Engaged....but why?

[lourules]

in a nutshell ... been with my partner 5 years been engaged for a year. BEFORE we were engaged for a laugh i put in for Dont Tell The Bride (my partner knew i had) and we got through to the interviews then to the final interview. Was pretty convinced we were going to end up on the show so mutually picked a beautiful ring, got engaged (although i wasnt actually proposed to) had a little party and my partner was happy texting me things like "heya future wifey" which made me v.happy. Then we didnt get on the show as they gave our spot to a more "needy" couple and all of a sudden the "wifey" texts stopped. His family started saying "well you only got engaged for the show so its not like a proper engagement is it?" - anyways i brought up the subject of actually GETTING married the other month saying why dont we do it this summer as his sister is over from oz on a visit and were planning to move abroad at the end of the year and i was met with a frosty - "no i dont think so i dont want to fully commit to anyone plus we cant afford it" and that was that. i tried to show him some dresses on ebay and said we didnt have to spend alot for it to be intimate but still the answer was...no and no. So now today i take my ring off to put handcream on and im thinking i dont wanna put it back on? Why are we engaged? i mean he didnt actually ask me BUT was happy to do so at the time? He doesnt actually want to get married? We have a good relationship but we are chalk and cheese. Hes 28 and im 26 - i know marriage isnt the be all and end all but the thought of marriage fills me with happiness plus i want our granparents to see it before its too late as there all in their 80's....im tempted to put the ring in abox and put it away. I cant wear jewellery for my work so he prob wouldnt notice? What shall i do?

[ummmm]

Accept the fact that he never proposed and was doing it only for a game show.

[sara3]

he's made it clear that he doesn't want to "fully commit" to you, so you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life potentially not moving on.. unless maybe one of you finds someone who wants the same as them.

will you be sad if you look back in another 5 years time, and haven't moved on?

[lourules]

i dont understand how someone who has been faithful and commited to me for 5 years would say they dont want to commit? Are men really that scared of marriage?

[DosAmigos]

If he's not ready to commit after five years, he never will.

Move on.

[lourules]

this is it, i dont want to waste my time with someone who doesnt want the same as me at the end of the day. But we have such a good relationship? maybe i should call the engagement off and see what he says? hes one of those blokes who doesnt truely tell you how he feels

[sara3]

sorry but your engagement was never "on".

"engaged to be married" is the phrase, and you weren't.

[bimbo123456]

If that is in a nutshell, I would hate to see the extended version. Looks like being a possible celebrity may have gone to his head hunny. You have two options. a) dump him b) tell him how you feel and see what reaction you get...and then dump him There are plenty of men out there. Although you have invested a lot of time in the relationship it seems that he is not taking you seriously, in my opinion. I hope you find happiness eventually.

[tamborine]

ebay ring & buy fishing rod

[Hettster]

lourules . . . . You say in one response
"Are men really that scared of marriage?”
From a financial viewpoint . . . . . . A wise man will be and a fool won’t!

[ummmm]

No they are not scared of marriage. Nearly half the married population are men.

Marriage doesn't appeal to some people. Were you happy before your sham engagement? If so, nothing has changed except you now know that he doesn't want to get married. Also, what's the point of calling off a 'pretend' engagement? Put the ring on the other hand.

[joko]

he sounds like he just wanted the £12,000 and his own 1 hour show...
i would imagine if you had got on the show, hed have had a fab stag night...or even jetted off to another country for the ceremony...and your day, dress, flowers etc etc would have been unthought out, and the bear minimum...
now he has to pay himself and has no crew, he cant be bothered...

[whiskeryron]

Don't get married just because you like the idea it's gotta be because you both want it,it looks to me as tho this guy wants it all his own way.
/// Are men really that scared of marriage?/// No I was never scared of marriage, I'm one of the old school who waited for marriage before having sex ( ok a lot of you will sneer at that ) but we were always taught to observe the sanctity of marriage. We had 58 years of very happily married life until my wife died in 2008. Why don't you give this guy an ultimatum ''Marry you or stick to his own bed in the future'' You'll soon see whether he's worth it or not. If he chooses NO believe me he 'aint' worth it.Ron.♥

[ummmm]

Ron - times are different now. Marry me or no sex is not a fair ultimatum and will probably back fire.

[whiskeryron]

ummmm, I'm trying to make the point that this guy's only going with lourules to get his leg over, not a satisfactory situation for her,best end it now rather than go on & on, find someone who will treat her better. Ron

[happyone2]

Whilst i can see that it is reasonable for everyone to think that he is unlikely to committ after 5 years, i would just like to say that i feel that sometimes there are issues going on behind the scenes which can affect someone for a long time and need to be dealt with..

I have known a chap for 6 years, during which he has had to deal with a lot of issues, his mother who he had lived with all his life died, leaving him with a derelict house and no money, having used his money to pay for her care.

His emotions bounced all over the place, he couldnt cope with everything and be with someone who wanted a committment at this time- but not because he wanted to be with some one else or because he didnt love me, he just came up agains too many memories of grief etc.He tried but every time i felt i had made progress towards what i wanted he wobbled and we had time apart.

My man's issues came from grief, is there something that may be preventing your man from making a committment ???

Anyway, eventually i realised that whilst i wanted to be with him, time was passing and i couldnt wait any longer and told him so..................( and meant it ) . As a result, he opened up and talked to me about how he was feeling and why and together with this information were able to move forward. i understood where he was coming from and why and he understood mine.

He needed to move gently without stress , so he did commit to me - as much as he was able , we bought rings and a house together but live in different parts of the UK. As he relaxes and deals with his issues, we intend to spend more time together until he evenutally moves in with me.................and if possible one day hopefully we will marry.

Who knows, all i know is he loves me and his reasons for not marrying me are not to do with not loving me, but to do with things that have affected him which he at last acknowledged needed to be worked o

[sara3]

if he just wanted a leg-over he wouldn't have stuck around for 5 years. he just doesn't want to marry her.

[ummmm]

I don't think many people would stay with someone for 5 years for a leg over. It's not hard to get 'no strings' sex...

[pa___ul3]

Textbook - I think you need to speak to him, ask him where he sees you and him, if he doesnt want to commit to that yet then so be it, it may be for financial reasons or some other, basically find out why. If it's because he's not sure if he sees his future with you then you know.
If you can't speak to him about such a big thing then you're not ready to get married.

[lourules]

He says its bcause of money and because hes not ready yet? maybe im just rushing him into it all - ill be patient and wait