giving other half space to think

[Jenarry]

me and bf have been together nearly 5 years and have a 3 yr old son.we have both been v busy doing different things the past year or so.me working,studying,looking after the house and little guy.him working during the week,running a bar we invested in at the weekends and socialising after doing long shifts at the bar.this hasn't made for a happy relationship for a few months-now things have come to a head and my bf has had to make a decision to close the bar losing our investment and at the same time he has told me he doesn't know how he feels about us and has moved out to work it out in his head.(he went last wed) i know he is having a bad time but i really don't know how to play this.i want to take control of the situation and tell him that if he needs space then we shouldn't have any contact for 2 or 3 weeks while he works things out but then i feel bad that our little boy won't see him and i know it'll be hard for me too.(at the moment he calls most days and has been round twice to see me and our boy) he has made 1-2 comments about midlife crisis(he was 40 in december)and feel there maybe some truth in this.i also think he is showing signs of being depressed. what should i do. have never been through anything like this before so i'm finding it very hard.

[LFCFan5]

Poor you & your son, must be hard for you both. I think you should let him have some thinking time. If you want this relationship to work (sounds like you do) then sit him down & ask him why he is feeling like this about you. Do you think he has met someone else?? Ask him to be straight with you, talking to each other will help greatly. If he thinks he is depressed he should go to the docs & have a talk to him/her to clear his head as talking to an outsider can help also. Best of luck hun, hope this works out for you all, takecare xx

[warpig3]

That is sad, it seems that you have both been very busy bettering yourselves and trying to ensure a secure future for your son but in doing so you have not had enough time for each other and the relationship has suffered.

Having invested time, money and hard work in the bar it must be devasting to have to close and this is possibly putting further strain on both of you.

Definitely give him some time (but make it time-bound), however I think he should still see his son, he need only see you when he calls to pick him up after all.

I do hope you get this sorted and that things can be resolved, wishing you all the best.

warpigxx

[Jenarry]

Thankyou both for your kind words of support and advice. I am trying to stay strong but things aren't getting any easier . if i didn't have our son to think about I would be handling this whole thing completely differently. it's all very difficult. :0(

[hanrushton]

i have been through a simalar situation with my partner, i understand how much it must of hurt when he told you he didnt know how he felt about you, my partner did the same.
i was deverstated i gave him about 2 weeks on his own, i took our son to see him every other day and just dropped him off and picked him up.

after about 2 weeks however i began to get quite angry myself, thinking how unfair he was being keeping me hanging on a string, i have worked just as hard as him to make a future for us and always given him my love. so my mum looked after our son for a few hours and i started to prepare for the worst, organising what we should do with our finances ect. i then went to see my partner to talk, i had decided before goin to see him that i was goin to stay calm no matter what was said and look at the situation in a logical way. (I also did my hair, make up and nails, i thought i would make him see what he was missing n it gave me more confidence).

[hanrushton]

he also seemed ready to talk when i arived, i told him how i felt, that i loved him very much and always had but if he did not feel the same then he should tell me now as i was not prepared to be second best, he didnt say much, i also explained that if we were goin to split i wanted it to be as friendly as we could for our sons sake, i explained that i would never stop him from seeing our son n we need to organise access. he then became quite emossional and said he did love me but all of the financial worries were driving him crazy, he did want to be a family but he was very depressed. (although he would never admitt it he may of also been having a mid life as he was 38 at the time). every thing he had kept to himself began to flow out of him.(i think the fact that i was obviously prepared for the worst shoked him a little as well) i also had to do some appologizing as i had done things to fuel his fire that he hadnt told me about at the time.
we decided that from then on we were going to talk at least 1 a week to each other about our feelings, what has anoyed us, what makes us happy ect. also to appreciate each other more, the little things like saying thank you for washing my shirt or for making tea.
it also made us realize that family time and our relationship comes before making money as our relationship working benefits our son and us more than making money.
he did not move back in for another week, i wanted that process to be slow as it had hurt me more than anything when he had told me he didnt know whether he loved me or not and i had my gard up as a result. he came round for tea and stayed over 2 nights.
i also, with his consent, booked him an apointment at the docs so he could talk to them about how he was feeling
we are now stronger than ever as a result.
i hope explaining my experiance has helped you, good luck. x x x x x

[Jenarry]

thankyou hanrushton. it does help to hear other people's experiences . my bf has been saying he doesn't know how he feels about me and he has so much on his plate with owing people money from the bar and winding it all down that he can't sort anything out in his head. now a week later i've figured out there is someone else that my bf has feelings for. (although he says nothing has happened with them) i'm devastated . i think we could have a chance but if he's falling for someone else i really don't know and don't know how to play it . :o(