Is it possible to love somebody 'because' they made you so unhappy?

[Englishbird]

I know that sounds strange and i'll try and quantify it. I think what i'm talking about is that depth of emotion reached only by great joy or great sorrow. Is it the same thing? or are the feelings just very similar. If someone truly breaks your heart, are you linked to them in some way forever?

[woofgang]

Ooooh boy no.

 

 If you are made unhappy by something happening to someone that you care about and you go through it together, like dealing with a serious illness, then I am sure that that has the potential to strengthen the bond between you.

 

If someone makes you so unhappy by their actions or behaviour, then I think that it would be a very dangerous and self destructive thing to consider yourself linked to them

[Cheesefreek]

Also, it's not loving someone who makes you unhappy.  What's there to love?  It's an obsession - been there myself.  Fortunately, distance and time cure this.  I can now look back and laugh at my obsession and yearning for this user.  Thought I loved him.  Found out - when I loved someone worth loving - that I didn't.  I don't underestimate my feelings at the time - they were overwhelming.  I don't feel linked to him.  I feel sorry for the person he left me for.  Sweet freedom!!

[Morrisonker]

I don't think it's enough just to have been in love, i think that you'd have to have been married or had a child together, something special that bonds the two of you, and no one else can get in on it.

 

I agree with Cheesefreak and Woofgang though, it's very dangerous to stay with someone who has that kind of hold over you.  It's destructive for both of you and in the future when you have other relationships, it'll be difficult for your partner if your ex still has power over you.  If he is truely making you miserable, get out of there and in the nicest way, get over it.  Staying with him could lead to all kinds of problems.

[Englishbird]

Thank you very much for your replies.  I'm no longer in this relationship but still have very strong feelings for him which i think i've misinterpreted as still being in love with him.  I think cheesefreek has hit the nail on the head in that i will not be able to correctly identify it until i fall in love with someone that's worth loving - now if someone could just let me know where i find him, i'll be sorted :)  thanks again.  Any more thoughts greatly welcome.

[Miss Zippy]

I think all meaningful adult relationships we have leave an impression on us to some extent.  Perhaps you�re confusing the feelings you have for love because you experienced such extreme highs and lows with your ex. Perhaps the way he acted towards you was a form of emotional abuse and because he had the ability to make you so unhappy and make you feel so bad about yourself, he also had the ability to lift you out of that and make you feel almost euphoric in comparison. It may well be that feeling of euphoria when he made you feel good (albeit he was probably being very calculated about it) that you are confusing with love. Also I think if you are the one that has been left, there can be that feeling of unfinished business that lingers in your mind for some time to come which can make it more difficult to let go and move on. As Cheesefreak said, when you meet the person who deserves your love, you�ll realise that what you�re experiencing at the moment isn�t love at all.  Good luck finding him!   

[Englishbird]

Miss Zippy - are you psychic or do i know you!!! :) The split was mutual but it was an extreem relationship exactly as you describe, and 8 years worth at that. maybe i'm just exhausted :)

[dirtyharriet]

It's that rollercoaster of emotions that is almost addictive, when it's good it's very very good but when it's bad it's hell.
If someone made you so unhappy then it most likely wasn't love you were feeling.
Been there more times than I care to mention. It's not healthy.

To answer your question, no I don't believe if someone breaks your heart you are linked to them forever. I have fancied myself in love with quite a few "unsuitable" men who abused me both mentally and physically, felt the same depths of joy and heartbreak you appear to be feeling now.
For myself I went to a good counsellor and read a few good books like "Women who love too much" which helped me to see how I attract "Mr Nasty" instead of Mr Nice, and how this cycle began.
Hopefully this is just one bad apple and with time you will start to feel better.

[KittyGlitter]

I think the more you love someone, the more vulnerable you are towards them. I don't believe you love someone as a result of them making you unhappy but I believe love does cause unhappiness when things go wrong. Like you said, it's all about strong emotions. If someone breaks your heart, I don't necessarily think you're linked to them forever. Perhaps it feels like that at the time but as more time passes, the link can break. Love doesn't have to = suffering.

[Miss Zippy]

Hi Englishbird. I�m not psychic unfortunately, just an educated guess at why you have the feelings you do after being treated badly.  After 8 years together, it�s no wonder you still have feelings for him though and I know from experience that it can be difficult adjusting to single life when you�ve been in a long relationship and this itself can make you think the �grass is greener� and make you want to get back with that person even though you know it�s not the right thing. Things will get better though, even though at the moment you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Englishbird]

Obviously the question is based in how i feel at the moment - but i was also interested in thoughts from a philosophical level.  Why do women stay in relationships when they're treated badly (or men to be fair) - is it confusing love with other emotions, or at least confusing an extreem emotion as love.  The " I know he's a ******* but I love him" senario. It makes no real sense.

[dirtyharriet]

Ah but they aren't like that when you meet them. They seem to be the answer to your dreams and treat you as though you were the most important person in the world. Typically they declare undying love very soon and try to sweep you off your feet. In my own experience you don't see the warning signs simply because you don't want to see anything that tells you that this person is anything other than wonderful. Gradually they gain control over you so subtly that you don't realise.
In my case I knew I was unhappy but I believed that it was my fault the relationship seemed to be going wrong, as he told me it was. I was so low in confidence that I automatically believed he was right. That's probably why he chose me, someone very easy to manipulate and abuse.
I left when the abuse became even too much for me to hide from anymore. I was lucky, i got out, but I repeated the pattern again and again because controlling abusive men were all I was used to and subconsciously drawn to. They say communication is 80% body language and I must have been virtually shouting out "Victim, come and abuse me"

[Elfin]

This is a tricky one. I would cautiously say that yes, there may always be some sort of bond because of the depth of emotions experienced, the length of the relationship and the stage in life in which you were together - and the fact that they may well be the only person alive who truly knows the real you, thus far.  The split then leaves you feeling adrift and more alone than perhaps you ought.  This longing for the connection and the illusion that you are still in love can be amplified if his bad behaviour was influenced by an outside factor, or alcohol/drugs - you may feel that the "real" him is still your perfect partner.

Time for a bit of logic over emotion. You would not have split if things were right - you probably tried for some time to rectify things and exhausted yourself in the process, but it didn't work did it? He obviously ticked many of your boxes but not enough, as it turns out.  And some boxes are more important than others, as you have found. As the others have said, a new love will make you see things differently. You may fall for someone completely different yet you may still miss some aspects of your former partner.  But that's still OK - you don't have to erase him completely from your memory!  Just accept that it is over and could never be the same. A new man will take you down a different road, will love and know you as you are now and you will begin to look forward again, not back.

[kjw]

I think I totally understand where you are coming from.  My ex was a complete w***ker to me at times but I loved him so much I couldn't leave.  I finally did leave and now I miss the times we argued, miss the stress he caused me.  It's a funny thing, love. 

But I did get out of the worst relationship I've ever had and now I'm happy as Larry with my new chap!