Bad Husband

[wonky]

I feel so ashamed to write this!! BUT when my husband and i were dating he lied to me a number of occasions about different things he apologised each time from the bottom of his heart and each time promised never to do it again (please dont all tell me i saw it coming!!) he had not lied to me for a yr or so we got married and i have just found out he has been taking money out of our account.

 

We are currently saving for a house, i deal with all the money and give us each spenmding money weekly, i have given up my spending for a few moths and even given my bday money and xmas money into the house, i told him i knew he had taken the money he denied it at first then confessed he is again apologetic and promises not to do it again, i really really dont know what to do!?!!?

 

A lie to me is such a BIG thing and my husband knows this and still continues to hurt me in this way!!

 

What would you all do?!?! (im so embarrassed!!)

x x

[lisa76]

get counciling together.   if that doesnt work cut off his access to your banking account.  he should understand why you dont trust him.  what did he use the money for?

[iwantthatone]

Not being married, or anywhere close, I can't really understand what it's like.  I believe some people can change, but I think generally that someone who will lie once or twice, are fully capable of doing it again.  If he knows how much it hurts you, and he's still prepared to do it, then I guess he doesn't think about you and your feelings enough.  If when he apologises and makes all these promises you give in and forgive him relatively easily (i doubt if you are!) , he'll have in his mind that he can get away with it.  When he's actually doing it, he's probably hoping you won't find out, but if you do, he thinks with enough grovelling etc, it'll be OK. 

 

I don't know what you should do to be honest, it's down to whether you see this happening again and again, and if you do, whether you'll be able to deal with it.  If you can't, think about what you are prepared to put yourself through, and whether you being hurt each time is worth it.

[el duerino]

why embarassed? the guy has taken advantage -explain this is not acceptable. If it happens again - kick him out for 2 weeks. sometimes you have to speak to people in their language,

[snook]

Tell him how important you feel it is to be truthful with each other.  Make sure he realises it's a Big Thing for you.  Tell him if he cares for you he'll go along with your plan (to save together) and won't shirk or cheat.  If he can't keep to the agreement, he's showing the limits of how much he really cares.  Love isn't what you say - it's what you do.  Anyone can say "I love you", but often the ones that say it most are the ones that show it least.

See if he'll agree to write down, with you, your plan, how to achieve it, etc., step by step.  That'll focus the mind (for both of you).  Much easier to stick to a written plan, rather than some vague spoken agreement. Good luck!

And keep smilin'!  Nothing worse than a miserable woman naggin' on about something (and that's how it will come across if you're not careful).

[zgma]

Oh Wonky, how sad!  Don't be embarrassed - instead you should feel proud that you are trusting and believed the best of him, rather than not giving him another chance.

 

I really agree with the suggestion of counseling, as a couple.  I also think that if he is willing, he should have individual counseling - even if it means not saving for the house while he and you are doing the counseling.  It sounds to me like he is basically a good person (I mean, you trust him and love him for a reason, right?), with a behavioural issue that he has not dealt with in the slightest.  He has something that is making him lie, and it is a behaviour that can be stopped if he is willing to try, and to get to the bottom of why he is compelled to do it.

 

If he's not willing to do counseling of any sort, then I think you and he should talk about the fact that lying is unacceptable in a relationship (and it IS a HUGE issue, it really is)... and see how committed he is to the relationship.  Is he committed enough to try to fix the problem, or not? 

 

I also wonder about the money processes you guys have... do you deal with the money because of his previous lies?  Is that a decision you made together?  I am only asking because I wonder if he doesn't resent the control, and that's part of his reason for taking the money (and this is not to put blame on you at all for his doing that!!!  Just to say that that reaction on his part would make psychological sense, even though it's a destructive reaction).

[Bangkok]

Don't be embarrassed.  Clearly you have been let down, and that is not right.  To address this, you probably need to understand why it happened. How much are you both sacrificing to save (e.g. attendence at sporting events, new clothes, nights out) and did your husband agree wholeheartedly?  Does the house purchase have the same priority for both of you, or does he object to the sacrifices more than you do?  What did he spend the money on? 

If you can, seperate the issue of spending money and the lie. How would you feel if he had taken the money and then told the truth straight away?  What would your reaction been if he had asked in advance?  Make it clear (again) that lying is never allowed, and maybe also reconsider the savings approach if it is causing deep issues.  Most of all, let him know how disappointed you are with his behaviour.  It is very hard to look someone you love in the eye and not feel guilt if you have done something wrong and have let them down.

[apricot2]

I was married to liar many years ago.  He was also a thief. Do not delude yourself.  Things will not change. It was only when I decided to leave that I began to realise he had stolen from the business we both ran to the point of it almost collapsing and he had failed to pay the mortgage for 6 months.  How can you love someone you don't respect?

[FP]

I think that Zgma is spot on with the last paragraph of her answer. Does he feel that you have full control of him and his spending and needs to regain some control for his self esteem?   Did you take on all the financial responsibility because of his previous lies about money?

 

My husband was the world's worse at controlling finances when he was younger, and yes, he lied to me on occasions when he had spent money because he felt guilty about spending it and knew I would be angry.  I was more angry about the lies!!!  I took over all our finances to give me peace of mind.  I didn't consider how humiliated he felt by this on occasions.  He said he felt like a child being dolled out with pocket money!

Fortunately, things are OK now, and we understand each other better.  He has as much access and control over our money as me and we have no real problems. 

 

If it is just money he lies about then think hard on why this is.  If he lies about lots of other things. then this is a whole different issue.

 

And you have no reason to feel embarrased.

 

 

 

[undercovers]

my partner is an accountant - she also gets to the end of her tether regarding my control of all things financial. I have had to strongly resist her insistence on controlling my bank account, as we too are saving for a house, unfortunately if she was to dole out my spending money and dictated what I could and couldn't buy (e.g. please dear may i have 100 pounds for a xmas present i want to buy you) i'd feel belittled and resentful and would undoubtedly start liberating money from out joint account. My compromise (that works fine) is to have loads of bank accounts with loads of standing orders, our wages go into our seperate accounts and standing orders then fill up a household bills account and a saving account (which we both need to sign to have access to!) this then leaves me with what i have left to be rubbish with and waste on anything i see fit (radio controlled car last week!!!!)

[wonky]

Hey thank you all for your great answers i didnt even think about counciling!!

i look after the money because he doesnt have a clue about things like that and cant manage money (just like his dad!!) i have tried to keep him invloved and explain things to him but hes not bothered!! since this has happened he has given me his cards i dont want to take them from him because i want him to still feel like he has some controll but he said he doesnt want me to worry he will take more money!!

It is his idea to save and move i am content where we are but he hates it and cant wait to move!!

if he had told me i would have not been happy but i would have respected him for telling me, i have told him this and also told him this before when i lied about different things in the past!!

 

What he spent it on makes it even more confusing!! he spent it on food to take to work, the thing is i do a big shop once a week we always have food in the cupboards i ask him if he fancies anything this week or whatever i also make his lunch most of the time ( i have two jobs and run the house so dont always have time!!) but if i dont make it he will make it!!!

 

I think he would go to counciling, how do i go about getting some help in that direction!

 

If we werent married then i would have ended our relationship because there have been lies in the past but i made my vows to last for life and im finding it hard already!!!

 

thanks again any other opinions or ideas will be great!!

x x

[wonky]

i have told him this and also told him this before when i lied about different things in the past!!

 

I MEAN WHEN HE LIED ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS IN THE PAST!!!

[undercovers]

i think that the first thing you should do is get to Relate, they will be able to help the two of you communicate - they should help your husband understand your needs and help you face some of your problems regarding control and trust. In my honest opinion this really isn't about your husband buying sandwiches, you obviously appear to not be happy in your relationship (as you are considering splitting over this) and I think counciling will help you express your real feeling towards your problems without the need to focus such intense emotion over smaller matters... I hope this all works out for you  - kind regards undercovers

[cudgie]

There's nothing for you to be embarrassed about.  If I were you, I 'd keep hold of all the credit cards, and next time, keep your xmas/birthday money for yourself, in fact, I'd book myself a nice weekend away with my sister or best friend and really treat myself, and make him realise he's upset you and that he can't behave this way. I'd also talk to him and find out what he's been doing with the money and why.