How do I resolve this?

[buggerlugges]

My partner has a problem with anger management. He's a loving father and partner 90% of time but when he gets frustrated or he is irritable he just loses it. This particularly occurs in the morning. This morning our young son was particularly trying and was demanding a cup of milk from 3am, a habit we have spent a year trying to break. I tried ignoring him and using time out then compromised with a glass of water. The whining evolved into a full blown tantrum and my partner lost it and threw the glass of water over our child, soaking him and his bed. An argument escalated between my partner and I that culminated in my partner hitting a wall with his fist before slamming the front door. Within an hour he was remorseful and apologetic and accepted that his behaviour was inappropriate and worrying. This is the worse incident so far. He had an abusive childhood with extreme physical discipine from both is father and mother plus sexual abuse at some point. Where do we go from here?? I don't want to end the relationship as otherwise he is a gorgeous, loving man and doting dad - he just sees 'red' when he's extremely irritated or frustrated or tired. However, the situation is obviously very serious now.

[andy hughes]

You need to get some professional help, from Relate or similar councelling service. Their waiting list may be long, so why not suggest your partner contacts The Samaritans? They are not a conselling service per se, but they will offer a sympathetic and non-judgemental opportunity for him to talk over his childhood, and maybe help him to address some of the issues that have obviously spilled over into his adult life. It's important that you get something moving soon, because anger like this usually increases, rather than decreases. Should the unthinkable happen and he hits you - WALK! Good luck - please let us know how you get on.

[rekstout]

I understand what this is like for you as Mrs rekstout has anger management issues. I would recommend the professional counselling route as a primary course of action - your partner's GP can make a referral or you can go private (yellow pages). Self-help guides can also help but you both need to identify triggers for anger and watch for them and organise a procedure for ensuring that the anger does not boil over. I know how hard it is to stay calm but if you remain calm and simply say - "perhaps you should put the kettle on" as a reminder to step away from the situation this can help. Removing him from the triggerng situation or environment can be all that is required. He seems to recognise that this is something that needs addressing and that is a good sign. I wish you all the best.

[Doolallygirl]

Counselling is a good idea. It doesn't sound like the normal way to react to a kid who has woken you up at 3am and then had a tantrum. Punching a wall? Grow up. Lucky it wasn't you ******lugges. Definitely try to do something about it and remember if he ever hits you to just get out. Many women stay around because they "love" the man too much. They don't understand that if their partner loved them too they wouldn't want to hurt them. Good luck.

[purescratche]

Hi Solution focussed Brief therapy has been shown to be a very effective way of dealing with these kinds of issues, particularly when working with men, you can get further information by reading anything by Judith Milner (a british author) on this subject, I can get some more references for you however I need to pick them up from work. If your partner is committed to changing his behaviour he can do something about this and maintain that change, let me know if you would like more information. Your doctor will probably also refer him for some cognitive behavioural therapy which may also be useful for him.

[Casey]

If my partner acted that way towards my child he would be right out of the door!! He is obviously an agressive person and if he has issues which you say he has, and he understands his temper is unnacceptable then he would take time out and go and seek help. Think of your child, his father is being abusive just like your partners father was to him. Just because its not sexual abuse does not mean he will not be affected by it as he gets older. There is no point in him keep saying 'sorry', that is lame. If he really cared he would go and get councelling right away.

[smudge]

Sounds like a time bomb waiting to go off to me! I would hate to be treading on eggshells around someone like him!

[Greedyfly]

Hypnotism - for him. I have had a simular violence/bad temper problem all my life and recently I went for Hypnotherapy which involved no questioning just there to calm me and it worked wonders. I have a tape to listen to be4 I sleep and I am a new person for it.

[Philtaz]

As others have pointed out he needs therapy, and quickly. By showing remorse he at least understands he has a problem which will hopefully mean he is receptive towards going for counselling. As Doolallygirl has also pointed out you must remain wary at the moment regardless of your feelings towards him. If he assaults you or your child then either you or he must separate regardless of the upheaval this will cause. Men in these situations are often remorseful, saying 'I love you' but if he does then he wouldn't hurt you, would he? Above all else you must ensure the safety of yourself and your son. Keep safe, fingers crossed for you.

[sft42]

Not one person has so far tried to look at this from your partners POV. Many people spiral into a circle of being abusers after a childhood like his and he is probably doing really well reigning in the urges to be violent that he has.....HE is obviously aware that his actions are inappropriate and he regrets them....Is hitting inanimate objects objectionable behaviour if this helps him to control his rage? Children can be extremely annoying (little darlings that they are) and he must be able to control his temper around your child in order not to portray this as acceptable behaviour to your offspring....perhaps a large punchbag in a spare area of the house to allow him to blow off steam when he needs it might be a solution?

[country_boy]

I agree with sft42, my next door neighbour was abused as a child by her mother for years and when she had a child, started to follow the same pattern as her mother, even though she knew it was wrong. She got herself into group and one to one therapy and has sorted herself out. She initiated it through her GP. Good luck.

[woofgang]

what you and your partner choose to do is one thing but you both have a child to consider. Sorry, but loving and doting dads do not throw a glass of water over said child. Is this the first time that the child has been yelled at or otherwise abused? (yes meant abused) Counselling and help for this poor man, yes, but think VERY seriously about taking your child out of harms way while the situation is sorted.

[Krankie]

my kids like drinks through the night so i leave a non spill cup in their room, they dont have to disturb me then, as for your partner, its one thing to take anger out on you as you can more or less defend yourself, a child cant, things will get worse, its all very well your partner being sorry but if he ment it he'd do something aboout it, if he doesn't, leave.

[smudge]

As I previously said 'Sounds like a time bomb waiting to go off'! Did anyone see the secret filmimg within child nurseries? Whilst most staff are patient & caring, there are ones who are impatient & uncaring towards children. What's the difference between these people in nurseries or at home?

[sylviak]

all i would like to ask is has he ever hit you or the child? if so all his gorgeousness, lovingness and good father attributes can be forgotten.is there a chance of schizophrenia. this should be sorted between you him and professionals before you and your child get seriously hurt. you may think he wont do this but these conditions can escalate.

[vittoria]

I was once in an abusive relationship and my experience is that abusers are loving and gorgeous etc. most of the time... except for when they turn nasty - followed by remorse mixed with blame "look what you made me do" and a lot of reassurance about how much they love you etc. I kicked him out in the end but I hope your partner can get the therapy other users have written about.

[bb0i]

TIME TO SEE DR.PHIL