dilemma

[sunnydaze8]

before you have a go at me, i know i have done wrong.im in a real dilemma. before we moved areas, i had a friend who i told something to. another friend knew but i told her not to say anthing. the first friend thought she was the only one who knew and said she wouldnt say anything and i believe her. she has now text to say she cant believe i lied saying that she was the only one that knew and can i explain. at the time i was going through hell with my husband. now im not in the area these two friends pal around more together. i knew it would come out in the end. she hates liars, believe it or not so do. i see it that i was being protective. she also advised me not to tell the other friend as she knows she opens her mouth, so i then felt i couldnt say i had already told her. i really dont want to lose my friendship with her. someone has broken my confidence, can you say i have too? i feel so sick, what can i do? im thinking of ringing her but i know she will be furious. if i do lose her friendship then she may blabber to everyone then. im scared. it would mean our whole life there and friends we made there would be over for good as i didnt come clean with them before we left.

[redcrx]

ok so start all over, dont meet up with friends and just move on.

you are making this out to be more than it really should be.

a who told the husbands? presumably both your friends?

[sunnydaze8]

so how do i start off the conversation? do i apologise? have i got anything to be sorry for? do i ask whats been said and sound worried? do i ask her what shes said and put it on her? do i ask who has betrayed my confidence then? its the lying thing that will seal it im sure.

[sunnydaze8]

the friend who was cooking tea or her hubby could have mentioned it casually, made a comment to friends hubby, i dont know. i dont want to sound concerned it will all get out when i ask her whats gone on. she may feel like telling everyone as i have lied to her and she has kept quiet for me.

[redcrx]

just dont mention it. if you need to call her about something else then do so, but dont call to drag this up.

[sunnydaze8]

as my friend says, dogs bark, let them. i have been trying to control for want of a better word, this situation from a distance for months now and i knew it would come out. i surely cant be accusatory here.

[sunnydaze8]

it is such a big thing to me though im afraid to say, you cannot imagine what she/they were told not to say, its just awful.

[sunnydaze8]

i need to call her. he text is saying she cant believe i lied saying she was the only one that knew, can i tell her why?

[sunnydaze8]

i was going to say that by the time she had warned me not to say anything to the other one, i already had and so felt a fool and just didnt tell her, what do you think?

[Mamyalynne]

Well it seems like none of the wise and wonderful advice from the lovely people on here is sufficient and believe we have helped people in the pit of despond.

Sorry Sunny, looks like you have foxed us.

M♥

[merciasounds]

I stick by what I said previously, and don't you apologise for having your confidence broken! Don't your friends understand the word 'secret'? I'm sure this is mountains out of mole-hills - and I'm sure your friend has told her share of fibs in the past, so get over it!! Unless you've killed somebody and buried them under the patio, what 'trouble' are you likely to be in? Loosing a so-called friend? Pfft.

[sunnydaze8]

well, this is what happened if you want an update. my friend was ok, just said she was disappointed in me. apparently the other so called friend had asked if she knew exactly what hd gone on. my friend pretended not to know until it became obvious that they both realised each of them knew without them knowing it. so this so called friend has broken my confidence and with other people it seems who were our friends there. it seems that ties will have to be broken as word will get round. wonder if it will reach our friends by saturday who we are supposed to be meeting. i just think this so called friend is jealous and was trying to break up me and my friend. i need to call her. im sure she doesnt want to remain friends anyway, its a good way to tell a friend its over isnt it. i think she used me while i was there and now shes happy and doesnt want any connection with me. she did say she felt disappointed that i hadnt told her id told anyone else and saw it that it was my way to stop people talking. i know if we fall out she will talk even more so i dont think i can win can i.

[boxtops]

There is a point here in that you say you think the husbands knew - the friends didn't keep the secret themselves very well, then, if they told their menfolk (who, sorry men, do also talk sometimes). Why are you so worried about these so-called friends' approval? It might a bit uncomfortable but if I were you I would meet these other friends and say nothing at all - if they seem to know about the secret, say "well it's wasn't supposed to be common knowledge, other people have broken my confidences too" and draw a line under it. I think your friend 1 is trying to make you feel bad, when she's annoyed that you thougth enough of someone else to confide in them too. You have nothing to feel bad about - your secrets are yours to share with who you choose. If she's got nothing better to go than make a big hoo-ha about something which is really your business and nobody else's, then you are better off without that sort of friend. Of course we don't know the nature of the secret and that's not for us to know, so what it's about might put a different context on it - but I still maintain that it's your business, not hers.

[stonekicker]

i think it all sounds like a load of rubbish and is blown out of all proportion. if you don't want any contacts from your past - don't speak to anyone! sounds like your life would be much quieter. personally, i wouldn't give a hoot what someone thought of me. they both sound like they are three years old and stuck in a playground...and you are worrying yourself sick over something you can just opt out of...x

[sunnydaze8]

yes but if i did that i will be opting out of lovely friends we left behind. its not good, weve deceived friends really by not being up front with them and telling them a different story to protect ourselves i suppose. i chatted to hubby tonight, he just knew friend 2 would blab,shes the type. dont know even to phone her or not now. he did say that we are the two most important people here which i know is right. once certain people know it will escalate. im fed up of trying to keep confidences in people, as my friend says, dogs bark, let them, in this case she was a bitch. i know i tried to play one off against the other, im to blame aswell as my hubby for what he did, i just didnt want our laundry washing in public and ive obviously misjudged someones friendship and now i know a secret is something you tell no one, otherwise its not a secret . i may call friend 2 tomorrow who claims she is annoyed with me for not telling her ive told friend one, but i did tell her down the line she knew some of it. i dont want to get on the wrong side of her in case she sees it as revenge as ive peed her off so she goes blabbing even more. maybe she is just curious to find out who else i have told.

[Mamyalynne]

Let us imagine that this "terrible" secret gets out and the lovely friends discover that you covered it up. If they are true then they will understand why you did it and if they don't they either live a charmed life and have been very lucky or they are juvenile and don't deserve your friendship. Your husband is right, you two together must move on and make your lives together rather than walking on eggshells.

Good luck and try to move on from this.

Mamya

[sunnydaze8]

final update if you still following this! it seems that friend 2 was inquisitive about friend 1 knowing something because she asked her. friend 1 disappointed in me but still wants to keep as good friends. think friend 2 expected her to gang up on me to sort things out which didnt happen. apparently friend 2 wasnt pleased that friend 1 spoke to me about it. think friend 2 now seen as breaking my confidence and also think curiosity killed the cat. i still think she was jealous of our friendship and hoped to defame me for a better word. i spoke to friend 2, didnt want to know, a line put under it, wont be the same again with her. even though i shared my secret with more than one person she has still broken her silence. she said sometimes women need to talk, mmm, but do real friends? it is something which i now hope fades into the distance as it has raked up so much hurt.