step children

[packmalp1]

continued...

My step daughter now has she is getting older is the real problem. Over the last year she has been telling lies to her mum that I have been horrible and saying nasty things to her.

Unfortunatley because my husbands ex does not like me, she goes along with it and rings up and starts ranting and raving at my husband..telling him that the children don't even love him .

We took the children on holiday last week, and his daughter started trouble yet again. Totally spoilt our holiday, wouldn't speak to me.. and was totally dis respectful. I feel really hurt as I have always looked after and treated her well. I now no longer want her in my home. Has anyone any advice as this cannot continue. I won't stop my husband seeing the children, but feel totally let down with all the lies, and worried it could get out of hand. many thanks

[zzxxee]

how old is she and how long have you been with her father?

[packmalp1]

My step daughter is now 13 and I have been with her father for 5 years. Both her mum and dad were seperated for around 18 months before we got together. My step daughter absolutely adored me, and kept asking if she could be bridesmaid if i married her dad, and was so excited about the whole set up. She even use to tell me she loved me!

[zzxxee]

that age 13 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my youngest turned 13 in feb they are a walking hormone mood swinging machine at that age. I would just ignore what you can, she is just trying to get a reaction out of you dont add fuel to her fire and it should settle in time x It also sounds like mum is influencing her telling any child their dad doesnt love her is unforgivable

[andy-hughes]

OK, I am a step-dad to two girls, so i speak from experience.

First of all, all children will play one parent off against the other - biological, step-parent, who cares - and trhe more complex the situation, and the more background grief, the more they exploit it.

You have to put the following rules in place -

1. You and your husband will back each other totally in regard to discipline - even if you think the other is wrong, you sort it out in private, but to the children, you are united, and cannot be divided (sounds like a song doesn't it ....)

2. Your husband needs to instil respect for you in his children. You are his parter nof choice, and they must respect you, and he must enforce that - and the same for you if your lad starts testing the boundaries - because that is what this behaviour is.

3. Get your husband to tell his ex-wife that none of you will fight through the children. Anything that the children bring to either household will be discussed calmly and in an adult fashion - not ading fuel to the flames by believing one child against one adult - that simply leads to endless pointless rows.

4. Start a regime with all the children -

I love you very much, and I love it when we are nice to each other, it makes me very happy. When you make me unhappy, I will make you unhappy, and continue until you are nice to me again, and then we can go back to having great times, and enjoying being together.

[andy-hughes]

It comes down to this - be nice, I'lkl be nice - be nasty, I'll be nastier, and i can, because I;m the adult - unfair, but that;s life, so let's be nice.

Enforce all of these, and your children will develop a sense of security which is what they are looking for - believe it or not.

It's not easy, but it must be done. Establish the rules, and stick to them absolutely, and you will find the nonsense will certainly lessen, even if it doesn;t stop.

I know - we did it, it was hard, but we won in the end.

Good luck - keep us posted.

[Nosha123]

i would ignore her bad behaviour (eg dont punish her by not wanting her in your house)

13 is a horrible age - and she is taking it all out on those close to her...

Maybe kill her with kindness???

Tell her you love her and understand that being a teenager is hard but that you are always there for her if she wants to talk...

So many adults tell stories of how they were awful to a step parent when they were a teenager and regret it later in life and are now very close.

Just be patient with her - and try counting to 10 LOTS!!!

[zzxxee]

also try some one to one time just you and her x

[Nosha123]

or as above (andy-hughes) play her at her own game....and be nasty back..
know - we did it, it was hard, but we won in the end.

What do I know - I havent even got kids!!!

Anyhow - I was wanting to try and get across that things may seem awful now - with her - but it wont always be like that so dont give up!!

[packmalp1]

Thanks for all your advice.

It is very hard as I always had quality time with my step daughter as well and got on so well, but when she got home it was a different story. I was the wicked step mother or 'HER' as i am now known.

My step daughter now text's her mum all the time saying that she hates me, reporting to her mum everything I have new for the home, or anything I buy my son.

My stepson is brilliant with me, and says that his sister trys to cause trouble between me and his dad for whatever reason.

We have had family discussions over this and have laid down rules etc, but it's getting worse now. I cannot cope with my step daughter not talking to me.

My husband has now said he does not want her in the house causing an atmosphere and causing trouble. We are both supporting each other throughout this.

A lot of people did tell me that my husbands ex is very jealous of our family unit, as life did not work out with the guy she had the affair with as she would have wished. They also told me to be careful has she would try and turn the children against me. My stepson does not get on with his mum, and does realise what is going on.

When my step children were at home with me, and I did most of the things for them, as a normal mother does, so it won't be able to continue.

We do actually believe that my stepdaughter won't want to continue to come over here when she gets back from holiday with her mum.

Will keep you posted as to what happens!!

Thanks for all our advice, its greatly appreciated x

[Nosha123]

"My stepson does not get on with his mum"

Maybe thats why she is kicking back against you - her brother is not getting on with the Mum.. so she is forming some kind of alliance with her mum.

You do need some ground rules laid down - she cannot come round to stay if she then refuses to talk to you.

Tell her - if she wants to be treated like an adult - she better start behaving like one and learning to talk problems or disagreements through rather than childish silence...

Or if she continues childish behaviour you will resort to child like punishments... with holding treats etc!

All 13 year olds (ESPECIALLY girls like to think how mature and grown up they are!)

[packmalp1]

Thanks Nosha123,

That's so true... exactly as it is.

I think it's being so dis-respectful and not talking to me and ignoring me, especially after all the things I have done for her.

It totally ruined our holiday, as my step daughter would not eat with me, be in the same room as me, as is very rude to my husband as well.

Hopefully we will get things sorted, but over time may be my step daughter will realise what I have done for her over the years!!

Thanks for your advice x

[zzxxee]

maybe you need to write her a letter tell her how much you love her but how hurt you feel slip it onto her bed or under her door she cant scream at a letter can she, i tried this with my eldest as she went from getting on with my partner to walking out of the room whenever he was there. it worked !!! i got a reply and an appology all beit in letter form. x

[karenmac60]

Your stepdaughter is being put in a terrible position by her mum. Mum is obviously feeling insecure and worrying that you are 'replacing' her in stepdaughters eyes, so she is doing her level best to come between you. Stepdaughter is listening to what her mum says and is trying to keep her happy by siding with her against you. She is also a seething mess of hormones and probably doesn't know whether she is coming or going. She probably hates herself for doing this to you deep down, she'll be confused as she is probably very fond of you but feels disloyal to her mum, but being a stubborn teenager she will never admit to it. I don't think keeping her out of your home is going to help - she will be so hurt that her dad doesn't want her anymore and it will confirm everything her mum has been telling her. I think you have to keep trying to get through to her. Spend some time with her and do something she really enjoys, then when her guard is down, talk to her. Don't shout, don't accuse, but really open up and tell her how much you and her dad love her and how this is tearing you all apart. You've been part of her life for 5 years, you can't just walk away from that. If it's any consolation the whole 'mother/daughter' relationship through the teenage years is the absolute worst! I gave my mum a hellish time, but I was nowhere near as bad as most of my friends. It should calm down in a couple of years and it'll be worth it in the long term - being a parent isn't something you can just give up on if things don't work out. Stick at it and good luck.

[karenmac60]

I wouldn't keep on about 'all you have done for her' though. It makes it sound like she owes you - we do things for our kids/stepkids because it's part and parcel of being a parent. She will only resent you if you throw it in her face.

[zzxxee]

sound advice from karen x

[packmalp1]

Thanks karenmac60..

That's excellent advice and oh so true...thank you xx

[divadobs]

Is there any way of building a 'friendship' with your husband's ex? I have a step daughter and I have made a real effort with her mother (hard at times) but 6 years down the line and the relationship between us all is very healthy and I am so grateful. It can't be easy having a new mother figure in your child's life so the ex is always going to be bitter about this, best thing you can do is show her that you're not trying to replace her but just want to get on. Perhaps easier said than done I don't know but worked for me. Separately, could you assist with your step daughter's home work or ask for her help in doing something fun like re-painting her room or something... Even though she's 13 she's still a child in many ways and I doubt she gets any satisfaction by being nasty. Good luck x

[packmalp1]

Hi Divadobs

Thanks for your reply.

I have tried on so many occasions to speak with my husbands ex, infact I keep so calm and won't lower to her level. Unfortunately she'll always scream and swear down the phone...I will no longer even talk to her as she upsets me every time. I have helped in the past with homework etc, but it hasn't helped. I have even had one to one time with my stepdaughter, but that makes her mum mad, as I have been told from my husbands ex that they are her children and not mine!!

At the end of the day, everyone tells us is just the green eyed monster rearing its ugly head, and my husbands ex influencing the children...we'll just have to see what happens.

Thanks for your time on here anyway. best reagrds, Lisa x

[zzxxee]

sounds like you could all benifit from family mediation

[zzxxee]

hope everything turns out ok x