can a affair be ''good'' for you marriage?

[lotsafun]

A friend of mine has confided in me that she is concidering having a affair or one night stand so to speak in order to put the spark back in her relationship. I cant see how this is going to work personally, i myself have gone through stale patches in my relationship but dont think i could ever cheat on my partner. She says that she and her husband have probably had sex twice this year and although she does love him (he really is a great guy) she needs more than he can give. She has no interest in having sex with him and vice versa but she does love him and couldnt imagine her life without him etc. I personally think she is craving a it of excitment, im sure there are many of us who feel like that sometimes , but is a affair really the answer? what do you think?

[woofgang]

I think she's an (expletive deleted) idiot has she not heard of TALKING to her HUSBAND????

[redcrx]

how can having sex with someone else behind your partners back ever put a spark back into your relationship?

shes crazy

[cazzz1975]

how can having sex with strangers make her more interested in having sex with her husband? maybe she is looking for a "worthy excuse" to allow her to fulfil her needs, time for herself and her husband to do some straight talking and stop avoiding the issue.

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

It might be "good" for her but what about the poor sod she's betraying while she gets her jollies?

[pastafreak]

If she has no interest in sex with her husband - yet 'loves' him-how can she justify sex with others? Why the need for a 'spark'....she is just trying to justify being a bit bored,and not being willing to put more effort into what she has.

[lotsafun]

Believe it or not she thinks that by sleeping with someone else she will stop resenting her husband for the lack of sex off him and therfore some of the arguments they have will stop! im feeling a bit torn what to do, ive told her that i wish she didnt get me involved by telling me in the first place as my partner and i are good friends with both her and her husband and that she has put me in a awful position. Ive also threatened her, which may of not been a good idea, that if she does cheat and i find out about it i will have no hesitations in telling her husband because he deserves better than that. Im hoping the negetive responce she had off me will make her pull herself together before she ruins everything but only time will tell.

[237SJ]

I don`t see how sleeping with someone else will help the marriage either. Personally i don`t think there is an awful lot of hope for a marriage if they never have sex (if they`re quite young) and sooner or later one of them will meet someone else. How does she know her husband isn`t sleeping with someone else on the side anyway? My friend had an affair and even though I had a lot of time for her husband, I would never have told him. I`m her friend rather than his, so my loyalty lies with her. They are getting divorced now (because he went off with his receptionist) but I would still never tell him about her affair. It`s a difficult position to be put in but your friend obviously feels she has to tell someone.

[cazzz1975]

if they are not going to discuss it then there is not much hope for the marriage lasting. If not dealt with, the resentment will just grow (thats even if she starts sleeping around). they need to talk.

[society]

Sounds to me like she'll be fuelling the spark out of her marriage.

[looobylooo]

i know of a couple similar to that too.
theyre both in their 40s. he tells me their marriage of 20 odd years is very very happy, apart from there being no sex between them.
she lost her drive after starting a family, but he hasnt lost his, far from it, and would love things to be happening with them still, but shes just not interested.
he no longer persues anything for fear of rejection again, and he'd not dream of putting pressure on her to do something she didnt want to do.
they also no longer talk about it so as not to cause rows. and so to keep the peace, he keeps his frustrations to himself..
he tells me they love each other dearly, get on great, enjoy each others company still, and they are very happy.
hes a great husband, got an excellent job, beautiful home, is caring, thoughtful, does loads around the house to help - cooking, shopping, washing, ironing, diy, takes her on nice surprise trips away etc etc..
but dont you think resentment would set in at some point, if one partner feels they are being deprived of such intimacy - not just physically but emotionally ....?
its a tricky one isnt it ...

[beso]

It will put a spark to it alright. The quality of that marriage is someting like a pool of volatile fuel. They will both get burnt.

Infidelity is not just a matter of arbitrary morality. It is an unfair risk to the health and life for the unconsenting partner. He deserves to know if she has sex outside the marriage. But then if he won't do it with her he will be safe.

She should leave him and find someone with a similar sex drive.

[Mattk]

I don't think an affair would reignite the spark but maybe it would make the marriage more tolerable..if that makes sense.

[cherrychapstick]

no i don't think gong out and having a one night stand/affair is going to help her .....it will just make it worse , if she did do it all she is going to see her husband as an even more of a disappointment because there is no excitement , she should get out buy herself a toy and satisfy herself hence no need for betrayal .... and her husband might think this a good thing and they might end up with a better sex life x

[Sqad]

Love...indefinable, so I shall use it in it´s very "loose" and popular meaning.

A man/woman can "love" their partner, but have an extra marital relationship.
A man/ woman can "love" their partner and "love" their lover/ mistress.

If either one of a partnership wants to continue their relationship in a celibate manner then he/ she shouldn´t expect the sexually active partner to also be celibate.

Now there are three alternatives.

1) Divorce
2) The sexually active partner to somehow become celibate
3) The sexually active partner to take a lover/mistress.

In other countries, they seem to have sold he problem, but in the UK we just blunder on.

[cazzz1975]

it obviously works for sqad doesnt it sqad....

[carmalee]

think the best thing for you lotsafun is to steer clear of this situation - you will get caught in the crossfire I promise you. your friend is just looking for justification in betraying her husband and you have only heard one side of it anyway. possibly they will find a mutually agreeable solution which entails her getting her jollies with someone else as Squad suggested, but I very much doubt it. She sould be talking to her husband, not to you - seems there's little respect in the marriage.

[Pinkypie]

Has it not occured to her that if they have only had sex twice this year that he's also getting it from somewhere?

Game over if you ask me, sex is a big part of my marriage! I would worry if we didn't do it!

[ChouChou24]

I personally think that if someone is willing to risk the future of their relationship this way is stupid and selfish. BUT, maybe if there was a mutual understanding between both partners and they set rules and had an in depth conversation about it and are in agreement, then MAYBE be it could work. But probably not...