how to deal with a friend who has started cross dressing

[bednobs]

Hi, i need some sensible answers please (!)
i have always considered myself a fairly laid back person. A few weeks ago one of my friends and his girlfriend came to stay for a couple of nights. When they arrived, friend didn't take his coat off for ages. he went to the loo and g/f said to us he was nervous of taking his coat off because he didn't know how we would react to his attire.
When he did take his coat off, he had on crushed velvet leggings, and a longish shimmery top.
Neither of us said anything (why would you, he is our friend and we like him)
over the course of the time he stayed, things progressed and when he left he was wearing womens jewellery, make up as well as womens clothes.
I was surprised because it actually made me feel quite uncomfortable. He has a job that he goes to (i presume wearing mens clothes), and also has a beard. I just don't really know what to do - i didn't tell him i was uncomfortable, but if he comes again i would really prefer he wears mens clothes. Is this an acceptable thing for me to ask him do you think? or do i have to accept him for what makes him feel comfy despite the fact it makes me VERY uncomfy? or is it the end of the friendship because i can't make myself feel comfy with this? If he was worried what we would think, why didn't he just wear a tshirt?

[sara3]

tough call.. he obviously needs to express himself and was probably delighted he could cross-dress in front of you. I suppose it depends how good a friend you consider him. you could probably tell him you were shocked, and take it from there.. but I don't think I'd cut ties just because he felt comfortable enough to do this in front of you.

perhaps he should have fore-warned you, though!

[sara3]

sorry, I'm back!

it is odd. was it not mentioned while he was there? you must have looked visibly shocked/surprised!

[Andyvon]

There are limits Bednobs.

I think the salient point is when you say you started to feel uncomfortable in your own home. That's your friends over-stepping the mark. Perhaps he can do as he wishes in his own home but he can't visit your home and make you feel uncomfortable. It's also a matter of respect. If he's got these tendancies then he should respect you and dress appropriately - not just expect you to accept them. After all, that's what he does for work so he can do it for you.

You mustn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. No one has the right to do that to you.

[Huderon]

He's a friend, so tell him that his dressing made you feel very uncomfortable and ask him not to do it again when he comes to see you. That way the friendship can carry on as normal, assuming you can handle knowing that he dresses, even if he never does so again in front of you.

As for why he didn't wear a t-shirt, perhaps he thought that your friendship might be strong enough for you to accept his dressing, but wasn't absolutely sure. Just going for it like that could have been easier for him than telling you outright

[bednobs]

well the G/F had warned us about 2 minutes previously.
TBH i wasn't #all that# shocked - he has always worn nail varnish and last time he came he was wearing a top that was sort of either or and i said to him "you're wearing a girl's top" (in a joke) and he said "yes i know" completely deadpan.
untilli saw him in the full get up i didn't realise how uncomfortable i was

[Whickerman]

maybe he feels that you are a real friend and that he can be himself around you? You may be the first he's 'come out' to. Go for a pint and have a chat.

[pastafreak]

Maybe it would have been better if you HAD said something...then at least a dialogue would have started,and you may have had an insight into his feelings.

[gingejbee]

Yes, I agree with sara- a strange thing to do when visiting you in YOUR home. What he does in his own place doesn't affect anyone else, but i think a little discussion first wouldn't have gone amiss.

[Eve]

Difficult one if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

The cross dressing in itself wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable though it might have been a little odd it being sprung on you like that if he is such a good friend, is that where the discomfort comes from rather than the actual cross dressing?

If that's the case then maybe talking to him about things generally could help a little.

[bednobs]

uurrgghh i was hoping for a magical solution where i didn't have to talk to him about it :)

[sara3]

lol.. like life's like that!

I think (on some level) you should be flattered.

but you can still be a bit freaked out. and you still should talk to him about it ;o)

[annie0000]

Hmmm - I guess he wants to expand the situations where he feels he can be truly himself. In one way it is probably a compliment that he thinks that you are good enough friends to accept him in his female attire. It would have been better if he had broached the subject with you beforehand to get a view on whether you thought it acceptable or not.

If you don't say anything to him, he will carry on doing it and if you do, you risk your friendship. the other option is that you cut down the times where you see your friends effectively ending the friendship anyway.

It was a bold move on his part, which looks like it has backfired.

Your only way out may be humour, making light of it and telling him you don't like him showing you up or something, or a candid chat with him or his partner.

[cazzz1975]

maybe in time you will become less uncomfortable with it?

[Andyvon]

What about talking to his girlfriend? Maybe steer the conversation onto the subject, then mention that it made you feel uncomfortable. If she's your friend then she'll understand and she should have the sense and tact to deal with it from there. Friends do not put each other in this position in the first place.

[bednobs]

i don't really know the g/f all that well

[sherrardk]

Can't you broach the subject on the phone, say something like you enjoyed seeing them but mentioning that his attire made you feel uncomfortable. You could add that you are flattered that he felt he could show this side of himself to you but that you would prefer it if he was his 'old' self when he next visited.

[pastafreak]

By the sounds of it-he may not have been totally comfortable either-if it took a while as you say for him to reveal the full effect. Maybe your seeming acceptance-based on this and his previous 'hints'-ie-wearing nail varnish-will leave him feeling that all is OK. When actually it isn't. Better to get things out in the open....gently. Your discomfort may be due to the suddenness...if he had been gradual in coming 'out',might you have been more at ease?

[bednobs]

or i could just completely chicken out and email him :)

[Dris]

I get you but in reality 'most' females dress comfortably in what could be looked upon as male attire.i wear H's socks t-shirts hoodies in fact anything I can get away with.
I understand your concern but if you peel it back its bugger all -the least he could have done was to forewarn you that all.Its not -like you have to be told -a sexual thing -its just an expressive way of dressing and big up to him for having the courage to do it but thumbs down for not warning you -thats all.

[China Doll]

Mmmmm... Tough call!

I think if it were me, I would see it as a back handed compliment and if he is that good a friend, probably not say/do much about it and see how I go after a few more occasions. If after these, I feel uncomfortable still then I think I would have to discuss the possibility of meeting them for dinner elsewhere as I wouldn't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home but opening the dialogue about it means that if I make him wear male clothes in my home, he will be uncomfortable so no one wins. At least out for dinner is more neutral ground. And obviously at his home then I play by his rules regardless.

Sorry, probably not many pearls of wisdom in there!