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How do I stop the jealousy?
8 Answers
Long story short.
I was with a guy many years ago. We split, 6 weeks later he met someone else (I'll call her Jayne). 6 months later he proposed to Jayne. They married, then 2.5 years after that, they separated on bad terms. No kids involved.
We met again a little while later and are now together - very happily. In fact we are about to buy a house together.
What should be the best time of my life is being marred (I won't say ruined) by my irrational jealousy of her (and them).
He hates her. She has remarried, he doesn't speak to her. But I can't get certain thoughts out of my head.
Thoughts like, he proposed to her after 6 months, we've been together now for a year. Why hasn't he proposed to me? (Yes, I know they split up - told you these thoughts were irrational). This is made worse because they argued like cat and dog before they got married and apparently in his wedding speech he said that he realised he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her at the height of a row they were having. So, I wasn't good enough for him first time round but he wanted to spend the rest of his life with someone he fought with all the time??
I also wonder where and how he proposed to her. Pretty sure he'd tell me if I asked him, but I don't want to know.
I can't talk to him about this because I know he regrets marrying her (she took him for a lot of money) and he sees it as criticism. Plus (and more to the point) I know he can't do anything about it anyway. This is my problem and not his. He has done NOTHING to make me think that he still thinks about her in any way other than his ex wife.
But I just don't know how to get rid of these thoughts.
Any ideas? Anyone had the same problem?
Thanks
I was with a guy many years ago. We split, 6 weeks later he met someone else (I'll call her Jayne). 6 months later he proposed to Jayne. They married, then 2.5 years after that, they separated on bad terms. No kids involved.
We met again a little while later and are now together - very happily. In fact we are about to buy a house together.
What should be the best time of my life is being marred (I won't say ruined) by my irrational jealousy of her (and them).
He hates her. She has remarried, he doesn't speak to her. But I can't get certain thoughts out of my head.
Thoughts like, he proposed to her after 6 months, we've been together now for a year. Why hasn't he proposed to me? (Yes, I know they split up - told you these thoughts were irrational). This is made worse because they argued like cat and dog before they got married and apparently in his wedding speech he said that he realised he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her at the height of a row they were having. So, I wasn't good enough for him first time round but he wanted to spend the rest of his life with someone he fought with all the time??
I also wonder where and how he proposed to her. Pretty sure he'd tell me if I asked him, but I don't want to know.
I can't talk to him about this because I know he regrets marrying her (she took him for a lot of money) and he sees it as criticism. Plus (and more to the point) I know he can't do anything about it anyway. This is my problem and not his. He has done NOTHING to make me think that he still thinks about her in any way other than his ex wife.
But I just don't know how to get rid of these thoughts.
Any ideas? Anyone had the same problem?
Thanks
Answers
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I agree with cazz, he's had a bad experience and doesn't want to make the same mistake again. My ex never remarried after we divorced, he said he never would, although he's been with the same woman for twenty years now.
I really can't see the point of asking him these questions, it's history now and he's with you. You have to stop festering these thoughts, they will not do your relationship any good. Why do you wonder about the proposal if "I don't want to know" - stop wondering then, built your own good future with him, and don't keep looking backwards. Draw a line under it - please - and look forwards with him.
I really can't see the point of asking him these questions, it's history now and he's with you. You have to stop festering these thoughts, they will not do your relationship any good. Why do you wonder about the proposal if "I don't want to know" - stop wondering then, built your own good future with him, and don't keep looking backwards. Draw a line under it - please - and look forwards with him.
Thanks guys
This is the most frustrating thing of all about it. I know he won't want to get married anytime soon and I'm fine with that. We've talked about it and he knows that one day I do want to get married but I'm in no rush and fully understand that he needs time to heal.
I guess I wish that I could have a lightbulb moment where I realised that I was wasting (not a lot of) energy (I don't obsess about this, it just creeps up on me from time to time) but I'm just worried that his first marriage is going to affect a lot of areas of our life together.
For example, before he met her he was very good with money. She wasn't and she almost bankrupted them both. Now, thankfully him and I have similar attitudes on money but I know if I ever wanted to do something extravagent, he'd say 'that's what Jayne did and I'm not doing it again'.
I guess I just need to tackle each instance of that as and when it happens without over reacting.
This is the most frustrating thing of all about it. I know he won't want to get married anytime soon and I'm fine with that. We've talked about it and he knows that one day I do want to get married but I'm in no rush and fully understand that he needs time to heal.
I guess I wish that I could have a lightbulb moment where I realised that I was wasting (not a lot of) energy (I don't obsess about this, it just creeps up on me from time to time) but I'm just worried that his first marriage is going to affect a lot of areas of our life together.
For example, before he met her he was very good with money. She wasn't and she almost bankrupted them both. Now, thankfully him and I have similar attitudes on money but I know if I ever wanted to do something extravagent, he'd say 'that's what Jayne did and I'm not doing it again'.
I guess I just need to tackle each instance of that as and when it happens without over reacting.
Miss Chief - his first marriage will only affect your future if you allow it to. Do you know definitely that he would sa e.g. "That's what Jayne did..." or is this your insecurity suggesting that? He's clearly committed to you, otherwise why would he buy a house with you? Let his wounds heal and you can both start afresh. Knowing that your jealousy is irrational doesn't make it easier for you to dismiss it, but it's a very destructive emotion and THAT is what could threaten your future. Look forward, together.
He has said 'that's what Jayne did' a few times about various things abut those times are getting fewer and further between now, I hope because he's starting to put her and their marriage behind him.
You're right, I know it's only me that can let this ruin things, I guess I'm getting frustrated because I know he doesn't deserve me feeling like this. He's my soulmate and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Thanks for the advice guys.
You're right, I know it's only me that can let this ruin things, I guess I'm getting frustrated because I know he doesn't deserve me feeling like this. He's my soulmate and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Thanks for the advice guys.
looks like he married her on the rebound and got it badly wrong. And he seems to realise it, which is a big step to make - a useful learning experience for him, which is good news because it means he'll have got some foolishness out of his system. (Lots of husbands haven't.)
Regarding jealousy, though, most people's partners have some sort of history, and there's nothing much anyone can do but shrug their shoulders and say 'Well, he's with me now.' I suspect the longer he's with you, the more the doubts will fade. Just remind yourself you've done nothing wrong; any mistakes were his, and you've got what many would see as a fairytale ending.
Regarding jealousy, though, most people's partners have some sort of history, and there's nothing much anyone can do but shrug their shoulders and say 'Well, he's with me now.' I suspect the longer he's with you, the more the doubts will fade. Just remind yourself you've done nothing wrong; any mistakes were his, and you've got what many would see as a fairytale ending.
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