advice please

[fruitsalad]

my father is very ill, and has been given months to live rather than years although he does'nt know how long he has left, when i am caring for him if he does'nt get his own way, or hes not happy about something i do or say he is very abusive to me i.e swears at me calls me nasty names, and i have had a go back at him a few times and told him i wont be spoken to like that, but at the same time i feel guilty when i have a go at him back because when he's gone i'm going to feel even more guilty, what should i do ignore it and count to 10 or just keep on telling him i wont put up with it.

[4getmenot]

keep telling him as you shouldnt have to put up with it

[sandmaster]

This is difficult. If in the past he was good to you and a generally good person it may be his illness that is affecting his mind. In which case it is not his fault and he deserves patience and dignity. However, you are only human and can take only so much. Do you get help? Can you get out and about to have a break?
I feel for you.

[petal54]

ditto sandmaster,looking after family is always more difficult than none family,had experience with both.have a good festive season anyway!

[fruitsalad]

hi thanks for your replies yes he has been a good father,
has always swore although seems to do so far more lately, its the name calling im finding hard to take, i have to walk away because im in tears when he does it and i dont want him to see it upsets me, yes i do have a little help and i do get a break from it, I walked out on him today after he did it again, and now im feeling so guilty.

[jenty]

it is very difficult to cope with this...you must remember tho your father is very ill and he is taking out his anger and frustration out on you..yes it is difficult not to bite back..next time he does it dont bite back tell him you are leaving the room until he calms down..then stay away for 10mins or so...till he has calmed down..keep doing this and you may find he will get better with his outburst... never feel guilty as you havent anything to be guilty about...

[LoftyLottie]

I have been in the same situation.

My advice would be to ignore it completely and just walk out when he has a go at you. Retaliating in any way does not work. You know he has only months to live so it's no good trying to change him now. He probably doesn't mean it - he is angry with the world in general for what is happening to him and you are his nearest and dearest. We always hurt the ones we love.

I have learned this from experience. My Mum is in a care home now, which has made life easier. Believe me, its best to walk away from it and go back when you and he both feel better.

[LoftyLottie]

I have just seen jenty's answer which is almost the same as mine. Sorry jenty - I should have looked first.

Take care fruit salad.

[LoftyLottie]

I spent my life feeling guilty whilst I was caring for my mother - people kept telling me I shouldn't, but it's very natural. You have nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever.

Initially I used to get upset and actually started to get angry and rather nasty back - I will never forgive myself for that, but I was tired and at the end of my tether!

[sandmaster]

Don't feel guilty. You are doing your best for him. Many of us couldn't do it. I hope you have as enjoyable a Christmas as you can in the circumstances. None of us knows what is around the corner. Next week it could be me caring for my mother - or my daughter caring for me!!

[Clanad]

Having helped giving care to dying relatives I've had time to reflect on the Five Stages of Dying. I think they're generally accurate but hard to distinguish between.

I usually don't put much faith in psychological theories such as this, but it does seem to have a truth that one can detect.

The Five are Denial, Anger, Bargaining , Depression and Acceptance. There are several good books about this phenomena one can buy, but they are, for the most part, self-explanatory.

It sounds as if your father has moved into Anger, but rather than to take offense (and that would be difficult) help him trhough it, because once he moves through Bargaining into Depression, and silence from him is deafining, you'll probably look back on his anger with fondness. The depressive era was the most difficult to deal with in my experience. Acceptance brings almost an entirely new person out of the dying person and can be quite uplifting on a spiritual plane for the care giver...

My sincerest sympathies, but this too, shall pass...

[LoftyLottie]

What a nice posting Clanad. There does seem to be a lot of truth in what you have said.

[fruitsalad]

really appreciate your postings guys, so glad i ask your advice, feel a bit better than i did earlier and maybe it will make me feel a bit stronger and able to cope with dads outbursts.

[TWR]

Hi, Your position is very sad, to loose a parent is even worse, I work with people who have LD & get this near enough every day but the difference is, when I finish work I walk away, but I still care a lot for the lads I care for, they can be funny, cruel, & sad especially when they talk about their lost Mums/ Dads, They only constructive answer I can give you, when your Dad starts swearing start talking about something that happened years ago that he remembers that you all Laughed about It works I can assure you, This is the area I go into when our lads give me the " I do not get Sympathy from you, I am not a religious person but my thoughts are with you.

[tabytha]

hi i work with very ill patients on a daily basis and can understand how hard it is. i fortunately am able to leave when i finish but see how difficult day to day life is for the families. the only advice i have is to generally bit your lip as much as you can. however have you actually sat down with him and spoken to him about what the situation is and how you feel? at the end of the day he is your father are you able to speak to him? it can be very easy to see him as an ill person and treat him as an ill person instead of a person. alot of ill people feel incredibly frustrated and his reaction is probably due to this. is what he wants his own way with unreasonable? you havent said. i hope you can both work through this and enjoy the time you have rather than dwelling on the fact you will feel guilty when hes gone. that would be a shame

[yobanfa]

my own dad has just died in the last 2 weeks, 18 months ago he was told he had 2 months left, it was hard for all of us as myself and my mum cared for him, yes at times he was a pain, and yes at times i was mean back to him, but at the end of the day you dont know how long any of us are going to be around, so be nice to him and everyone else around you, you will need them one day, its hard but at least at the end of the day you can say, i did what i could for my dad, you only get 1 dad and mum, make the most of them, treat people how you would want them to treat you, its easier to smile then frown, make the most of um while they are still around, you will miss um so much when they are gone, and its no good thinking then, why didnt i do this or be nicer to um,

[fruitsalad]

yobanfa so sorry to hear of your loss, thank you for your kind words