step daughter

[onlyme26]

does anyone have a step daughter? how do you feel? how do you get along?

me and my partner arent actually married but happily live together have a child who is 7 and a baby on the way, he has a daughter from a previous relationship, she is nearly 11,

when we got together she was around 2, there wasnt really a place for me in her life as she had a mum and my partners mum took over everything!!!

anyway when i look at us now its like she is nearly 11 and we have never really bonded, i dont think i feel anything for her, i know this makes me sounds like a total cow, but i truely cant help the way i feel, i love my daughter to pieces she is my world and i love my baby on the way, but i cant work out why i dont have any feelings for my partners child,
she comes round every week and she gets treated the same as my daughter by me and my partner.
its just me...... i want to feel like a proper family when she is around but i dont, i feel uncomfortable and cant wait for her to go home, makes me really sad that i feel this way, i think my partner would be mortified if he knew, he doesnt know obviously and you would never beable to tell, i dont think id have the heart to openly admit this to anyone, is there anyone else out there in the same boat?

[Jillius]

Do you think that deep down you resent the fact that your partner and the girls mum were once in love ?

[poltergeist]

wow I must say that you dont sound like a cow at all. u sound like a really nice person :) sorry I cant help with your problem but just had to say

[onlyme26]

thanks poltergeist that was really helpful!!!

jillius - no ive never had a problem with the ex, she seems nice and had moved on before i came along,

i just think after 9 years surely i should feel the same for her as i do my own?

[poltergeist]

er ok I take it back then. u were right in what you said

[onlyme26]

you to sound like a lovely person! now get off my post!

[poltergeist]

huh?! I was being nice to you and you threw it back in my face! Now you are telling me where I can and cant post!

So much for bieng nice huh

[andy-hughes]

OK - back to the point.

I have two step-daughters, they were 6 and 4 when my wife and I met - they are thirty-four and thirty-two now, and we have a daughter between us who is nearly twenty.

I don;t go with 'step' anything as a label personally - all my girls are my daughters as far as i am concerned.

However, I would be lying if I said that the relationship between myself and the older two and the youngest is not different - it has to be by virtue of natural bonding as a biological parent.

That said, we have raised them all exactly the same, I regard them as the same, and love them the same.

I do understand your issue though - just because you interact with a child through your relationship doesn;t mean you will bond together easily - and I sympethise with your dilema.

Your step-daughter may pick up this vibe from you, which will prevent her from relaxing and being easy around you - as you with her.

Why not arrange some special times at weekends to give her one-on-one attention. At this age, she will adore 'girly time' where you go window-shopping and have a burger for tea, or rent a DVD for just the two of you to watch together.

This kind of inclusion will help to break down the barriers between you - encourage you to get to know her, and her to open up and talk to you.

It won't mend over-night, but being willing, and showing that you are takese a very big step isn the right direction.

[zzxxee]

some people are never satified.. people can say your lovely and mean it hun dont be so defensive
look, im in a simular situation ive never really taken to one of my partners kids, its hard when your used to a certain routine in the week and another person comes in and yes it does feel different,
treat it as her special day spoil her a bit and whenshes gone home to mum you can back to your routine

[bobbybob]

I have been with my partner for 4yrs. He has 2 children that are now almost 5yrs and 7yrs, we also have one of our own on the way. Even though I have been a part of there lives for all this time, I cannot honestly say that I really love them as much as I will our own. Of course I have really deep feelings for them and we have bonded but it will never be the same feeling as having a child that you have created together.

[zzxxee]

i agree bobbybob

[Velvetee]

I was with my ex for 8 years and when I met him, his daughter from a previous relationship was 3. Like you Onlyme, I never bonded with here and always felt indifferent and when she came to stay at weekends, I alsways looked forwards to her going.

The problem was mine, as she was a nice child and didn't cause any problems. I think alot of women find it hard accepting their partners children, particulalrly if the child is a girl, as in a way, it's like irrationally competeing with another woman. His little girl will always hold a special place in his heart and there can be underlying jealousy for the child.

It isn't right and not fair on the child, who is an innocent in the situation, but you can't help your feelings or lack of them for this girl. All you can do, is try to be a bit of a friend to her. She's 11 now and pretty soon will be doing her own thing and will no longer be Daddy's little girl.

[onlyme26]

Thanks guys, some of your opinions really do help,
the whole daddys little girl thing, not too sure about that, she has always been nannys little girl to be honest, when i met my partner and we first moved in together, as he had always had her at his mums as he lived there, she wouldnt settle at ours as nanny wasnt there, this went on for some time.

the problem is mine but not just mine, it seems she resents me for having my daughter, its like when i was a child, when i came along my sister hated me, she picked on me something rotton as a child simply because i was born.
i fear its the same sort of thing.

my partners mum has always had a favouraite in her which has been hard for my daughter to cope with and i guess i feel resentment towards that as well, but i think the fact that she gets treated equal in our house and favourite like at nannys she finds difficult to cope with.
which reflects on the way i feel.

thanks anyway its nice to know im not the only one in the world that feels this way, i really wish i could feel for her as i do my own but i guess the best thing is to just learn to get on with it.

[onlyme26]

thanks andy aswell, you always seem to have a head full of knowledge, you know i do sometimes think if she had lived with us and been brought up in our house i would feel different, but she lives with her mum like the majority of children do.

She is different to my daughter, she has been brought up in a totally different way to the way i bring up my child, my partner wishes things were different but there isnt anything we can do about that, and my partner doesnt like to tell her off either as he only see her 2 days a week, so doesnt wanna spend the time telling her off, but she tells lies and refuses to do things etc, its a tough situation to be in,
you know when your child goes to school as she has a friend that is a bad influence, well thats how i feel about it, sounds silly but i have to face my daughter going to highschool and facing these influences when im not around i dont need it at home aswell.
my partner had a word with her about her lying so hopefully she will grow out of it,
maybe ill take her out on my own see if we cant get some sort of relationship going! thanks guys

[andy-hughes]

Trust me, you may never feel for her as you do your own, but that is still a world away from the distant relationship you have now.

This girl is at a delicate stage of her life - puberty is here, and a lot of fundamental changes in her life and her support systems will have made her feel insecure.

If you provide consistency, and a lot of attention and love - including the 1 : 1 time I suggested, you will find things will improve.

Try and make her feel included with your new baby - ask her to help with simple tasks and make it clear that you value her help. This inclusion will help to soften her feelings of being 'different' and make your relationship closer.

Good luck.

[Beanmistriss]

Hi onlyme. I know exactly how you feel. My mans kids are older than 11 but when I first met them they were 14 and 12. His daughter used to be a right cow, come round and just be mean and swear at him all encouraged by her mother. Even though shes a lot nicer now I have never managed to take to her. Im really suspicious that shes after something when shes nice. I can honestly say that I feel quite indiffirent towards her. And no matter how hard I try I can't make myself feel diffirent about her.

His son lived with us for a few years and even with him I struggle to feel something for. Hes funny sometimes and sometimes I think awww but I don't really FEEL anything for him in the way that I thnik I should be able to. I thought I was the only one!

I thought it would have been diffirent had I met them when they were younger. But maybe not. I feel bad for being so crap with them :o(