Jobs & Education2 mins ago
Should I see my children if they don't want to see me?
25 Answers
Just got back from seeing my kids ( in Germany) for the first time in over a year, which in fairness to all concerned was my choice as I had to sort myself out and didn't want them in the line of fire whilst I was doing that so to speak.
Predictably I was not terribly welcome, not only from my ex, which I expected tbh, but also from my children.The littlest one didn't remember me at all ( again understandable) and my elder daughter with whom I have always been very close, was going out of her way to make me wish I wasn't there. The kids call her new boyfriend 'Papa', and he seems to have managed to walk right into the role. I don''t like him, he's arrogant, but if I am objective then he seems to be making a passable job of looking after my kids.My ex is pregnant by him and really does just wish I'd go away and die, although she was passably civil as always.
My question really is, they seem to be pretty settled over there, are getting on well with the language etc and clearly don't want to see me... I'm usually pretty okay with letting kids make their own choices, and at least my one daughter's (10 years old) choice appears to be not to see me again, but at the same time I can't help thinking she might be crying out to be 'fought for' and I would like to see them. Do I actively pursue contact in asking to visit again etc or just let the kids have my details, explaining how much I'd like to see them, and wait for them to come to me? I should point out that my ten year old is exceptionally grown up for her age and knows her own wishes thoroughly. Niether her mother nor the boyfriend I think have adversely swayed the kids away from me.
There is no question of going to court to force the situation, and there is no court order in place. I'm asking more from a moral and emotional viewpoint, than a legal one.
Thanks.
Predictably I was not terribly welcome, not only from my ex, which I expected tbh, but also from my children.The littlest one didn't remember me at all ( again understandable) and my elder daughter with whom I have always been very close, was going out of her way to make me wish I wasn't there. The kids call her new boyfriend 'Papa', and he seems to have managed to walk right into the role. I don''t like him, he's arrogant, but if I am objective then he seems to be making a passable job of looking after my kids.My ex is pregnant by him and really does just wish I'd go away and die, although she was passably civil as always.
My question really is, they seem to be pretty settled over there, are getting on well with the language etc and clearly don't want to see me... I'm usually pretty okay with letting kids make their own choices, and at least my one daughter's (10 years old) choice appears to be not to see me again, but at the same time I can't help thinking she might be crying out to be 'fought for' and I would like to see them. Do I actively pursue contact in asking to visit again etc or just let the kids have my details, explaining how much I'd like to see them, and wait for them to come to me? I should point out that my ten year old is exceptionally grown up for her age and knows her own wishes thoroughly. Niether her mother nor the boyfriend I think have adversely swayed the kids away from me.
There is no question of going to court to force the situation, and there is no court order in place. I'm asking more from a moral and emotional viewpoint, than a legal one.
Thanks.
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When he came back in to our lives he was a changed man, his issues were resolved and he was pretty humbled by everything he'd been through and indeed put his family through. Unfortunately I didn't quite see it this way. My mother quotes me as saying to her that 'if he hurts those girls again, I'm holding you responsible.' I don't remember saying it but I know I held her responsible because I refused to see my father again. I kept this up for a year, he brought me a ring for my birthday and I lost it, he brought me a bonsai tree (I like them) and I killed it (that was a likely outcome even if I wanted to keep it), everytime he offered to take me with the girls I refused and to really stick the knife in, I let it be known that when he came to the house I was in and upstairs knowing tht it would be torturing him to know he was so close to me but also (as they say) so far.
Eventually after a year I began to see that my sisters were happy, he hadn't let them down, he had kept to his visits and more importantly that he had changed. And thus I began to come downstairs on occasion etc...
I'm 29 now and my father is the only person I trust 100% in this whole wide world. It's taken 10 years to get to this point and I think if you ask him if it was worth the effort I think he'd say it was. I don't know what I'd do without my dad (which ungrateful brat that I am I do a lousy job of showing still). I guess it depends how much effort you think it's worth and if it's worth it. Absolutely no one here can answer that for you so I give you some circumstances in my life to demonstrate what you may have to go through and what it leads to and judge for yourself the effort and worth of the cause.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Eventually after a year I began to see that my sisters were happy, he hadn't let them down, he had kept to his visits and more importantly that he had changed. And thus I began to come downstairs on occasion etc...
I'm 29 now and my father is the only person I trust 100% in this whole wide world. It's taken 10 years to get to this point and I think if you ask him if it was worth the effort I think he'd say it was. I don't know what I'd do without my dad (which ungrateful brat that I am I do a lousy job of showing still). I guess it depends how much effort you think it's worth and if it's worth it. Absolutely no one here can answer that for you so I give you some circumstances in my life to demonstrate what you may have to go through and what it leads to and judge for yourself the effort and worth of the cause.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Your daughter is 10 - and she is angry - at you probably yes... but her behaviour is that of a child and you should not make a judgement as to whether you think it means she does or doesnt want you there. She is too young to make that decision herself - in the big picture of things!
Keep up the efforts.. and when you are not with them send them little notes or emails or text messages to let them know that you can be relied on and are thinking of them. All little girls want their daddy and she may just be lucky enough to have TWO in the end! Keep up the effort! Dont give up on them!
Keep up the efforts.. and when you are not with them send them little notes or emails or text messages to let them know that you can be relied on and are thinking of them. All little girls want their daddy and she may just be lucky enough to have TWO in the end! Keep up the effort! Dont give up on them!
Are these the same kids you taught at home rather than go to school, the ones who had maids to look after them rather than parents?
Anyhows keep in touch as they will no doubt change their minds and come a stage in their lives when they will want to see you regardless of whats gone on in the past
Good luck
Anyhows keep in touch as they will no doubt change their minds and come a stage in their lives when they will want to see you regardless of whats gone on in the past
Good luck
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Thanks everyone, very helpful advice and china I'm glad things have ended happily for you as they have.
Elvis... yes we taught our kids at home... what's the relevance of that??? but they never had 'maids', where the hell did you get that from??? One or other of us was always there to look after them, I'm not quite seeing what you are driving at, perhaps you can explain?
We have quite a large family and the older children have fared pretty well through this, it's only really my ten year old that I'm despeately worried about, as the younger one will adapt far better to anything than she will, but I mailed her her yesterday and managed to speak to her mother whose agreed to co-operate in helping me somewhat, so maybe things will level out, as her mother generaly talks a great deal of sense.
Thank you all again for your help:)
Elvis... yes we taught our kids at home... what's the relevance of that??? but they never had 'maids', where the hell did you get that from??? One or other of us was always there to look after them, I'm not quite seeing what you are driving at, perhaps you can explain?
We have quite a large family and the older children have fared pretty well through this, it's only really my ten year old that I'm despeately worried about, as the younger one will adapt far better to anything than she will, but I mailed her her yesterday and managed to speak to her mother whose agreed to co-operate in helping me somewhat, so maybe things will level out, as her mother generaly talks a great deal of sense.
Thank you all again for your help:)
