my ex

[Soph20]

Please let me have your thoughts and opinions on this.

I was with my ex for 4 years on and off. I really loved him but he was manipulative and mentally abusive. I have finally made the break from him and haven't seen him for 10 months. He has been in touch sending stupid messages but I didn't let them develop. Now today he drove past me in town then sent me a text saying he missed me and wanted me to pop over for a chat.

I have always wanted to remain friends with him but am not sure if we can as worried about him being in control and being abusive and letting myself down.

I told him it would be nice to see him but that I was worried of putting myself in a vulnerable position and how i might feel. I told him to let me think on it (popping over/meeting up)

I don't want to get back with him but maybe he does with me.

What would you all do

[Marijn]

You come over as very intelligent and mature, for someone who's only twenty. Good luck with everything.

[foodluva]

Soph20,

Please do not even consider entertaining him. Like you, I was with a manipulative man for several years who played mind games and somehow managed to make me think it was all my fault. I too had the courage to end it. Believe me staying friends will not work. He will manipulate and abuse you again - without a doubt. My life has gone from strength to strength. You are your own person now. Stay strong!!!!

[muppeteer]

i have a friend who sounds just like you!
fancy telling him you are vulnerable & will think about it- what were you thinking!?!he already has you in the position he seems to like. wake up girl- it will end in tears

i would reply- nice to hear from you, but dont fancy meeting up- will have a quick chat next time i bump into you.

if he persists tell him- i have already answered you- i will lose patience if you ask again.

next step- BACK OFF

this is the only way you will stay in control- be brave

(final thought- i assume from your name you are 20- if you have been with him for 4 yrs since you were 15/16 then you have no idea what else is out there- perhaps time to get out of this 4 yr safe zone you are in & go for new job & man!)

[mormess]

hi again soph

I agree with everyone. I've had a few serious boyfriends over the years (and a few not serious ones as in "you cannot be serious!!" and have found the love of my life now.

Each time you break up with someone you beg for them back, they rule your emotions for a while, then when you look back you think "blimey, what a tit, what the hell was I thinking?"

You are so young and relationships you have now will seem like they can never be repeated.

Your ex is a, sorry, can't think of a polite term. He knows he can get you back, he has done before, so he's obviously at a loose end, sees his ex and thinks "aha, she'll do."

You cannot be friends with him. Find some real friends. People who value you for who you are. Men in general find it hard to be friends with girls they've had relationships with. If he needs friends he will find some he can drink beer with and leer at women with. He will not ask his ex girlfriend! And another thing. If men are friends with girls, they will be wondering how they can have sex with them about every five minutes. I know this because men have told me!

Be strong and true to yourself and one day you will meet a lovely man who will make you very happy and not play mind games with you.

[Soph20]

Hi thanks again everyone,

Just wanted to let you know I text him last night and said 'Hi, I have finished thinking and I dont think we should meet up. If I bump into you it will be nice to have a chat but I think meeting up could cause confusion and upset. x'

He said 'confusion and upset? I can't see that myself, its a shame cos I really miss having some of your company and Im sure we could do with a trip out somewhere. Please rethink x off to bed now got interview tomorrow. Tect you tomorrow. If thats ok x night chick xxx'

So I went to sleep and am gonna tell him no again later.
If that doesn't work and he still pesters me I will just have to ignore him. I probably shouldn't have even entered into conversation with him but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

[Soph20]

And I didn't say I was vulnerable now I said it might put me in a vulnerable position. Ok thats just as bad isnt it. I didn't realise it sounded like that.

[Soph20]

ItI want to believe that we could meet up and he says what he means but deep down I know I can't. :(

[Marijn]

Well done Soph. You DO know all your own answers. It's just a case of having more confidence in yourself.

[Soph20]

Yes I do really but I just need more confidence like you say. It helps hearing other people tell me too.

I feel sad for me for everyhting thats happened and I know I have given him enough chances definitely. Having said that, I still can't help feeling sad for him. I want him to move on and be happy but I think he is the type of man that will never treat his girlfriends right and I feel really bad for him that he can't. But I guess I can't really do that for him, I just hopes he does it for himself.

[4getmenot]

Well done you, I cant believe he said you need a trip out somewhere!! Just like my ex said day out to alton towers like we used to.... Blah Blah Blah. You are well on your way to getting your confidence back and from what I can see its him thats held you back. Just explain you dont see why you need to take time out to meet up and let him know you've moved on but would gladly speak to him if you cross paths. xx

[Marijn]

Yes, you're right, it does help talking it through with other people. (or writing about it with other people). But as you were writing it down in your last couple of posts you were working out your own answers.
And you're right about him being the only one that can change himself. Don't worry about him anymore, you've given him four years of your life already.

[Soph20]

Thanks huns! xxx

[4getmenot]

You're still young, enjoy :-)

[Marijn]

You're welcome

[gravitate]

get him done for stalking

[Bohne]

DO NOT MEET HIM!!!

Sounds like my ex!
I was with him for six years.
After we split I left the country and also thought we could stay friends (stupid, I can see that now).
He kept sending me letters, telling me how I was the only one and he only just realized it, he sent me presents, he called me, accusing me that it was all (EVERYTHING) my fault.
That went on for maybe two years, then he gave up.

That was, when I started living again!

Trust me: A clean cut will be best for you!
Don't let yourself be drawn back into anything!

You know he does not want to be your friend!
And you know what kind of a boyfriend he was!

[andrea81]

If he is manipulative, maybe meeting up will be the start of something! If you do, ask yourself if you were happy enough without him in you life? also can you move on completely if he is there?

I wouldn't to be honest but good luck deciding x

[Soph20]

Do you miss him? Do you wish it could have been different?

[4getmenot]

Dont get me wrong there are times I miss my ex and think yer a day out with him would be lovely but when I start thinking like that I remember the bad times to get him out my head and realise I am better off without the hassle.