parents, should they stay together for the kids sake?

[christie]

Im in a realy tough situation my partner and i have nothing in commen any more he lives his life i live mine which is if im with my kids im happy ,he,s either at work football or with his mates,i care about him but im not in love with him.but the kids adore him id be tormented with guilt for them if i asked him to leave but im more happy when he.s not there we also have alot of debt and i coulnt manage financial alone i feel im with him for all the wrong reasons the kids would be heartbroken.what should i do any advice would be gratfully accepted.

[andy hughes]

Feom the circumstances you outline, it appears you have both reached a compromise, which, although far from ideal, is working. It does seem that splitting up will cause more problems, emotional and financial, than it will solve, so if you can hang in there, I'd be inclined to stay. If it reaches a stage where the atmosphere is making you too unhappy, or affecting the children, then it's time to go - emotional wellbeing has to come before financial constraints any day. Children are very resilant - they will suffer far less from a breakup than you imagine, and your guilt will last a lot longer than their upset - they perceive the world as children differently than we do as adults. Take things a day at a time, and don't make any hasty decisions. Good luck, we are here for you if you need us.

[christie]

Thanks andyhughes that was not only lovely it made so much sense aswell,thankyou.

[Doolallygirl]

I'd say try to work at it. Try seeing a Relate councillor (counsellor?) for example or get some sort of marriage guidance. The children should come first but your happiness should come a close second. You can't live the rest of your life unhappy being with someone. If counselling doesn't work and the only option is divorce, just think on the bright side. Your children won't be any worse off really. As long as they still stay in touch with their father regularly and he still pays their child support etc then I can imagine they may even be better off. You will be happier and therefore they will be happier. Best advice I can give is to work at this marriage though first. Then if it doesn't work out you can say you gave it your best shot and tried your hardest.

[andy hughes]

You are very welcome christie.

[kags]

Hi christie, I agree with andy hughes, it's a tough call, but when there are children involved you have to think very, very carefully about splitting up the home. Most marriages go through stale periods, it's inevitable, and the question is are you just settled into a rut which you could shake off with a bit of effort, or are you really no longer happy at all together. Don't try and compare what you've got with what you might have, it's an impossible comparison. Look at what you have to work with as a couple,there may be things you have forgotten about, or take for granted, that you like about each other. Work on these things, maybe with the help of Relate, and you might find that the postives outweigh the negatives. If they don't, then it will be time to make a tough decision to split; this will be hard on the children but they will be ok if you try to shield them as much as possible from the emotional upheaval you go through. Easier said than done!! Good luck.

[IcklePenguin]

From personal experience I can say that kids tend to suffer more if parents are together and obviously unhappy. So though there might be some upset in the event that you split up with your partner, if there has been a bad atmosphere at home it may end up as more of a relief. So long as your children know that it's their parents splitting up with each other, not their parents splitting up with them. So don't feel too guilty about that side of it. Good luck and I hope you figure out a way for you all to be happy.

[nrmatth]

i'm on the fence with this one but i'll give a little advice. my ex-husband and i were like that and never argued and cared about each other but no spark was there anymore. when my daughter was born she was small and didn't grow a lot in the first 9 months. the doctor asked if our relationship was good because babies sense the tension like that. of course we were upset he asked this kind of question but when we later split up and i started a relationship with a man i am now engaged to who loves her like his own, her growth shot up to a normal kid her age in a matter of months. i believe it was because of the happier loving atmosphere of the family. she's now a healthy 3 year old, and her new brother is as big as a horse! jk. anyway, if deep down though, you want to try to make it work, then you have to realize he may not realize there's a problem if you've seemed to "settle" into this new routine. I recomend a book called "men are from mars, women are from venus". it helps women understand men and vice versa and also helps both sexes understand the secret art of successfully communicating with your partner and how to get what you want out of a relationship. it worked wonderfully in the rough times of my currant relationship and my fiance says he even swears by it. Try it before you give up. it will help open your heart at least and you'll know you did what you could.

[christie]

thankyou all for your advice i did talk to my partner and he was totally shocked he didnt realise we had a problem after talking for 4 hours he totally agreed with me that there was a huge problam he listerend to my points and i listernd to his for the first time in 2 years we really talked and we came to the conclusion that we still loved each other but we had let things slip and taken each other for granted weve decided that one day a week were spending a whole day has a family and in between were going to talk and hopefully we wont let things get to that stage again,i feel alot more hopefull now and its thanks to all your advice so thankyou all again.

[zgma]

Christie, I'm so glad for you that things are looking better. It's amazing how when things are bad, you can't see any way for them to get better... but something as simple as one conversation can change everything for the better. Good luck with everything.

[Cuddles]

As a child who grew up in a volatile household...please no. Children are not stupid and no matter how hard parents try to pretend everythings ok - the coldness etc can have devastating effects on them as adults. A happy parent is better than 2 unhappy ones.