Editor's Blog1 min ago
Annoying Friend!
12 Answers
I would really like some advice! I have a male friend who I have been friends with for over 10 years now. We are both 23 years old.
We are pretty close and share a lot of things with each other, but recently he has been acting a bit weird, and when a bit drunk has hinted he likes me (I am happily living with my partner.) But at the moment he is really argumentative and he has (in my view) very weird attitudes on certain things. The main thing being if he likes someone he will go for it, whether they have a partner or not. (he has never tried anything with me though.) He has three times now kissed or slept with someone who has a partner because he feels it isnt his problem it is the other persons. Which is fair enough to a degree, but is it just me who thinks this is morally wrong?
I have a female friend who originally liked my male friend but nothing ever happened. SHe is fairly week and craves male attention. My male friend continues to text her sexy texts and being suggestive, even though she has a boyfriend. She suffers from depression and as I said craves attention, especially from someone she use to like. I know it isnt all him, and she is slightly to blame for texting him back, but he knows she is fragile, yet he uses her when he is um frustrated shall we say!
Sorry for such a long question! I am guessing males and females are going to have different views considering our minds work differently!!
Thanks!
We are pretty close and share a lot of things with each other, but recently he has been acting a bit weird, and when a bit drunk has hinted he likes me (I am happily living with my partner.) But at the moment he is really argumentative and he has (in my view) very weird attitudes on certain things. The main thing being if he likes someone he will go for it, whether they have a partner or not. (he has never tried anything with me though.) He has three times now kissed or slept with someone who has a partner because he feels it isnt his problem it is the other persons. Which is fair enough to a degree, but is it just me who thinks this is morally wrong?
I have a female friend who originally liked my male friend but nothing ever happened. SHe is fairly week and craves male attention. My male friend continues to text her sexy texts and being suggestive, even though she has a boyfriend. She suffers from depression and as I said craves attention, especially from someone she use to like. I know it isnt all him, and she is slightly to blame for texting him back, but he knows she is fragile, yet he uses her when he is um frustrated shall we say!
Sorry for such a long question! I am guessing males and females are going to have different views considering our minds work differently!!
Thanks!
Answers
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i think there are several issues in your post
1) him coming on to you.
2) how you feel about this
3) his general behaviour
4) his relationship with your depressive friend
5) your responsibility for anything that happesn
Lets acknowledge what you are "saying" - he is telling you he would like to "have a go"with you - now it that just cos he likes to destroy relationships or because he really really likes you - you are "the one" and he is punishing every other woman because his love is unrequited.............
if you would just be another conquest...............that doesnt suggest hes a very good friend - if he sees you as just on more conquest ??
if he really really likes you ............................ either you are or arent interested and you do or do not tell him in no uncertain terms the line across which YOU will not cross if YOU are to maintin your friendship with HIM
Either, he is a such a good - friend that you admire the friendship so much you accept this flaw in his personality and let him get on with it, or on some level - are you wondering if you want someone like this in your life.........especially if the above is true and he would use YOU in that way .............. is he worth it ??
it is hard, but i feel you warn your friend, and if she is not in a place to heed your warning..................... let her live thru it, being hurt by him, and then be there to pick her up afterwards, this might be part of her learning and it is not for you to possibly stop that learning................... just be what you clearly are............... a bloody fantastic friend, .......................... who cares.
you have no responsiblity for other peoples learning, but you have responsilblility to yourself - you want to tell him to not be a S**t , then do it.......................... if you dont, dont.................. this is
1) him coming on to you.
2) how you feel about this
3) his general behaviour
4) his relationship with your depressive friend
5) your responsibility for anything that happesn
Lets acknowledge what you are "saying" - he is telling you he would like to "have a go"with you - now it that just cos he likes to destroy relationships or because he really really likes you - you are "the one" and he is punishing every other woman because his love is unrequited.............
if you would just be another conquest...............that doesnt suggest hes a very good friend - if he sees you as just on more conquest ??
if he really really likes you ............................ either you are or arent interested and you do or do not tell him in no uncertain terms the line across which YOU will not cross if YOU are to maintin your friendship with HIM
Either, he is a such a good - friend that you admire the friendship so much you accept this flaw in his personality and let him get on with it, or on some level - are you wondering if you want someone like this in your life.........especially if the above is true and he would use YOU in that way .............. is he worth it ??
it is hard, but i feel you warn your friend, and if she is not in a place to heed your warning..................... let her live thru it, being hurt by him, and then be there to pick her up afterwards, this might be part of her learning and it is not for you to possibly stop that learning................... just be what you clearly are............... a bloody fantastic friend, .......................... who cares.
you have no responsiblity for other peoples learning, but you have responsilblility to yourself - you want to tell him to not be a S**t , then do it.......................... if you dont, dont.................. this is
PMorris thanks for your answer. I didnt mean anything by my last paragraphy! I aint sexist it was just a passing comment!
I thought the same thing, let them both learn from their mistakes and just be there afterwards to pick up the pieces. With my friend I just cant get past his attitude on certain things. He has never had a long term relationship, he had one relationship for a couple of months and the girlfriend cheated on him, so he says he knows what it feels like! But the two/three people he has slept with, all had long term boyfriends. He believes that there relationship is already on the rocsk so he may as well sleep with them!
I have tried to ignore it, but he will send me texts saying guess what I did last night, and he will tell me another one of his conquests. I just said we can be mates but just not talk about women. He asks for my advice on women and thats when we end up falling out.
I have told him I am happy with my boyfriend and nothing would ever happen with him. But he is constantly trying to make out I am kidding myself and that I am not that happy. Being my friend I do tell him if I have a fall out with my boyfriend,and by that he thinks we should split up. He doesnt understand relationships and that all people have rows, they are never major and are just usually small things. But it happens!!
Sorry to ramble!
I thought the same thing, let them both learn from their mistakes and just be there afterwards to pick up the pieces. With my friend I just cant get past his attitude on certain things. He has never had a long term relationship, he had one relationship for a couple of months and the girlfriend cheated on him, so he says he knows what it feels like! But the two/three people he has slept with, all had long term boyfriends. He believes that there relationship is already on the rocsk so he may as well sleep with them!
I have tried to ignore it, but he will send me texts saying guess what I did last night, and he will tell me another one of his conquests. I just said we can be mates but just not talk about women. He asks for my advice on women and thats when we end up falling out.
I have told him I am happy with my boyfriend and nothing would ever happen with him. But he is constantly trying to make out I am kidding myself and that I am not that happy. Being my friend I do tell him if I have a fall out with my boyfriend,and by that he thinks we should split up. He doesnt understand relationships and that all people have rows, they are never major and are just usually small things. But it happens!!
Sorry to ramble!
I have to say that i am wondering now, i cant but help possibly agree with onlyme 26, you know what hes like and you know what he thinks if you tell him that you have rowed with your boyfriend.
So why do you tell him ???
And why if you have told him that you dont want to talk about his "women" do you still let him tell you - in what im wondering might be too explicit detail (!!!) all the in and outs of it all..........................
are you perhaps a little bit confused about what you think about him yourself.........................and are you doing what an awful lot of us do but perhaps dont want to admit............and thats keeping a spare in reserve just in case the current one doesnt work out ???
i think you need to be a little bit more honest with yourself
So why do you tell him ???
And why if you have told him that you dont want to talk about his "women" do you still let him tell you - in what im wondering might be too explicit detail (!!!) all the in and outs of it all..........................
are you perhaps a little bit confused about what you think about him yourself.........................and are you doing what an awful lot of us do but perhaps dont want to admit............and thats keeping a spare in reserve just in case the current one doesnt work out ???
i think you need to be a little bit more honest with yourself
he he lol I am definately not jealous or keeping him as a reserve! He has been single for many years and I have had plenty of opportunities to start something with him but have definately never wanted to!
I had another really good male friend who had fallen in love with me, and I got a bit jealous when he got a new girlfriend, but I was just jealous that I wasnt the person he was spending time with.
I grew up with three brothers and so get on with guys better than females. So I have a lot of male friends and treat them the same as my female friends.
He doesnt go into the details about the women he sleeps with, it is hard to explain easily and quickly, but he has really strange views. It is like he always goes after people in our friendship group because it is easier, he has this strange idea that when he is ready to commit (his job takes all over the place at the moment) it is like he thinks the woman he is going to marry and have kids with is just going to land on his lap. If he cant find anyone then I would be a good substitute!!
It just annoys me the way he treats women sometimes. I dont tell him about my arguments with my boyfriend anymore, it was only after the last arguement I had did he turn around and try and make out that maybe I wasnt happy blah blah. So I dont tell him anymore.
I had another really good male friend who had fallen in love with me, and I got a bit jealous when he got a new girlfriend, but I was just jealous that I wasnt the person he was spending time with.
I grew up with three brothers and so get on with guys better than females. So I have a lot of male friends and treat them the same as my female friends.
He doesnt go into the details about the women he sleeps with, it is hard to explain easily and quickly, but he has really strange views. It is like he always goes after people in our friendship group because it is easier, he has this strange idea that when he is ready to commit (his job takes all over the place at the moment) it is like he thinks the woman he is going to marry and have kids with is just going to land on his lap. If he cant find anyone then I would be a good substitute!!
It just annoys me the way he treats women sometimes. I dont tell him about my arguments with my boyfriend anymore, it was only after the last arguement I had did he turn around and try and make out that maybe I wasnt happy blah blah. So I dont tell him anymore.
What sort of person I am - I hope that isnt bad lol! I think you are right in a way. Could I do without him as a friend because to me it is quite a moral flaw that he has.
But I am still strangely enough friends with the people I went to school with, including my male friends who I have now been friends with for over 10 years, and it may be awkward when we all go out together if he is going to be there and we arent talking. I am just going to not do too much about it at the moment and see how things go.
Thanks for all your advice!
But I am still strangely enough friends with the people I went to school with, including my male friends who I have now been friends with for over 10 years, and it may be awkward when we all go out together if he is going to be there and we arent talking. I am just going to not do too much about it at the moment and see how things go.
Thanks for all your advice!
No I am not a fat frigid moose Tetjam but it is abundantly clear that you are profoundly sexist.
Those who cling to the stereotypes seek to maintain them because they are uncomfortable with allowing men the freedom to express themselves emtionally. The foundations of this insecurity among women is the fear that they will loose the presumption of traditional feminine identity. During the rise of women's rights many men went through the same problem as many women adopted careers and became the primary income earners in relationships robbing men of their presumed role as "breadwinner".
A man posting a comment that women were really only suited to home duties and child rearing because men and women think differently would be rightly decried as sexism rather than a "lighhearted joke". While the ability of women to work in "traditional male occupations" can now be backed buy evidence, during the rise of women's liberation in the seventies when women were virtually non-existent in engineering positions they insisted that an enginer should not be referred to as "he" because to do so was to erect a barrier to women's potential.
Today we see reactionary attitudes among women as men seek the liberty to find their own emotional identity. Sexism is rife among women and it is time they gave men their due respect.
Those who cling to the stereotypes seek to maintain them because they are uncomfortable with allowing men the freedom to express themselves emtionally. The foundations of this insecurity among women is the fear that they will loose the presumption of traditional feminine identity. During the rise of women's rights many men went through the same problem as many women adopted careers and became the primary income earners in relationships robbing men of their presumed role as "breadwinner".
A man posting a comment that women were really only suited to home duties and child rearing because men and women think differently would be rightly decried as sexism rather than a "lighhearted joke". While the ability of women to work in "traditional male occupations" can now be backed buy evidence, during the rise of women's liberation in the seventies when women were virtually non-existent in engineering positions they insisted that an enginer should not be referred to as "he" because to do so was to erect a barrier to women's potential.
Today we see reactionary attitudes among women as men seek the liberty to find their own emotional identity. Sexism is rife among women and it is time they gave men their due respect.
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