Dealing with a 3 year old's temper

[Tups]

My usually loving, gentle, caring and extremely bright 3 year old grandaughter is giving her mum Hell by having sudden, unexplained fits of either tantrum-like sessions or extreme, for want of a better word, peevishness, when she swears dreadfully at her mum and, more recently, at her little friends, calling them f***ing ugly, bl**dy idiots and other shocking things, NOT learnt from her immediate family. She also hits her mum across the face when she tries to restrain her. She also deliberately knocks things over and plays with the plug sockets, fighting to get back to them when her mum pulls her away. My daughter is distraught as nothing has worked to improve the situation. She has taken the health visitor's advice and used the 'naughty step' appropriately, to no avail.

We can only assume she hears the language when she is with her father, with whom she has supervised access for 2 hours a week. She enjoys seeing her daddy, even though he is not the sort of person we would like her to be with; he's an extreme alcoholic and inveterate liar. Stopping access would probably result in a court case and there would be the danger of his obtaining more access than he has at present because he and his family are extremely good at creating a good impression when it counts.

I am devastated that my gorgeous little grandaughter has developed this dreadful trait and any advice I can pass on to my daughter would be much appreciated.

[billybunny]

Hi. Sorry to hear that your daughter is having problems.

I would ask who is supervising the father's contact with the child as it may be that this is not being supervised closely enough and your daughter may need to rethink if there is someone else who could supervise.

I would say the temper tantrums are pretty normal for a 3 year old and also the hitting (unfortunately) is not uncommon in a child of that age. Obviously the swearing is not normal or acceptable and if you believe this is coming from her father then, again, your daughter may need to rethink the contact situation. Your daughter can take legal advice if she thinks the contact is not in her daughter's best interest.

[Tups]

Thanks billybunny. My daughter's ex is being supervised by his parents, at their home. Unfortunately, I think their language is always 'ripe' although they swear (!) they don't use foul words in front of their grandaughter! Short of placing a hidden microphone on the 3 year old, there's no way of proving it!

[momcj]

It is a little difficult when the supervised access is with his family. there are child contact centres around that are supervised and they would not allow swearing etc (my daughter sees her father at one) I understand it is horrid going though court (i am) but i would say in your circs they would agree to supervised access at one of these contact centres, and if he father is an alcholic (not a recovering alcholic) i think you would have grounds for the access to only be this. My daughters father is a recovering alcholic (no longer drinks) and he has weekly 2 hours access at contact centre.

[andy-hughes]

It sounds as though this child is confused with her situation, and is reacting to it in the only way she knows how.

At this age, she can be reasoned with. While she is good, her mum should praise her, epmphasising how nice it is when they are nice to each other, and how happy it makes her. Then, when the child is naughty, she must say that she is unhappy, and doesn't want to be with her child lkike this, and then absent herself until the tantrum subsides. Tantrums are attention-seeking - remove the attention, and they often stop quite quickly. So apart from stopping the child harming herself, she should be ignored as far as pssible, and see if this tack works.

Have a word with her nursery / school teacher and get them on side with the circumstances so they can encourage good behaviour.