Competition - is it all in my head?

[PuffyFish]

I had a baby 7 weeks ago and since have been having real self esteem problems and am wondering if I'm depressed and paranoid or if I have reason to be concerned.

I hate my OH looking at other women. For example there is this girl working for us (doing my job while I'm on maternity leave) who is very pretty and just his type. He constantly talks about how good she is & I'm sure he looks her up an down and I've seen him looking at her arse.

I mentioned it to him and he said "she has a big arse", to which I replied "just what you like" (and I don't have) and he said "but I wouldn't do anything because I wouldn't risk loosing my son.

This really hurts me and makes me feel worthless. I make a huge effort in my appearance and can't stand the feeling that he fancies someone else. It makes me wonder whats wrong with me and I feel like he wishes he could be with her & is only with me because he doesn't want to loose his son.

I'll spend ages beating myself up about it and I think it's making me depressed which only makes me do it more.

It's not just her - it's all women. I suddenly hate him watching porn which previously I didn't mind. I got upset when he said he only wants pretty waitresses working for us. I hate him going to the pub, wondering who is there and what he could do when drunk.

I really hate feeling this way and I think I'm the one with the problem - not him. I guess it's normal for men to look at other women but I just don't understand why and I know I'd not look at another man. I don't know what to do. I want to avoid antidepressants for another month at least whilest I'm breastfeeding my son. I'm hoping someone maybe has some words of wisdom.

[jno]

I have no idea whether it's your fault - it could be some form of postnatal depression - but he doesn't exactly seem to have his mind on fatherhood, does he? It seems to me he's behaving like a jerk. This does not mean he's unfaithful; but yes, you do need to talk. You need his help and support at a difficult time emotionally and physically and it sounds as if he's in denial about the whole thing.

[Octavius]

Have you actually had this conversation with him?

Some men are completely useless as to how a woman can feel after giving birth, sometimes this is exacerbated by the lack of communication from a woman opening up and explaining how she feels. So us men continue as if all is normal.

I suggest you sit down and have that chat.

[Petal~flower]

you have a 7 week old baby, and he is looking at porn!

I agree with jno, that he does not seem to have his mind on fatherhood.

After the euphoria of having the baby, your hormones afterwards are all over the place, tiredness and the demands of a small thing which you never would imagine could make you feel so ragged.

Your partner sounds very immature, which is not helping you. Some men get jealous when the baby arrives, as all the attention is no longer on them, but focussed on you and the baby. He may be reverting to this childish behaviour to get attention. Where he should be focusing his attention on you and your child.

It reads to me, that its his behavior that is causing you to feel like this. You have done a wonderful thing.

You have done nothing wrong. But if you still feel low, have a talk with your health visitor

I wish you lots of luck, as have been there, and know how it feels xx

[beso]

The problem is with your relationship. Not surprising given the circumstances. It is very easy to become so focussed on the new baby and to see you own relationship in that context.

I expect neither of you have really reassured each other of the strength of your own bond aside from your role as parents. You both need to sort this immediately or there won't be any bond left. You need to make time to do this even if it means having a bay sitter for a couple of hours.

Avoid the antidepressants. They are a ticket to a rollercoaster ride you don't want.

[terambulan]

Ur first responsibility is ur son who is totally dependant on ur care and full attention. Ur son loves you unconditionally. He needs ur total focus at this time.

Give yourself fully to your son and his needs and your OH will appreciate the nurturing and caring u give to his son and will love u all the more for that.

Ur OH maybe feeling left-out at the close bond between u and ur son. Hand him his son between feeds so he can bond with his baby.