Nativity Risk Assessments (several-part post)

[boxtops]

NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS (HEALTH AND SAFETY)

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.


The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and
Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also
requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks
via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The
Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all
around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering
out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

[boxtops]

LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.


The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines
are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-
hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road,
Mary & Joseph are required to wear face masks. The Little Donkey has
expressed his discomfort as being labelled Little and would prefer to
being simply referred to as Mr Donkey. Comments upon his height or
otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.



WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Field and fountain,
Moor and Mountain,
Following yonder star.


Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as Cash4Gold
etc, gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the
risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable
alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that
traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the
use of AA Route finder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route
and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three
camels require regular rest and food breaks and face masks for the three
Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by
the camel hooves.

[boxtops]

THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of
allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular
blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered
alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a
Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be
permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure
at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification
before any rocking commences.



JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go - laughing all the way.


A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is
considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment
should also consider whether the use of only one horse in appropriate -
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from
landowners must be gained before entering any Open Fields. To avoid
offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that
only moderate laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of
nuisance to others.



RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.


You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R
Reindeer. Nam

[boxtops]

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (cut off in his prime above!)

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.


You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R
Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and
further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games
will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken
against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will
be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from
hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.



AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger - no crib for a bed ...

Refer to Social Services immediately!

[Coldicote]

I regard the Christmas Nativity story as a beautiful symbolic work of art, possibly created a long time after the birth of Christ when it was realised the kind of person he was growing up to be. It fills a gap in the history of his life and, like many ancient stories, it no doubt features aspects of life as it was at that time. For those who follow the Christian faith, in my view Christ's birth should be a religious festival at some other time and separate from the obsessive mid-winter celebrations of Santa Claus etc. in December.