Time for grief.

[kitten_uk2]

Hi, ive just lost my dad after he fought MND for nearly 2 years.
later today we are due to see him in the chapel of rest. i dont know wether i should or not. will this be the last time i see my dad?
im so confused at the moment, this has happened in the middle of such a busy week.
im suposed to be attending a wedding on saturday, one of my work colleges. im the only person whos been invited for all of it, because we are close. i dont know wether to go for just some of it,, and if i do, will i be expected to attend work the following day because ive proved im ok. hope you understand my questions,, im just a tad confused about the process,,, i have texd my manager and work friends about his death, but have not spoke to anyone,, i dont know if im ready to talk. xx

[ummmm]

Sorry for your sad news xx

Unfortunately it's generally the case that it will be the last chance you get to see your Dad. I don't know what 'MND' is....

My Dad died of cancer and when we went to see him in at the chapel of rest he looked better than he had for a few years.

As for the wedding....see how you feel on Saturday. I'm sure your friend will understand. So should your manager. It could be a welcomed distraction or you migt not feel up to it.

Good luck...and again, I'm very sorry xx

[jackthehat]

My sincerest condolences to you.

I couldn't and wouldn't advise you what to do with regards visiting the chapel of rest.
Some people I have spoken to are glad that they did, and some aren't; some wished that they had and others are glad that they didn't.........

However, I would suggest that you attended the wedding. You dad wouldn't have wanted you to so easily dismiss the opportunity of having a little 'fun' at this desperately sad time. Your good friend will be grateful you attended and understanding if you are a little 'wobbly' at times. Hopefully, your employers will be aware that having a 'good day' does not mean that you have got over your dad's death.

I whole-heartedly wish you the very best for the difficult time ahead. :o)

[kitten_uk2]

MND is motor neurone disease, ummmm.
i dont even know if im allowed to be off at work and how it will effect everything (paid-unpaid) no one writes a book about all this, and feelings etc

[jno]

time off work is called 'compassionate leave' if you want to ask anyone about it.

[chokkie]

Kitten - you should be entitled to some compassionate leave from your work - even for just a few days. If you don't feel you can go to the wedding, then I am sure your friend will understand.

[beejaybee]

My husband & I were with my mum when she died 3 years ago in hospital. He kissed her & said goodbye, but I did nt. Nor did I visit her at the chapel of rest. There will be family & friends who`ll tell you that you should do this or that, but do what YOU feel is right for you.

[Greedyfly]

First of all I am very sorry for your loss. It is most definately a personal choice whether you want to to see your father that way or not, it can be really hard.

As for the wedding if you are not feeling up to it I am sure your friend will understand but it might be nice to be surrounded by something happy? When my father died the way I dealt with it was to get back in my routine straight away - took my mind off the things I didn't really want to think about. As the others have said regarding work you are entitled to some time off and if it becomes and issue in any way - visit the doctor and explain the situation, they will sign you off for a short time.

I hope you feel ready to talk to a friend soon, it will help even if only a little.

[ummmm]

I stayed with my Dad when he was in the hospice. Slept by his bed every night......I left him for 20 minutes to get a change of clothes, and he died.

It broke my heart....the nurses kept telling me that's what he wanted. For two years I've struggled with it. Did he wait for me to leave....or did he just die while I wasn't with him.....
It haunts me still....

[cazzz1975]

I have read several articles about that ummm, some people know they are slipping away and wait for a specific time to die.

[ummmm]

I know Cazzzzzzz.....It just doesn't stop it hurting.

He died when I was gone...they phoned my sister. Her reaction....is Karen with him....NO....OMG OMG OMG.....I got back to the hospice before she had a chance to tell me...(she didn't stay with him)

Kitten.......sorry....xxxxx

[rowanwitch]

I lost count of the number of patients who seemed to wait until their loved ones were away from the bedside before finally letting go, its as if they want to spare them the final moments, a last loving act on their part... I think I would consider going to the wedding itself but just sit quietly at the back in-case it got too much and felt I needed to slip away.... if you work for a large organisation they will probably have a leave policy that includes special and compassionate leave. The wedding shouldn't be a problem with this as you would not be on sick leave. Seeing the deceased at a chapel of rest is a personal thing but I have often used it as an excuse to slip something personal into the coffin, we put a miniature of my friends dads favourite scotch in with him, and a favourite small china ornament in with my ex husband's grandmother for example sounds a bit odd but it made us feel better.

[LoftyLottie]

I was with my dad at the time of his death and spent a couple of hours sitting with him and talking to him after he died. Because I was so upset I couldn't bring bear the fact that I would never see him again and so went to see him at the Chapel of Rest. I wish I hadn't. It just wasn't my Dad that I saw. Nothing about him was my Dad. And I was very upset.

I was with my Mum last year when she died and again spent a couple of hours with her after her death. I didn't want to see her after that due to the experience I had had before.


So sorry for your loss, Take Care

LL xx

[LoftyLottie]

What I am trying to say is that I found it comforting to see my parents and be with them in the period just after their death. They looked like themselves, but were at peace. The experience at the Chapel of Rest was not comforting at all. My dad had gone from his body and his body just wasn't my dad. If that makes any sense?

[Panic Button]

When my father died, myself and all my family chose not to see his body.

In my opinion it is far better to remember him in life, than in death.

My fear was that my overriding memory would be of that final view.
Instead I remember good times with him.

[chas2008]

i never saw my mother when i lost her and regretted it ,so when i lost my dad i made a point of going, i went with my daughter and i was so glad i did.

I asked around and got so many differing opinions as to wether to go or not i decided i had to make my own mind up...and go i did.

[Ankou]

for me when my dad died quite suddenly, i made a conscious choice to see him for the last time in the chapel of rest.

personally i am glad i did it, i felt it gave closure as although it was saddening and in part a shock to see him in that situation, it felt comforting to know that 'he' (the soul of my dad if you like) had escaped this shell of a body that had given him so much pain in his last few days.

i don't have religious or afterlife beliefs of any sort, but i felt content that the body lying their was no longer my dad. if that makes any sense at all. i suppose it was just comforting saying goodbye for the last time.

[Ankou]

just to add, that although i do remember seeing him in that state, i stil have the same memories, thoughts and feelings as panic button, above.

[Old_Geezer]

I think a lot of it depends on how you feel, and to a smaller extent, others too.

When my father died I took a week off, but there again my parents were the other side of the country and I felt I needed to help my mother get through all the official stuff that needed doing. I recall when I returned my boss said that some have commented on me taking that long, but I retorted that if they wanted to say anything they could come speak to me and I'd tell them what I thought. No one did. Point is you only ever have 2 parents, so if on 2 occasions in your life you take time away to do what needs to be done, then that is your decision. The rest of the world, including your employer, can go hang. Obviously don't take the Mickey though. None of us have any preparation for this sort of thing, we have to play it by ear when it happens.

As for the wedding, see how you feel. On the one hand it is good to carry on the normal things of life; gives a break from thinking about the recent tragedy since you are out concentrating on the occasion, and keeping a stiff upper lip. and of course having the support of friends around you while you are there. But don't feel you have to go, or if you do, don't feel you have to stay for more than is polite if you'd rather leave. I'm sure the wedding couple will understand.

[paddywak]

Both my parents died at the age of 76, though 5yrs apart, and both went very suddenly from heart attacks I literally dropped Mum of at the hair dressers, she walked in,took her coat off and collapsed this was on the 23rd of December so you can imagine the Christmas we had, but we carried on for all the kids sake even though it was heartbraking when they asked were granny was, so yes go to your friends wedding you don't have to stay long, but you are obviously very close and at times like this a good friend can sometimes be more comfort then family. As to the chapel of rest thats a personal decision, my nephew who was 14 at the time and very close to mum even refused to go to the funeral, let alone the chapel of rest I went to see both Mum and Dad and I'm glad I did, In the mean time please accept my condolences in what is always a trying time