Teenage self harm

[phillipa.d]

Hi guys, this should prob be in b&s or family, but I wanted some thoughts on the following...

A friend's 15 year old girl has told her mum she has been self harming (cut wrists with blade from pencil sharpener) since November (although Mum suspects it has not been going on that long, and that child told mum after first time) She is a bright, popular, lovely looking girl, with a very stable, loving, supportive family. Mum has not had good look at marks (child seems quite embarrassed) but from sneaky glimpses they seem many but not deep.

I suppose my question is how seriously should this be taken? Can this just be a bad bout of attention seeking? Mum has taken daughter to doctor's, and he gave Mum a list of some self help books, and told her to book another appointment for 2 weeks time, when referrals could be made if thought necessary.

Child has had some extra tlc, but mum is conscious of not 'rewarding' the behaviour. Mum v shocked - what can i tell her?

Thanks guys. May not be around for much longer to reply tonight, but will check out and appreciate any thoughts.

Hope everyone is keeping well.

xx

[dot.hawkes]

self-harmers with genuine issues don't tell and especially don't tell their parents.

[phillipa.d]

Hmmm. Her and Mum had a couple of rows, and she packed a bag to leave after the last one, and was going to stay with a friend, and text her Mum to say she was staying away and had been 'cutting herself' which obviously floored Mum. Like I say, its hard to know how serious to take it. You think not very, then, Dot?

[dot.hawkes]

I think not very. Self harming is a punishment to the person doing it , the person feels guilty and wrecthed about themselves, this girl sounds like she is mad at her Mum for not letting her get her own way. I donlt believe self-harmers can show emotion the way this girl is displaying anger at her mum. Only my view of course.

[dot.hawkes]

http://www.nshn.co.uk/facts.html

[ianfran]

hi phillipa

i think that the daughter has some problems she need to air out maybe with a specialist doctor or counciller - mum needs to go to and perhaps not initially sit in on these consults to see what is the root cause of her problems - you never mentioned any dad - is there one? where is he? did the daughter have a problem with him? does she miss him? she's looking for attention that she need help and that is what she is crying out for! it may be just pencil sharpeners etc now but what will happen if she does'nt get help SOON - tell the mum to find her help at all costs or the results could be tragic. hope it works out as it should - happy! and good luck - much love ian xx

[phillipa.d]

Thank you for your answer, Dot. Good news you do not think too serious. It is very unusual for this girl to attention seek, as she normally gets plenty of attention without trying (very pretty, sociable girl).

Totally out of character, the last thing you would of expected of her was to mark herself.

This may sound odd, but I wondered if her crisis is the fact that she doesn't have a crisis, if you get me. (She has a friend who's Dad is moving to Saudi, and another who was picked up for shoplifting)

??

[dot.hawkes]

I read that she had 'a very stable and supportive family' and as self harm is not about attention seeking then i took it that the girl is pretending to self harm for attention as she is ignorant of the deep complex personality disorders that self harmers have, and the very very secretive nature of the condition.

[dot.hawkes]

philps that actually does make perfect sense, she is trying perhaps to stand out and be different after years of abject normality.

[daffy654]

If a child is self harming then they need to talk over their feelings and thoughts with a trained counsellor. My eldest daughter self harmed for years and was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder,she still takes anti-depressants and anti-psychotics now aged 21. :(

[ianfran]

phillipa - on reading dots posts - i could be wrong, which i honestly hope i am - but what if i'm not? look a little more in depth into it before deciding what is best. x

[phillipa.d]

Thanks, Ian

Real dad is in contact once or twice a week, and gets on well with Mum despite splitting 5 years ago. Mum remarried two years ago, and everyone seems happy at home. It's so strange.

She witnessed a gang fight in the town a few months ago (when she said cutting started), and she was grabbed by drunk whilst walking home a month ago, who tried to kiss her, but I would have thought she could have shrugged these events off - maybe more affected than we realised.

x

[ianfran]

i agree with daffy - not worth taking a risk it's part of growing up and she will grow out of it - if she's doing that now what will happen if she fels depressed in later life when she HAS@NT got the supportive family. you asked for advice - that's mine x

[phillipa.d]

Thanks, all, I appreciate all your thoughts. I agree Dot that she is prob ignorant of how serious a matter this is. I did wonder if she'd seen an episode of a soap that touched on a similar subject, which gave her a silly idea.

But I am glad Mum took her to Doc's straight away, I suppose it is better for a trained professional to tell her its not serious, rather than decide that yourself, and risk being wrong.

I'm sure it's just the limelight being on someone else for once and her trying to get it back.

:-)

[ianfran]

if she was affected by what happened with the drunk and witnessing the fight, it could be part, if not all, of the problem.
you said it happened a few months ago which ties in with the daughters self harm from november last year.
maybe she feels wrongly dirty and guilty what the drunk tried to do and thank god he only tried to kiss her too.
i hope it pans out well- bye phillipa and keep us aprised xx

[reefgal]

people self harm because they do NOT feel good about themselves. she needs to be referred to a councillor asap.

[pinktwink]

having worked with teenagers with mental health self harm is common among teenage girlas. In a nutshell it is a physical representation for the hurt they feel inside that they are not able to express. Physical pain is easier to deal with then emotional pain which is not always visible. Best your friend keeps communicatrion with daughter even during fights as often self harm escalates during low periods or periods of turmol low self esteem. whilst not rewarding behaviour it can not be ignored . This should not be seen as misbehaviour which is what you ignore this is a child in neeed of attention positive attention to effect their low self worth and encourage them to talk about their feelings as opposed to resorting to self harm.

[arwenant]

self harm should always be taken seriously, it is not an attempt at suicide but an attempt at coping with life when a person feels all other ways and communication has broken down, it doesn't matter what age you are. many self harmers will begin in their teens and if brushed aside, it will continue into adulthood and will ultimately create problems. the young girl needs to talk to someone, there may be something happening for her beneath the surface of her popular and bright persona. i ask you please not to see it as attention seeking in anyway, even if it did start off that way it can quickly develop into something uncontrollable where professional help is required, don't let it continue or be ignored. telling her mother was probably an incredibly difficult thing to do, and should not be viewed in any other way. i speak from experience.

[phillipa.d]

Thanks to all those who posted answers - the information is greatly appreciated, and will be passed on to my friend. Like all teens, she has a lot to go through at the moment, but her and her Mum usually get on very well, so I am sure it will all work itself out. Cheers everyone :-)

xx