How do you tell an adoptive person you have found there real mum?

[unhappychick]

My friend has a husband and they are seperated at the moment, he was adopted as a child and has severe rejection issues, as soon as he feels slightly threatened he bolts. He knows he has issues but cant face them. Me and my friend searched for his birth mother on the net yesterday...after 3 and a half hours of searching, we found her, she only lives about 8 miles away! My friend went and saw her, she said the mum was a bit dirty looking but was friendly and quite sad about the situation, she said she would happily meet with him and talk about why she had him adopted. My friend just doesnt know how to tell him as it is such a delicate issue, the man has nobody in his life other than his wife, my friend but has even pushed her away....what is the best way of telling him?

[Eve]

Did he know you were searching for his mother?

If anything I think maybe a card with the details in which is given to him for him to make up his own mind in his own time what, if anything, he wants to do about it.

[unhappychick]

No he didnt know, but may have an idea as my friend was asking him for his birth mothers date of birth

[CheekyChops]

Perhaps he doesn't want to meet her! Surely if he did he could have found her himself?

[shivvy]

Hi unhappychick. To be honest I am quite shocked about this as I personally don't think it is anybodys business or right to search for someone elses adoptive parent never mind actually approaching her and talking to her. I think I would be furious if someone did that to me without my permission.
That said, now that it has already be done, I would be trying to find out if the husband even wants to trace or meet his natural mother and only then consider giving him the details.

[Ethel]

I think it's appalling you've gone meddling in peoples lives like this.

If he wanted to find her, he would have looked himself, or asked for help.

And to go and see his birth mother without discussing it with him is very wrong.

And did your friend even think about the possible repercussions for this woman?

Tell your friend to forget all about it.

[Oneeyedvic]

I'm afraid I agree 100% with Ethel - and I speak as someone who has two step children that are adopted.

We have information on both of their birth parents, but would not give this to anyone except them.

He may well need counselling, and as a result of counselling he may wish to find his birth parents, but I think that you will do more harm than good by this invasion of his privacy.

[wiggal]

I must say, I also very much agree with the few posts above!

It is bad enough interfering with someones private life anyway, but with something so serious and possibly life changing is very wrong!!

[obNOXious]

Whilst I agree that it's one of the most crass and stupid things that you could have done ( especially actually to the lady who is his mother... God knows how she feels now), I can just about see that somewhere between the lines (since your friend and husband are now seperated yet she is still doing this for him) you are trying to actually help him in some way..

What I suggest ( as a damage limitattion excercise) is as follows, get your friend to try to talk to him deeply about the issues that he feels he has and so on and then SOUND HIM OUT about how he would feel about meeting his birth mother.
IF that's a positive response then perhaps offer to look for her and proceed from there, but it would be heartless in the extreme to just announce that you have gone behind his back, ridden rough shod over his and his mother's feelings and just gone wading into what is a very private and personal thing which should be just between them.
Tread very very carefully please, or you might do untold damage.

[unhappychick]

Its not just interfering someones private life, its my friends husband of 12 years! He would have looked for her himself but the prpblem is he is emotionally destroyed right now and needed help, so my friend gave her husband the help that was needed, he hasnt the strength in him to do it and the reason why my friend went and spoke with her first as she didnt know what the reaction was going to be from her, and would rather face a barrage of abuse herself rather than her husband face another rejection again. He has been for counselling and it didnt help, he said the answers he is looking for is from his birth mother, so thats why my friend done what she did, it wasnt an invasion of privacy, it was done in good faith and to help her husband.

[Ethel]

It may have been done in good faith, but there are ways and means.

Even a letter to his birth mother would have been preferable to turning up on her doorstep.

[unhappychick]

obNOXious, really good advice there, my friend has no intention of telling him yet, she was thinking about how was the best way to go about it, I think your suggestions were very good and I will pass them on to her, thankyou

[obNOXious]

Right fair enough, as I said, it's obvious to see that you acted in good faith, and meant no harm, but that still does not mean thhat it's not an invasion of privacy and that it won't do untold harm if you handle it badly, which is why everyone has is so outraged.
Clearly you meant no harm, only good, but if he's emotionally destroyed as you say, then this might in fact make things a whole lot worse, as from experience I know, to deal with your past if it's unpleasant or difficult, you need to be in a very stable, strong place mentally.
This will NOT wave a magic wand and make him feel okay you know so again please take on board what people here have said and go gently.

[unhappychick]

The reason why my friend knocked on the door was because we wasnt certain it was her, the thing is, the woman had 11 children in all and by several different fathers and had 3 of them adopted and she said she has already had the other 2 turn up at the door and was quite open to my friend turning up, she said she was used to it

[unhappychick]

obNOXious, you are very right, and im certain my friend will make it a top priority to get things done properly and at the right time

[Lucy Thomas]

You can dress it up in whatever fancy words you want but it is still a gross invasion of this man's privacy.

I cannot believe that you have gone meddling in this man's private life. How would you feel if things turned out badly for either him and/or his mother? How would you feel if someone did the same to you?

With friends like you, who needs enemies.

[unhappychick]

Lucy Thomas, Me personally have not meddled in anyones life, I helped my friend as I was asked! This is her husband we are talking about, someone with whom she is very close to regardless of the current circumstances.

Your comment about with friends like you who needs enemies, is completely unvalid and uncalled for. My friend is aware of the whole picture, you are not, I have briefly outlined the circumstances, there is a lot more to it than what I have wrote, so I suggest you take some of obNOXious's advice and read between the lines.

[lil75]

I found my ex's real father for him, there was no internet then and it was a very difficult and time consuming process. My ex was delighted that I did that for HIM and they still keep in contact now, he has many brothers and sisters that he didnt even know he had and many more extended family members. It was the best thing I ever could have done for him.

[lawsanass]

Maybe a letter would have been a better idea to the mother.......but hang on.....doesnt good old Jeremy Kyle do this type of thing almost every day of the week and everyone things its great......I think the poor wife was just trying to help her hubby sort his head out. Might be a good idea if she got in touch with red cross or the like for their advice on how to continue with the process of telling her hubby....good luck

[Lucy Thomas]

You decided to come on here and air this in public. Don't get defensive when you get answers you don't like.

You have certainly played a part in this and must take responsibility if things go wrong. If I was asked to do what you have done, I would say no.

It appears to me that you've given little thought to your actions and you seem to interfering in the life of someone obviously in a very fragile mental state.

[Lucy Thomas]

...seem to be interfering...