rave. Whilst i understand your anxiety about smoking, I do tend to think your reaction is slightly dramatic (sorry!). He only didn't tell you as he knew you'd go ballistic and to even doubt your future with him because of this.....seriously???

Hope my reply hasn't offended you, it's not intended to- just my opinion.

[MiniN]

boo, i dont seriously think we're doomed but i wanted to know if other people condone white lies. it was just a figure of speech.

i just needed to talk to some people to get it out of my system. thats why i posted my question. i respect all the answers i get to my posts.

also, he's stressed because of people he was working with in his last job, which he's not in anymore and also because we are in the process of buying a house. he's actually a chilled out person.

i also think he didnt tell me not because i rant (i'm seriously not that bad) but he knew it would stress me.

[sense4all]

I value honesty too, and regularly have discussions with my teenage son about any kind of fibbing, and the knock on effects even a tiny white lie can cause.

However as an impassioned bystander can I just point out that if he is out working full time that is a huge chunk of his life where he was already feeling under stress. I can understand why the 'easy out' was to not willingly cause any further distress, to himself or you, by outing himself for smoking so that he was feeling under stress in the two major parts of his life.

Instead of losing the rag with him over smoking/ lying you really need to put your energy into finding out why he feels so underpressure in his job,address that issue first - then move forward together.

[sense4all]

Now I have read the other answers ( must learn to type faster lol) I think that a cigarette allowed him a legit, non confrontational way of removing himself fom a pressurised situation at work ... and that it was more a 'meditation/ free thinking space ' type thing than an assault on your core values. You will be fine.

[MiniN]

thanks sense4all, your response is appreciated.

[dont.know]

he didnt want to worry you, so he chose to smoke , i understand that ur hurt cos he lied, but honestly u been with him 2 long just to finish with him over it. he never toldu cos he knew u would of maybe finished him!

[MiniN]

thanks for your answer, dont know.

i won't finish with him, he's my best friend.

after thinking it over last night, i think if he told me what he'd been doing he'd have to admit it to himself. he said as much last night. whilst its hidden, he doesn't have to think about it.

thanks all for your responses

[jen85]

u need to support him and stand by him if he is stressed and once this is resolved he should quit smoking altogether seen as his reason behind starting in the first place was stress. when my bf and i got together he smoked quite often when out socially and also because he was going through some very stressful times in his family. i explained my reasons for despising smoking (also because of some of my family members pasts) and without ranting and raving asked him to be truthful about whether he sees himself continuing with the dirty habit. i told him that if our relationship was ever going to be long term and if he wanted it to work then he would need to reconsider whether he was going to continue, not because im selfish but purely because i have lost family members due to heart attacks and lung problems and do not want to have to go through the same upsets in the future and constantly worry about his health. bless his heart, he quit and has now been smoke free for over a year.