When does it start to get 'easier'?

[haysi06]

I know that there is no time limit on grieving but in your own experience when did it begin to get a little 'easier', I know that 'easier' is not the right word, but when did you feel more able to cope? Not meaning to be maudling.

[dot.hawkes]

It gets easier when you can distract yourself, but when you revisit your pain it will return just as strongly.
In recent weeks, after the first anniversary of D's death, we have been able to drive past the spot, but I certainly get an overwhelming feeling of grief, especially with so many new flowers having been left there.
I can't visit my parents grave yet, and it's 3 years since dad passed and 8 since Mum. i have only been a handful of times, it's the walking away and leaving it that is traumatic.
We all have the endless luxury of grievibg for them in our own way and our own time. Noone can make up any rules for that

[pinktwink]

with time ans support.you need to allow yourself grieve but also to move towards an acceptance that a loved one is dead.. it takes different time for everyone. It helps to focus on the positive aspects yee shared and the good memories you share they will always remain. Take comfort knowing that your loved one will still be with you each and every day as they will remain in your heart. give yourself permission to be ok and move on . Most of all get support , treat yourself and dont be afraid to reach out to others
godd luck

[puddingqueen]

I would like to know when this happens too, my Grand-dad died in March and then my Nana died suddenly in May. My Grand-dad had been poorly a week before he died but with my Nana she died in her sleep, I have been off work the last few months as I am still trying to come to terms with her going so quickly and so suddenly, I am still waiting for my first counselling session with CRUSE, I am hoping this will make me feel abit better. I would give anything to have my Nana back, I miss her so much. I was closer to Nana than I was to my Grand-dad.

[pastafreak]

Takes a good few years......gets easier when you start to 'forget'.....and move on.
Not as callous as it sounds.

[haysi06]

Sometimes the grief and pain feel as raw and as horrendous as in the first days and weeks. I know that you need to allow the grieving process, I said the very same words to someone today who lost her mum recently, but the harsh reality is that it felt like I was only saying 'the words' to try to help her whilst not believing them myself.

[pinktwink]

acceptance is the key accepting your loved one is dead as opposed to torturing yourself constantly wishing they were here. That will only serve to relive the pain . No matter what we wish our loved one is never coming back and harsh as it may seem pasta is right you need to accept forget a little and move on.

[Ice.Maiden]

It's different for each person haysie. There's no particular length of time, but eventually the pain lessens and allows you to move forward. x

[Mamyalynne]

Oh dear Hays , I wish I knew I am only 6 weeks down the line and still very very raw, after 34 years I don`t expect it will pass soon. I too try to stay strong and even find myself telling people all is for the best, he is out of pain etc but inside I am screaming. Give yourself space ,time and allow the anger or frustration to come out. This is a human condition and sadly we have no choice in the matter, I wish you well, and know that you are not alone.
Mamya xxx

[terambulan]

For me, it remains a deep ache everytime my conshusness (sic) focuses back on myself. Tis hard to have distractions 24/7. The pain seems to increase rather than fade.

[haysi06]

Thank you all for your comments, I know that it is a painful and emotive subject, which sadly each one of us has to deal with at some time or another. I see other people who are going through the same and want to help them but of course realise that each person has their own way of coping. They say that 'time is a great healer' and its only been 3 years (end of this month) since my mum passed and so it's not really that long.

Thanks again. Hx

[daniela31]

Hi haysi. It's been 6 years for me since my brother died, and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think of him in some way. somtimes it's just silly things, like you see something in a shop and think 'he would have loved that', or you hear a song that remind you of that person.
I think the grief never goes away, but I have realised that not everyone can live to be old aged. And my brother was very, very ill, so it was best for him really, and he told us not to cry too much for him, because he had had a good life.
It is learning to accept that you won't see that person again....but you never forget what they meant to you.

Best wishes to you....
:-)

[gayed]

never. just gets harder

[bigmamma]

Morning haysi sweetie , it's different for each person as to how the process of mourning takes place . 3 years is nothing honey and I'm not surprised that you still feel tender. My sister passed away 4 years ago , my mother just over 3 years , my brother 2 years nearly , I still expect my sister or mum to ring my phone , and I still forget sometimes in town that I 'm not going to meet either of them for a cuppa. Sometimes little things remind me or I remember something and I cry . Time heals honey , but slowly . xxx

[andy-hughes]

Wonderful answers thus far - and no smart remarks from the retards, which has to be a first!

What you have to remember is the Westerners are very bad at death and grief. After a period of discomfort for those around you - say six weeks or so - they like to pretend that everything is back to normal, and you can carry on as before.

This does not happen.

You need to view the concept of grief correctly.

Grief is not a train on a track, moving forward, each day a bit further away from the pain, and closer to a pain-free life.

Grief is a boat on the ocean. Some days it's calm, your sail is up, your engine works, you are chugging along. Other days a storm blows, your engine is gone, your mast is shattered, and you are at the mercy of the current which will pitch you where ever until they feel like leaving you alone and powerless again.

So remember, some times your pain will be manageable, and sometimes it will be raw beyond bearing, and these feelings, and everything in between can last for seconds or weeks.

But equally important to remember - the intense rawness gets less with time, and the periods of acceptance get longer and longer.

You must go with your emotions, and allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it, and don't be diverted by the 'stiff upper lip' attitude - "You should be over it by now ...".

Take your own time, and peace will come to you.

[Bbbananas]

TIme does heal, but it will never take away the pain completely. I supose everyone is different in how long it takes them to first accept things and then to learn how to cope.

It's not being maudlin xx

[Drisgirl]

I dont want to heal neither do I want to feel the raw emotions either.To heal means that you 'are over it' -I dont want to ever be over it I just want to learn how to live with it.

Andy -your words meant so much to me -how true.I went to my GP just after my bereavement and he said the same- us westerners have to remain 'dignified' -I had to remain abolutely stock still as I saw someone I cared for deeply go behind the curtains -thats not natural but I didnt want to let the side down.I have now cried everyday since -thats natural.Its disturbing you cant show your true feelings for fear of ridicule.

I have started and had my initial assessment with CRUSE -I havent been able to talk to anyone in great depth as we are all suffering -I feel they are not just nodding dogs -they truly talk and chat with you and I know they are going to help me at least get me back on track to enable me to have the strength to guide our children in their future.

[andy-hughes]

Drisgirl

I am fascinated by how inadequate our spoken language is when dealing with these issues.

To my mind, the word 'heal' is not appropriate here.

This is not a physical wound which should, and will heal.

This is an emotional situation, and i don;t believe you ever 'heal' from this loss.

More accurately, what you do is assimilate the situation into your daily life. It develops a settled status where some days it hurts a lot, other days it makes you smile, but it becomes woven into the fabric of you as an individual.

You don't 'heal', you deal - what a difference a letter makes.

[ummmm]

This post has made me cry.....Again!!!

My Dad died 7 months ago and I still have days when I forget that he's even dead and It's like losing him all over again. The way I feel at the moment I don't think I'll ever get over him.

I really hope it does get better because life will be a struggle for all of us if I carry on like this.

[Bbbananas]

you don;'t heal - you deal. How true, in so many things. But especially in losing loved ones.

Once again Andy, so very well expressed.

[Drisgirl]

Thats how I feel Andy -just need to deal with it and thats my goal.I accept my life will never be the same again -I have to take another route, which I didnt anticipate with it being a sudden death and with someone whom I relied upon so much.

ummmm -I feel that you would benefit from independant counselling.I would highly recommend CRUSE -I avoided it for ages as I thought I had the inner strength to cope but suddenly after 7-8mnths I realised that I had been in denial and thats when it hit me hard. I still have his number on my moby -I simply cant delete it.However things did take a wee turn for the worse for me and I then knew and was adviced that I needed bereavement counselling and now its in motion I feel I am taking control instead of it contolling me.

Hope everyone finds solace somewhere and it does help to talk -I have thankfully a couple of fantastic friends who have seen me through my darkest hours and still continue to support me xxx