A real Problem

[creamegg]

I have a 9yr old girl who won't sleep in bed on her own at night, she won't sleep in her room and panics and cries even at the thought of it.

I know its my fault, I should have been tougher when she was little but I didnt, I suffered from terrible post natal and didnt even know who I was let alone her. I sleep beside her every night and try and suggest ways in which we can move forward but nothing is working.

I have suggested redecorating her room, staying until she falls asleep and then going, leaving lights on, having gerbil in her room with her.

When I was little I was the same, and my mum used to sit with me, she would tell me she would stay with me but I would wake up and she'd be gone. I dont want to lie to my daughter as I know how I felt.

It is also putting a strain on my marriage, my husband and I havent slept in the same bed for 9yrs now and get no time together whatsoever as we have no family around here. He says I never talk to him and he feels shut out. And I just feel stuck in the middle.

My daughter is an only child too, which I dont think helps. Any suggestions, ideas?

[Mamyalynne]

This is so entrenched it is not going to be easy, but you must do this for the sake of your family. You may have to resort to the tactics used for younger children, a star chart and if enough stars are earned a treat at the weekend etc.
A simple bedtime routine with early warnings that it is due to begin, at 9 she will be able to bathe etc relatively well on her own, but by all means chat along with her as she does. Then maybe read or chat about something together, then tell her it is time to sleep and you will pop in later to see she is okay.
If she staarts to wail, then ignore, she is 9 not a baby, if she comes out of her room lead her back and cover her up without speaking, you have reassured her once already, this will be repetitve in the beginning but you must stand your ground. If it is term time, then you may need to inform them that she may be tired due to this new regime.
Good luck and be strong, to save your marriage.

M

[Buenchico]

Time for a sleepover perhaps?

Let your daughter invite a few friends around for a party, with an invitation for everyone to stay the night. (You'll need to ask the guests to bring sleeping bags,duvets, etc. You'll also need to buy or borrow some inflatable beds. You can get them really cheaply in some supermarkets). Do your best to tire everyone out (including, no doubt, yourself!) then let them all bed down together for the night in your daughter's room. (The fact that they'll all be squeezed together in a tight space is a bonus, not a handicap - kids love it! Don't expect anyone to fall asleep much before midnight. That's part of the fun of a sleepover!).

Don't expect an instant change. You might have to wait a few weeks before extending another invitation to a further night of madness. But eventually your daughter will work out for herself that she can get to sleep without Mum being present.

Chris

[Mamyalynne]

Chris what a fab answer, my only true experience has been with little ones, both my own and Grandchildren, nine years is a long time to build up a habit and creamegg has been honest enough to admit she has let the problem grow.

[creamegg]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. Im sat here in floods of tears not knowing which way to turn! I feel ridiculous, because yes I know its my own fault.

I feel really guilty now for making her cry and sob the way she did tonight, as after all, its not her fault I have brought her up the wrong way. She is scared of the whole house really, not just her room, she has a thing about ghosts and the kitchen. I have always been interested in the spiritual side of things but had no idea that it was affecting her to this extent.
Thanks again.

[jno]

actually, if her phobias are that widespread, it might just be worth seeking a spot of counselling for her. Don't waste time blaming yourself, what's done is done, but if she's afraid to be out of your sight it's going to make growing up rather stressful.

How is she when on holiday (if you take holidays)? Can she cope with hotel rooms, or relatives' houses? Chris's suggestion seems very promising.

[Mamyalynne]

Please do not beat yourself up, parenting is no easy job. Buy her a dreamcatcher and tell her lovely tales, is she okay in the day? How is she at school? It will resolve but you need to be on the case fulltime with reassurance and that does not mean sleeping in her room. am not being harsh only realistic. It will be okay darling.

[creamegg]

when we take holidays we stay with family and are all put up in the same rooms, all be it different beds.

She is fine at school, she goes and gets on with her work and also goes to brownies etc.
Has a few moans like any child I presume but on the whole she is fine.

[Mamyalynne]

Then get on the case taking some of the advice given, you will get there I promise. It is hard a t times but be strong as long as you know she is well .

[zzxxee]

does she ever sleep around friends houses ??? if so, she can obviously fall asleep without you. If the problem persits i would recommend some help it could be some kind of seperation anxiety disorder

[mollykins]

But zzxxee if she has a sleepover she's sleeping in the same room as her friend, plus she probably doesn't have the ghosty problem.

[Nosha123]

You need to take the supernanny approach... (and might need counselling or help with the ghost thing - but all kids think there is a monster under the bed!!)

Have you ever seen Supernanny's approach to bedtime problems... look it up oon YouTube - but you have to be prepared to stick to your guns.

Yes this is your fault - but dont cry about it (its probably cos you are knackered that you feel defeated by this!)

If its any consolation - she wont be sleeping in your bed when she's 16!! ;-)

[joko]

i dont like to suggest this, and i'm sorry...but has something happened to her in that bed or that room that she would be afraid of...?

i mean 'panics' is a strong reaction at 9...

[karenmac60]

What about story tapes/cds? If she is engrossed in a story she may focus less on the fact that you're not there and it may distract her from thoughts of ghosts etc. Also the sound of someone speaking may help her drift off. Obviously they won't work by themselves if the problem is as bad as you say, but maybe in conjunction with some of the other ideas. My daughter slept in my bed till she was 10, although she didn't get in a state about it. When I remarried and my husband moved in she knew she had to sleep in her own bed. She was a bit weepy at first but she got used to it and she would probably be horrified at the thought now.

[apdog]

Try sleeping in her room with her for a week or two, then stay untill she sleeps, don't make too much of a fuss over it just let her settle gently :)