I'm a terrible boyfriend

[flashpig]

I really don't think I deserve my girlfriend. I **** her off all the time. I can't understand why I am still with her, but I am. I have spent since easter wondering how I manage to stay with her. I have been preparing to be dumped for ages. When we have an argument (which inevitably is about something I do wrong) I am ready. But it hasn't happened. I recognise I am at fault, but I also realise I will not change. The arguments WILL continue, my girlfriend will still feel bad, I will still feel bad about starting them. How does it end, I even INVITED it this weekend. We always end up making up. I think maybe I am too good at apologies.

[flashpig]

God, she'd better not use answerbank. This is so definately me.

[flirty41]

Maybe she's too scared to be on her own. That's why some girls/women stay in relationships, even if they are unhappy.

[flashpig]

I suppose I'd better ask a question next time. This is just a bizarre confession.

[flashpig]

What can I do? Persist being a boyfiend knowing I'll be terrible, or end it and know that it was unfair because I am at fault?

[Tha-Flash]

Whatever your doing wrong, stop it. See if she still argues. Ask her why she stays with you...

[Tha-Flash]

You really sound like a doormat to be honest... and you should stop it.

[Pickle]

She might be staying in the hope that you will change. If you are so sure that you won't and never will, then it seems mean to keep stringing her along.

[Yinzer]

I think she needs to get the nerve to dupm you if she hates you that much, but you also need to get the nerve to not let a woman treat you like that. Even if it is something you did wrong I doubt it's serious every time. Don't let the girl nag you to death. You can find someone who's willing either work with you on certain issues or else just let it fly. BUT if the arguments are initiated by you directly (as opposed to her starting up about you) then maybe you are being an a**hole and in that case go find someone who brings out the good in you instead of the bad.

[Janetex]

Face it, you're just "average".

[flashpig]

I am quite happy to admit I am average. I just don't think I am expected to be. Re: the 'starting' issue - it's a bit of both. I kinda feel nagged but I feel like now I have started to anticipate this. If I do something wrong she'll look at me in this certain way and I'll just start the argument for her.

[Yinzer]

Sounds a bit like an unhealthy relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Unless of course you want this one, then maybe couples therapy may help. But extended periods of being made to feel wrong and inferior can leech the vitality out of a person. Why do you think some married couples are so lame and miserable? It doesn't seem like she has true respect for you though. You're better off...

[secretspirit]

It's not going to get any better: split up & move on. You can't glue an egg back together and it sounds like your relationship's the same.

[sylviak]

why should he go for someone else,if you know the problem is with yourself flashpig then moving on to some other girl wont solve the initial problem. you should praise this girl for sticking with you.maybe she is tryin to pursue the relationship and help you but doesn't know how to.why do you think you wont change.if that is your attitude when you know you are doing wrong then there is no hope in any relationship.tell her you feel this way.communication is the key here flashpig. did you ever think shes not dumping you because she '' loves'' you?

[zgma]

I'm with sylviak here, flashpig. Sounds like you have some insight about what is actually going on... why not look into why - like, why NOT change your behavior, if you're at fault? Wouldn't that make you feel instantly better about the relationship, and at the same time, in better control of yourself? What makes your girlfriend feel bad, and how exactly does she feel bad? Does she feel lack of respect, or bossed around, or lack of interest in her, or is it that you're inadvertently pushing some of her psychological buttons? Why are you inviting the conflict - do you sort of like the attention, or do you really want to be free of the relationship, or something else? If you look at these things (together with your girlfriend, preferably) you can get a better understanding of each other and your reactions to each other. My husband gave me an interesting tool to use a few months ago, and I've found it very helpful. He says, when you're in conflict with someone, make a mental catalogue of all of their traits and all of yours. So, for instance, I would say that I have the trait of needing to be in control, and also hating to be misunderstood. Someone else that I'm hypothetically in conflict with may have the trait of exaggerating my words or hating to be controlled. Obviously we would have conflict, and we may not immediately understand why we are sniping at each other or getting angry. But if we can explain "Aha! What you said bugged me because you exaggerated my words and I felt misunderstood, and that's one of my hot-buttons," then we immediately understand each other better, and the tension is defused, and next time the conflict comes up, I can say "Oh - what you just said feels like an exaggeration" rather than blowing up at the person because they are misunderstanding me.