A question for the men

[lil75]

Im writing this for this for a friend....My mate has been having problems and when her husband and her broke up and got back together again, unfortunately the relationship broke down again, and the problem is is that they relationship betwen him and his son seems to be breaking down, he seems to really back off from her son and she is wondering wether any men out there basically will admit that they do love there wife/partner more than there children, and if they couldnt have it all, would they find it very difficult to just have a relationship with the child/children? If men cant answer this, have any women felt that there partners have been jealous of there children?

[sqad617]

I am not the brightest bulb in the box, but could I get something clear in my own mind. The "children" that you are talking about, are they the children of the relationship between your mate and her husband, or are there other children from previous relationships to be considered?

[lil75]

Sorry, I should have been a bit clearer..no its there son...his and hers, he used to be a great dad to him, but since the breakdown of the relationship, he is backing out of playing the father role, he sees the boy every other weekend but doesnt interact with him much and the son comes home in tears, telling his mum daddy has changed

[JockSporran]

I do know from experience that women are more possessive of their children and will even put them before their partners. As for what men think, I can only speak for myself, and I love all my family and cannot put one above the others.

[wonkon-wonk]

if the boy sees this man as "daddy" then this bloke is an ******* he obviously did not really care for him at all to now push him aside.

[chelle7272]

yes I do think a lot of men have this problem.
Some of it could be that they just don't know how to engage with the child without another parent around, epecially if they did not do a lot with them (one to one) when the marriage was ok.
My sons father has two sons by two marriages and is devoted when with the woman but doesn't really bother with either of the boys any more (my son is 12 and has seen his dad for 2 hours since xmas last year).
Some men are very capable though and I know some dads who are brilliant single parents.
It is very upsetting for the little boy, is it possible that they could occasionally go out as a family to support each other through these changes, or has the relationship broken down too far for that?

[chelle7272]

Jock - i meant to say, your answer disturbed me a little.
Your use of the word possessive and stating that women EVEN put the kids first. In my opinion the kids should always come first before a husband/wife/partner.
perhaps then these differences are more fundametal than I would have thought.

[sqad617]

It would seem that the son is grown up and his father is probably seeing another woman who is taking the affecrion from his son.
This happens ALL the time and despite the pleas of psycholgical councillors , it will sort itself out one way or another in time.
Different fathers react differingly to the same situation.
Unfortunately the word "love" is over used and means differing things to different people.
This situation will resolve iteself between the parties involved.

[Postdog]

The guy risks losing his wife, and it hurts. He also risks losing his son, which also hurts, but without being a couple he knows he could not/will not look after his son.

It could well be a subconcious defensive measure to stop him hurting further - ie, not getting too attached beause of the inevitable.

Other weekend visitations are two edged and the fact that he has to leave again could be depressing him.

[Bbbananas]

It may be subsconscious, but that feeling of rejection is very much in the conscious of his son.

My kids' 'real' father deliberately stopped contact with them when I ended our marriage and they were 5 and 7. I pulled out all the stops to make sure he could see them as much as he wanted - he chose not to. His loss, not theirs. He was not a brilliant father.

However, even though this was almost 20 years ago, my daughter in particular still feels the rejection inside and it has affected her view of men, or father's, in general. That is a shame.

This man should make an effort with his son now, no matter how hard it is for him, before the son himself backs away.

[WoWo]

Not wishing to pick on you sallabananas but your statement....

"His loss, not theirs"

Is rather contradictory when you go on to say it has affected your daughters relationship with me.

With regard to the original question, has your friend actually talk to her ex partner about this, it may be that while he has modified his behavior he might not realise this is upsetting his son.

[lil75]

Yes my mate has tried talking to him about it, but he just starts getting angry and jumps in his car and speeds off, she has tried discussing it with him on the phone and ive heard it for myself....he just sits there saying nothing...he is impossible!

[Bbbananas]

What I meant WoWo by saying 'his loss, not theirs' is that he has lost, by his own choosing, two wonderful beautiful fantastic children.

They have 'lost' a dad, but he wasn't a brilliant dad so is it such a loss to them really? He didn't beat them up or anything (I would have left him immediately in those circumstances), but he was overly-heavyhanded with them, drunk too much and, without wishing to go into specifics, turned out not to deserve to call himself a father.

so yes - all in all, despite having affected my daughter because how could it not - he is the big time loser.