get annoyed by housemate

[mirela]

a girl i knew over a year, she got a job jan, so me and my bf let one room to her. her bf is living nearby, scice he moved in, her bf stopped over more than 3 or 4 times each week and they spent lots time in the house. they started using our stuff very often without asking, like they never buy milk, but using ours for tea coffee, cornflakes, using salt and other cooking ingrediants, they even used my pink massage pillow which i got from my bf during xmas in front of me, even i tried to give them hints and told them thats my xmas present from my bf and i really care about it, they still using it to massage their neck, after that, i moved my pillow to my room.
they also quite messy, always leave dirty plates in the kichen, i have to put inthe dish washer, sometimes that girl said because the dish washer is full, so she didnt clean her dirty plates, but she enver empty the dishwasher!!!
this morning, i found the 2 ltr bottle milk only half left, which i only used tiny bit for 2 cups of tea,so i mentioned it to her, she didnt say andthing even sorry!!
what shall i do to let her know without affect our friendship?

[4getmenot]

if she's that much of a friend you dont want to affect your friendship then talk to her about it, you should be able to talk to a friend

[sense4all]

I think whatever you do unfortunately it will affect your relationship. You think she is renting a room, sounds like she thinks she is an equal partner in the house and all it's contents. I would sacrifice the friendship if having a word was having no effect at all. Just interested if she has moved directly out of the family home - in which case she has probably been used to having things such as the shopping appear and the cleaning of clothes and dishes were the overnight work of the magic cleaning pixies. If you have the stomach for leaving the place in squalor so she gets the message do it - this is not an approach for the feint hearted though.

[philandlil]

1. start using her stuff, eat her food, wear her jewellery or perfume, use her shampoo and conditioner. The money you save on these can be used to buy milk etc.

2. Tell her its her turn to buy milk, bread ect.. and wait till she does if she doesn't buy it on her behalf and ask for the money.

3. Sit her down and ask her to pay half towards the things you all use.

4. You could substitute the things she keeps using for things she might not like for instance cows milk, buy goats milk or rice milk, tea buy herbal stuff, coffee buy cheapest stuff you can find, buy cheap cornflakes and leave them open for a while till they go soft the put them in the kitchen cupboards.

[MrBounty]

Hi Mirela,

This can be a tricky one, but one that there really is only one answer to:

You and your boyfriend need to sit down with your friend (and possibly her bf) and discuss these matters.
In every household there needs to be rules - and those rules need to be followed, or it makes for an unhappy homelife.

This is your home and you are graciously letting a room to your friend - not her boyfriend.
If he is staying over more and more, then he should be told that he either pays his way, or he doesnt stay over anymore.
They both need to be told that if they use something up, be it food, toilet paper, etc, then they need to replace it.
They are not there for a free ride - this is your home, remember.

There is no need for any arguments between everyone and if this girl is a good friend, then she should realise that she is doing wrong more than right.

Just have a meeting between you all and set ground rules.
If these rules are not adheared to, then maybe it should be time for them to move on.
Give them both three months - if nothing changes, they need to vacate.
If they buck up their ideas, then great.
Either way, you will win....but you really need to have that discussion first.
It wont be easy, given that she is a friend, but she needs you more than you need her at the moment, so she needs to show a bit more respect to both you and your boyfriend.

[mirela]

hi sense4all, she is from hungaria, and lving in england for over 1 year, pretty independent.

[mirela]

hi philandil, sometimes my bf got annoyed, he said he gonna use her stuff as well, well, he didnt really and i dont wanna him to either, i think that gonna make things worse.
she is not that awful using eveything we have, just some common things, like milk, cooking stuff, toilet tissue etc. i found my washing powder missed twice, but id rather think been used by mistake.

[mirela]

her boyfriend was my bf's mate, not very close one tho. so we didnt really mind at begaining, he is coming over, at least someone we know, but think they took it for granted now, he kept stopped over. he got some big plastic bottles for cheap petrol fot his van, so he left them in our graden for ages, also ask to use our garage to store them. she and her bf went for kitesurfing sometimes, her bf once took my bf's kite away without asking us, so we hide it now in case, coz it is very expensive and delicate.

[funnygirl]

Mirela,

You are gonna have to tell her point blank or you will end up making yourself ill!

Maybe you can get separate cupboards and put locks on them. Put post it notes on your milk!! Leave an old bottle of milk in the fridge and I know it is going to extremes here, keep your milk elsewhere that's cold.

[cuddleMe]

mirela

this reminds me of uni soooooooooo much! did u guys put in some ground rules before she moved in?? i mean was the rent included bills ?? you guys really need to have a word with this lady!! or if i were beany i would kick her out!!!! there is no way i would cope with this such annoying housemate in my own house!! its not worth the stress, and the atmposhere in the house would be really bad if nothing was being dealt with. why cant she stay over at his place? and what a cheek asking to borrow your garage/garden to store his dodgy petrol!! it might b illegal if get caught its the owner of the house will get finned or something worse!!! so b careful!!!

give her a warning then if it happens again give here one months notice and kick her out!! i would!!!

[pingping]

you have to talk to her about her behaviour (as suggested by others). she may not know that her behaviour is annoying you if you don't tell her outright. some people just don't pick up on subtle hints being dropped! you've got to try and make her understand that she must treat your belongings with respect and should ask your permission before she uses anything of yours.

have you thought about setting up a common kitty which all 4 of you contribute to for household basics such as tea, coffee, milk, toilet paper, washing powder etc?

having lived in shared houses for around 7 years in total (at uni, then for a few years after) the only way to do it peacefully is if everyone pulls their weight and contributes equally. one trick i used once was to put all the dirty dishes a housemate had accumulated over a few days into her room on her bed - made the point that no one (including her) wanted to live in a stinking mess!

if she refuses to pay towards a kitty, then consider either putting up her rent a little to help pay for all the stuff she uses, or ask her to leave.

good luck!

[figure]

If you don't tell her what she's doing offends you, how else is she suppose to know???

Tell her she will have to start making weekly contributions to the grocery bill if she will be using your stuff on a continuous basis. Remind her you rented her the RooM not the use of your supplies. You will give yourself a nice ulcer if you don't speak to her soon.

Some people just have no conscience.

[mirela]

hi everyone, thanks for all your opnion, i was just trying to keep peace. now then, one of my bf's mate gonna move to live this city and wanna move into our house, so we speak to her , and see her opnion, then she think it is a bit too crowdy, so she gonna move out!! wohoo!! well, just one month time she is here, so i didnt say too much about her bad habbit, otherwise i definately will.

we didnt sign any tenant agreement before she moved in, because she is my friend. this time i will bear in mind, set the house rules before my bf's mate move in.

cuddle, beany absolutely hates her, only coz she is my mate, he didnt kick her out. i think this ending is pretty good, she moved out before anything affects our friendship.

[Whoever]

Well, I don't think you can avoid affecting your "friendship" because you're obviously being taken advantage of and you've let this continue so long that now your friend thinks she can walk all over you and you don't mind.
It's time to claim back the initiative. Sit down with her quietly and give her a written list of all the things that are annoying you. Agree separate shelves for your foodstuffs in the fridge, and make sure she and her boyfriend stick to the rule.
If you want no more overnight stays from her boyfriend, say so. It's your home.