Spectator - Christmas Crossword -...
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OCD/Depression
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My daughter had a complete breakdown ten years ago when she was 16, it was brought about by her then boyfriend dumping her....what resulted was her wearing the same clothes for 18 months (the first six months I wasn't even allowed to wash them!), she 'had' to eat certain things at certain times or if she didn't, she thought she was responsible for any bad things that might happen.
Anyway when we got her to a pyschiatrist he told us that it really stemmed from her Dad leaving when she was five...the boyfriend then dumped her and it brought back all that insecurity. Well after 18 months of living like this (and there was a lot morw going on I am dumbing this down quite a bit!) she suddenly overnight decided she couldn't live like that anymore and I got my daughter back!!!
Fantastic....OK she still had rituals she followed (OCD) but it was nothing really and certainly no one even noticed....however, here we are 10 years on and BANG.....it's back.....that awful feeling she has. That if she doesn't do certain things, that bad things will happen.
She is waiting to see a clinical psychologist and has had a preliminary appointment that I went to with her with a mental health nurse....but I was surprised that the nurse said it was OK for me to 'join' in with her problem....what I mean is that she sometimes calls me to ask if it's OK NOT to do something, I suppose in a way she is shifting the blame onto me....so if I say 'OK don't touch the door handles twenty times, nothing bad will happen' the nurse said it is OK for me to give her that reassurance but I am not sure about joining in with it.....shouldn't I be saying 'now come on ***** stop being ridiculous of couse you don't need to touch the door handle'.....I am confused myself.....seems like ten years ago the mental health doctor told her she had no right to involve anyone else in it...but this nurse is telling me its OK to get involved! Obviously I want her to get better, to be honest it is breaking my heart that she is going through this again and that she has had a lovely life for the last eight years and yet here we are again....I don't know what to do for the best.....the nurse suggested some medication but she is reluctant to do that, she didn't resort to that last time and feels she should be able to manage without it this time.....just some advice would be good! Thanks
Anyway when we got her to a pyschiatrist he told us that it really stemmed from her Dad leaving when she was five...the boyfriend then dumped her and it brought back all that insecurity. Well after 18 months of living like this (and there was a lot morw going on I am dumbing this down quite a bit!) she suddenly overnight decided she couldn't live like that anymore and I got my daughter back!!!
Fantastic....OK she still had rituals she followed (OCD) but it was nothing really and certainly no one even noticed....however, here we are 10 years on and BANG.....it's back.....that awful feeling she has. That if she doesn't do certain things, that bad things will happen.
She is waiting to see a clinical psychologist and has had a preliminary appointment that I went to with her with a mental health nurse....but I was surprised that the nurse said it was OK for me to 'join' in with her problem....what I mean is that she sometimes calls me to ask if it's OK NOT to do something, I suppose in a way she is shifting the blame onto me....so if I say 'OK don't touch the door handles twenty times, nothing bad will happen' the nurse said it is OK for me to give her that reassurance but I am not sure about joining in with it.....shouldn't I be saying 'now come on ***** stop being ridiculous of couse you don't need to touch the door handle'.....I am confused myself.....seems like ten years ago the mental health doctor told her she had no right to involve anyone else in it...but this nurse is telling me its OK to get involved! Obviously I want her to get better, to be honest it is breaking my heart that she is going through this again and that she has had a lovely life for the last eight years and yet here we are again....I don't know what to do for the best.....the nurse suggested some medication but she is reluctant to do that, she didn't resort to that last time and feels she should be able to manage without it this time.....just some advice would be good! Thanks
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i think it's sad that she thinks that "resorting" to tablets is a bad thing. If she had cancer, she would take medication, if she had a broken leg she would take painkillers. Having a mental illness isn't any different really - it an illness that she hasn't asked for and just happened to her (much like cancer or falling over and breaking your leg) and it's an illness that we know medication can help with. I don't gt what you are saying about colluding with her - if the professional has said it's ok to say " no nothing bad will happen if you don't touch the door 20 times) i can't see how that's colluding
Oh purple, I feel for you. Triggers can set people back so far, and nobody knows what sets them off.
Of course you can be part of it and reassure her that the world won't fall in if she doesn't partake in her OCD activities..... I remember when I was depressed, I wasn't OCD but rituals and securities became hugely important to reassure myself that I had some tiny aspect of control in my life.
Don't forget that clinical practice and understanding has changed considerably in the last 10 years - what was accepted norms then, probably isn't now.
..and no, you don't say about being ridiculous - the person in this situation knows they are behaving peculiarly but has no control over it at this stage, telling them to get a grip is one of the worst things that can happen.
I didn't find that it helped me at all to know what was at the root of my own problems, all I wanted was to get better and to not have my life messed up with so much fear and negativity. It was a long haul as you know already.
Was there anything leading up to this return of symptoms which might have her (or you) some warning signs? I'm only suggesting this in case when she is better this time round, she can set some milestones in place in case she feels symptoms returning again, and get some help quickly before she becomes ill again.
I'm feeling for you both ♥
Of course you can be part of it and reassure her that the world won't fall in if she doesn't partake in her OCD activities..... I remember when I was depressed, I wasn't OCD but rituals and securities became hugely important to reassure myself that I had some tiny aspect of control in my life.
Don't forget that clinical practice and understanding has changed considerably in the last 10 years - what was accepted norms then, probably isn't now.
..and no, you don't say about being ridiculous - the person in this situation knows they are behaving peculiarly but has no control over it at this stage, telling them to get a grip is one of the worst things that can happen.
I didn't find that it helped me at all to know what was at the root of my own problems, all I wanted was to get better and to not have my life messed up with so much fear and negativity. It was a long haul as you know already.
Was there anything leading up to this return of symptoms which might have her (or you) some warning signs? I'm only suggesting this in case when she is better this time round, she can set some milestones in place in case she feels symptoms returning again, and get some help quickly before she becomes ill again.
I'm feeling for you both ♥
Thank you Boxtops.....you're answer has reassured me....you said everything she has said, about just wanting to get better....believe me if you met her in the street you would never know that there was anything wrong with her....she is such a personable girl....it is a crying shame she has to suffer like this. I wish I knew what had triggered it off again. I have my own ideas about it but she says I am wrong.....but I don't think I am......she has been with her fiance for seven years and I know she wants to get married and have a family but he doesn't really want to....he keeps making excuses.....I think they are at the end of their road.....but she disagrees....and of course it would make sense that the OCD thing would come back....harping back to her Dad leaving etc etc.....
She wasn't on her own Bedknobs, I was against the medication aswell...but only because of the bad press it's had in the past....but I agree, she takes medication for her heavy periods....and I think she is on the verge of agreeing to medication, what do you think of medication Boxtops? My own partner is on medication for depression and to be honest it has definitely made him 'not bothered' about anything anymore.....he doesn't cry all day every day anymore....however, I think that is what she fears....the loss of control of her emotions....her Grandfather has Alzheimers and they are so close, he is getting really bad of late and although at present he is physically not too bad she knows he will pass at some time and she said to me that when he passes away she wants to feel something, she wants to cry and she thinks that on medication she won't be able to. Aaaarrrgghhhh never having been a depressive person myself I am struggling to advise her.....
She wasn't on her own Bedknobs, I was against the medication aswell...but only because of the bad press it's had in the past....but I agree, she takes medication for her heavy periods....and I think she is on the verge of agreeing to medication, what do you think of medication Boxtops? My own partner is on medication for depression and to be honest it has definitely made him 'not bothered' about anything anymore.....he doesn't cry all day every day anymore....however, I think that is what she fears....the loss of control of her emotions....her Grandfather has Alzheimers and they are so close, he is getting really bad of late and although at present he is physically not too bad she knows he will pass at some time and she said to me that when he passes away she wants to feel something, she wants to cry and she thinks that on medication she won't be able to. Aaaarrrgghhhh never having been a depressive person myself I am struggling to advise her.....
Phew purple... I didn't know about her granddad. I'm sure that is adding to her anxiety.
Personally, I would take medication but not be too reliant on it. In my time, the stuff I took spaced me out (I was just talking to OH about how I was on 10 tablets a day, at hourly intervals, my life was ruled by the clock) and coming off the medication gradually was almost as trying as going on them in the first place. However, medication and medical awareness about the whole thing has improved considerably in the past 20 years, and if she needs something short-term, just to dull the immediate anxiety, then I would encourage her to take it, but to keep on reviewing it each time she needs a new prescription. It was far too easy for me just to stay on the meds year after year - and the GPs then let me do it. A few days' medication won't hurt your daughter, as long as she doesn't see it as a solution but more a tool to help her get through it. You need a load of coping mechanisms to regain your sense of self-worth, and having sensible recourse to a course of medication can be one of them, when things are getting out of hand. If she's seeing an MH specialist nurse while she's waiting to see the consultant, it would do no harm, IMO - it's not a failure to need a bit of help just to kick-start recovery.
Personally, I would take medication but not be too reliant on it. In my time, the stuff I took spaced me out (I was just talking to OH about how I was on 10 tablets a day, at hourly intervals, my life was ruled by the clock) and coming off the medication gradually was almost as trying as going on them in the first place. However, medication and medical awareness about the whole thing has improved considerably in the past 20 years, and if she needs something short-term, just to dull the immediate anxiety, then I would encourage her to take it, but to keep on reviewing it each time she needs a new prescription. It was far too easy for me just to stay on the meds year after year - and the GPs then let me do it. A few days' medication won't hurt your daughter, as long as she doesn't see it as a solution but more a tool to help her get through it. You need a load of coping mechanisms to regain your sense of self-worth, and having sensible recourse to a course of medication can be one of them, when things are getting out of hand. If she's seeing an MH specialist nurse while she's waiting to see the consultant, it would do no harm, IMO - it's not a failure to need a bit of help just to kick-start recovery.
My OCD started when I was 13/14 it stems from having a science lab as my home room in senior school. After seeing a frog being dissected on one of the benches I could never see any of the benches in that room as ‘clean’ after that. It then snowballed to just about everything else. I still won’t/can’t (depending on your point of view) touch door handles with my bare hands and I have special ‘dirty clothes’ to wear when I know I’ve got to sit on a public chair say or I know I’m going to be hugged or touched by someone. One of my lowest times was about five years ago when I had to drive home from my nearest town without stopping, which would have been fine if there wasn’t 9 sets of traffic lights between my 2 destinations! if I did get stopped I would have to go back and start again. Glad that one no longer exists! My OCD comes and goes, I’ve lived with it for over 30 years and I’ve learnt to live with it, I just go with the flow, for the most part it doesn’t bother me anymore.
As boxtops says ‘treatment’ 10 years ago was very different to what is on offer now. Families are encouraged to participate in the recovery process because it affects all the OCD sufferers’ family and friends, you don’t mention whether the fiancé goes with her to see the nurse? I don’t believe she is shifting the ‘blame’ on to you, she trusts you and is seeking your help, she probably realises nothing bad will happen but some negative part of her brain overrides that positive thought. Don’t be afraid to reassure your daughter that touching door handles won’t cause bad things to happen, you reassured her through her childhood it’s just that the reason for the reassurance is slightly different now. Has she been offered CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)? it works wonders for some. Have you asked if there is a local support group? knowing you’re not the only one often helps, try this site: - http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/ you may find it useful.
Not all medication is bad; it can just take a while to find the right one for you. I’m no psychologist but you said that your daughter wants to commit and the fiancé doesn’t seem keen, this could be the trigger that released her insecurities about being ‘abandoned’ again. I prompts the question again, is the fiancé taking an active part in your daughters recovery?
I hope that your daughter soon finds her feet again and can get back to a happy and productive life.
As boxtops says ‘treatment’ 10 years ago was very different to what is on offer now. Families are encouraged to participate in the recovery process because it affects all the OCD sufferers’ family and friends, you don’t mention whether the fiancé goes with her to see the nurse? I don’t believe she is shifting the ‘blame’ on to you, she trusts you and is seeking your help, she probably realises nothing bad will happen but some negative part of her brain overrides that positive thought. Don’t be afraid to reassure your daughter that touching door handles won’t cause bad things to happen, you reassured her through her childhood it’s just that the reason for the reassurance is slightly different now. Has she been offered CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)? it works wonders for some. Have you asked if there is a local support group? knowing you’re not the only one often helps, try this site: - http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/ you may find it useful.
Not all medication is bad; it can just take a while to find the right one for you. I’m no psychologist but you said that your daughter wants to commit and the fiancé doesn’t seem keen, this could be the trigger that released her insecurities about being ‘abandoned’ again. I prompts the question again, is the fiancé taking an active part in your daughters recovery?
I hope that your daughter soon finds her feet again and can get back to a happy and productive life.
I hid it for a long time, it was only when a friend wanted to give me a hug on my 30th birthday that I finally admit to her, as well as to myself I think, that I had a problem and I wished she wouldn’t hug me and promptly burst into tears. It was such a relief to actually tell someone, I’m not exactly sure she quite understood it at the time but she is one of the very few people who I trust when I’m having a bad time. I’ve been open and honest about everything since. For years I thought I was the only one with these types of problems it was only after I began telling people that I found out I wasn’t. The strangest OCD symptom I’ve head about was a gentleman who could only cross a road if he was wearing blue wellingtons and carrying a yellow bucket!!
The most difficult and stressful thing for me is shopping. I have difficulty putting my shopping on the conveyer belt in supermarkets and the whole checkout experience is made worse by some people not give you any personal space, they stand right next to you or they lean over your shopping. I have been known to get halfway through packing my shopping and walk off and leave it because I just can’t cope!! Luckily my local supermarket understands and I have a few ladies on the check outs that now know me and understand my condition and I find them very calming when I’ve had a stressful run round the aisles!
Yes you’re right, unless you have suffered with anything similar yourself or experienced it with a family member or friend it can be hard to fathom. But I would like to add everyone has a bit of OCD in them whether they want to admit it or not, how many of you check that you have locked the door after you know you have just locked it?!
The most difficult and stressful thing for me is shopping. I have difficulty putting my shopping on the conveyer belt in supermarkets and the whole checkout experience is made worse by some people not give you any personal space, they stand right next to you or they lean over your shopping. I have been known to get halfway through packing my shopping and walk off and leave it because I just can’t cope!! Luckily my local supermarket understands and I have a few ladies on the check outs that now know me and understand my condition and I find them very calming when I’ve had a stressful run round the aisles!
Yes you’re right, unless you have suffered with anything similar yourself or experienced it with a family member or friend it can be hard to fathom. But I would like to add everyone has a bit of OCD in them whether they want to admit it or not, how many of you check that you have locked the door after you know you have just locked it?!
Lyall....thank you so much for your openness and honesty.....I appreciate it.....it is comforting (as daft as that may sound) to know that we are not alone.....as for the fiance.....his response was....what do I have to go for, its your problem.....enough said I think!
I agree....I think the problem is that they are at the end of their road and thats what has triggered this off....so the problem for me is that she won't dump him.....because of not wanting to be alone again.....and yet she recognises that he is doing nothing to help her.....the worst of it is the hypocrasy....he too has a 'thing' about eating food that he doesn't know who or where it has been cooked....he is constantly putting vaseline on his lips....and yet he doesn't admit that he also has a problem and she couldn't do more than she does to support him....it's so frustrating.....
I think I will advise her to take a low dose of medication until she can start her CBT (which is what she is on the waiting list for)
I want to thank you all for your advice and support.....I can't tell you how much it means to know we are not alone.....and I realise that means someone else is suffering too but you know what I mean! I shall let you know how things go......XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I agree....I think the problem is that they are at the end of their road and thats what has triggered this off....so the problem for me is that she won't dump him.....because of not wanting to be alone again.....and yet she recognises that he is doing nothing to help her.....the worst of it is the hypocrasy....he too has a 'thing' about eating food that he doesn't know who or where it has been cooked....he is constantly putting vaseline on his lips....and yet he doesn't admit that he also has a problem and she couldn't do more than she does to support him....it's so frustrating.....
I think I will advise her to take a low dose of medication until she can start her CBT (which is what she is on the waiting list for)
I want to thank you all for your advice and support.....I can't tell you how much it means to know we are not alone.....and I realise that means someone else is suffering too but you know what I mean! I shall let you know how things go......XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
hi purple i hope it works out speedily for her, but do want to ask one question - as a nearly 30 year old, shouldn't she be making decisions about treatment herself rather than doing what her mum wants? (of course it may be that she is reliant on you for advice because she can't make good decisions etc that we don't know about) i dont mean my question to be combatative, just interested really - i was diagnosed with a long term condition when i was 24 and i just wonder if i would have listened to anyone else re treatment
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