OH can't deal with my dark side

[Souldarkness]

I am struggling with my wonderful partner right now... he is kind. loving. thoughtful but has no grasp of how my clinical depression is taking over my life. He is becoming angry as he feels he should be able to make me feel better and can't grasp that this is something that happens in cycles and I just can't be my positive happy self all the time (I was in a good phase when we met) I have tried over and over again but it is just not going in, I have written him notes and letters, given him videos to watch but he just thinks I need to adopt a more positive attitude and everything will be wonderful.
Any ideas of ways I can get through to him?

[sandyRoe]

Do you know about Aware? There might be some help there.

http://www.aware.ie/h...pporting_a_loved_one/

[cazzz1975]

Its very difficult for a more 'positive' person to understand depression, I know it isnt helpful but i can see where your OH is coming from. being the person who has to pick you up frequently when your down can be demoralizing over a long period.

what are you doing to help yourself in the meantime?

[Hopkirk]

Your choice of username and Avatar is a bit strange if you are unhappy with your condition.

[andy-hughes]

You need to convince him just how powerful Depresion is.

I have banged on for years about how this condition is mis-named, because is sounds too much like 'depressed' - hence the confusion.

Everyone gets depressed, it's part of the human condition, and it usually can be attributed to an event or circomstances, and it passes quickly. Depression can strike for no apparent reason, with quick and devastating results - nowhere near a simple dark day or two.

People who don;t suffer have no cencept of just how all-encompassinfg an attack can be - it can literally pole-axe the sufferer, leaving them crawling into bed to simply exist until some relief comes, from who knows where.

For me, the condition should have a name that has the same ominous ring to it as Cancer - it is on a par for serious sufferers.

Try a simile for your partner - if 'being depressed' is like a sprained ankle, then Depressioin is like having your foot cut off with a rusty saw - the difference really is that big.

I understand how hard it is for a partner to deal with this dreadful condition, but if he understands that it really is beyond your control (would that it were!) and you do everything you can to fight it.

Good luck and I really hope you can manage to communicate with him successfully.

[Souldarkness]

Av and name are more about my fascination with vampires and other creatures from the darker side of fantasy.

Thank you for the help though I will have to keep trying. I am on meds. had counselling, exercise and take care with my diet so I am doing as much as I can to minimise the effects.

[rowanwitch]

I have sympathy for you... he sounds a bit like my partner some people just don't get it.... think they can take the grey ness away with a cuddle... mostly I deal with it ok... he only wants me to be happy and I think he takes it on himself too much if I am not... Is it a fairly new relationship...only if so it might get better with time if he sees episodes come and go.

[RATTER15]

I have also been in this situation my "ex-partner" suffered from this, I really struggled to cope with it, I understood the depression and how difficult it was for her but it is really so difficult for the partner as well, i'm not happy to admit that it probably was responsible for our separation.

Good luck with you illness and your relationship, I really hope it works out for you.

[Sqad]

\\Any ideas of ways I can get through to him?\\

Unless he is an exceptionally intuitive, intelligent and perceptive character, which few of us are, then you will NEVER "get through to him" ..as you put it .

How can one adopt their lives to one's other half's depression, IBS bouts, migraine, anxiety states.........one can for a short period of time, but eventually the "fit one" finds it is emotionally draining.

Frustration is seen on BOTH sides and although there are these "gifted individuals" who can cope with their OH's depression, it can often lead to sever problems in a relationship.

Again:

\\\Any ideas of ways I can get through to him?\\

Not practical ones.

[rowanwitch]

Just what someone needs to here when they are depressed...that they will be draining for the well partner etc... I think SD is aware this has the potential to cause problems... but one of the core issues in Depression is the loss of perspective that leads to self blame...low self worth SD it is not your fault... if you had diabetes or asthma etc and he knew when you got together you would not be unreasonable in asking him to learn about it and understand it for your safety... the same with depression...after all if he understood it better he would see the signs early and be able to support you in getting the help you need to minimise the severity of episodes

[RATTER15]

Accepted Rowanwitch, you are of course quite right, I apologise Souldarkness, I wasnt thinking!

[Sqad]

rowan

\\Any ideas of ways I can get through to him?\\\

That was the question and the OP had pursued all the avenues.

\\\I have tried over and over again but it is just not going in, I have written him notes and letters, given him videos to watch but he just thinks I need to adopt a more positive attitude and everything will be wonderful.\\\\

My response was what i considered to be a realistic replay rather than going over again what our OP has clearly done.

Just my opinion.

[seadogg]

As a carer, my strategy is to have an outlet which is so enjoyable that one comes back with the tank full, ready to go again. What outlets does he have for recreation?

[cazzz1975]

I have to agree with sqad here, I realise that a depressed person does not need to hear that they are an emotional drain on their partner but it is a fact.

you will have to forgive my ignorance here, All I can see is that if he educates himself on the reality of depression so he can understand her better, it wont improve her condition, it will just stop him suggesting that she take a more positive attitude. he will still be in the same situation, he just wont be allowed to feel frustrated about it publicly.

I do wish you well SD x

[B00]

to be blunt, he might not want to educate himself on depression.

If I had a boyfriend who regularly went "weird" on me, i'm afraid i'd just dump them. I'm of the mind, be it right or wrong, that if it's not a physical illness i can see and do owt about, I really couldn't be bothered trying to fathom it out.

[andy-hughes]

cazz1975 - the issue here is that Depression is far more difficult to deal with, both for the sufferer, and for partners and friends, than a 'standard' disease.

If someone has cancer, or a broken leg, everyone has a reference pioint, knows what goes on, and can act accordingly.

Depression is far more insidious, not least because the outward signs are hidden as far as possible by the sufferer because the idea that people know about it simply adds to the feelings of alienation.

Souldarkness' partner needs to understand her illness in the terms I have described, and of course the 'pull yourself together' approach helps no-one, however frustrated he may be.

Of course the guy is entitled to feel helpless, miserable, unable to help, and all the other reactions that go with dealing with someone with this dreadful disease - but if he understands better, he will be able to accomodate her need for peace and quiet, silence, time alone, and inability to communicate meaningfully.

Part of the side-issue of Depression is fear for all concerned, the sufferer, their partner, and so on, so education can only ever help to dispel the fear for the partner, and help him understand that this condition may be there for a long time, maybe for life, and he needs to get a handle on dealing with it for the sake of their future together.

Of course it's hard, but that is no-one's fault. the reaction to avoid is that the sufferer can in some way 'pull themsevles together' - ttrust me, it's just not an option.

[NOX]

Boo that's dreadfully harsh.

[jno]

I suspect B00 and Sqad are right, non-sufferers can't 'understand' depression however much they may sympathise with the sufferer. You can see a broken arm, you can't see a mind in turmoil.

All the same, he may be able to change his responses to you. But what exactly do you want him to do?

[China Doll]

As someone who has in the past suffered from depression (and who obviously may well in the future as it's nature of the beast and all that), I agree with Sqad and caz. Educating yourself about the condition will take you so far but the emotional impact it can have on others IS a problem.

I think you're doing a great job with having the counselling. Exercise and diet is great too and certainly something I benefited from massively when I had a bad bout a couple of years ago. But another thing I would say is that it IS also important to make an effort to smile and to try and laugh even when it's the last thing you want to do short of putting a rock to the face of ther person trying to get you to smile! I'm speaking from my own personal experience here but I did find the more I smiled when I didn't feel like it, the more I pushed myself to have dinner or lunch with a friend when I absolutely didn't want to be sociable and the more I got up and had that shower and went and did that grocery shop, the better I actually got because people smiled back at me, having a friend to talk to both distracted me (listening to her problems) and supported me (she wouldn't let me be negative about myself, and doing everyday stuff kind of passes the time and makes you feel like you'r being vaguely useful I still obviously had days when I refused to get out of bed as well but not as many. I do think that doing positive things when you least want to benefits you in a positive way, the nature of depression is introspective and entirely focused on the you inside, letting the outside world distract me from time to time was much better than listening to my own head and heart banging on and on ;0)

Good luck!

[ummmm]

I also agree with Sqad, Cazzz and B00.

It's not being harsh...but it's a lot to expect a person to understand something they don't understand.

[cazzz1975]

thank you andy, I do feel though that if he emotionally unloads with his feelings of guilt, misery, helplessness and frustration he will only put her in a spiral of self blame as rowan has mentioned.

I feel he is in a no win situation :(