Crosswords7 mins ago
Horny little panda
A horny little panda was sitting in Bellvue, (Belfast zoo), thinking to himself, "I've been here for seven years now and there is no sign of a mate. I only get a window of a day or two every year and I've had enough".
With that, he bent the bars of his cage, squeezed out and headed for the wall. With a dexterous jump he was over and on to the the Antrim Road, a major thoroughfare into Belfast, where he proceeded to flag down a taxi.
"Take me into town please, I want some action", he said to the driver.
"But you're a panda", replied the driver.
"Very good, well spotted" said our sarcastic panda friend, "and I'm as horny as hell, so take me somewhere where I can get a shag".
Stunned, the driver dropped the panda off at a well known Belfast bar of ill-repute and sped off into the night, not quite believing what he had just seen.
Our bold black and white little pal strolled straight into the establishment, walked right up to the nearly deserted bar and said to a girl who was loitering there, "Are you a prostitute?"
"But you're a panda" stammered the hooker, much like the highly observant taxi driver.
"Brilliant" said the panda, "another one. Are you a hooker or not?"
"Yes" she blurted out, "but you're a panda"
"I know" he said, "and I have needs too, so are we on or not?"
Well, times were hard and bills don't pay themselves so the hooker looked round the nearly deserted pub and said, "Right, lets do it, but we'll need to go back to may place".
They went back to her dingy little flat where he asked, "Have you any grub?"
"There's food in the fridge" she replied.
"Do us a favour" he asked, "escaping from the zoo is hungry work and I'm starving, go and make me something to eat".
"No fcuking chance" she said, "you can go and help yourself"
So, at that, the intrepid little panda went into the kitchen and demolished a week's worth of groceries, leaving a trail of devastation in his wake.
Once he had finished he headed straight for the bed where he ripped off his furry little black and white trousers and proceeded to give her a seeing to of absolutely titanic proportions, which was ironic as they were in Belfast.
Once they had finished he got straight out of bed, pulled on his "clothing" and headed for the front door.
"Hey, where are you going?" asked the lady of the night.
"Where do you think I'm going; I'm back off to the zoo before anyone misses me. See you about this time next year?"
"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked.
"Nope, don't think so" said the panda.
"I think you are" said the hooker.
"Nope" said the panda, "see you later"
"Now hang on a clucking minute" said the girl, "you asked me if I was a prostitute, and I am, but I think you need to look up prostitute in the dictionary because you're missing something here stupid."
She jumps out of bed, pulls a dictionary from her bookcase and flicks through it until she finds "P".
"There" she exclaims, "prostitute - a person who accepts money for sexual intercourse".
"Hmmm" says the panda, "I think you need to look up panda".
"What!" she says incredulously.
"Just humour me" says the zoo-breaker, "and look up panda".
So she does, and there was the definition........................
wait for it..................................
"Large black and white furry creature that eats shoots and leaves".
With that, he bent the bars of his cage, squeezed out and headed for the wall. With a dexterous jump he was over and on to the the Antrim Road, a major thoroughfare into Belfast, where he proceeded to flag down a taxi.
"Take me into town please, I want some action", he said to the driver.
"But you're a panda", replied the driver.
"Very good, well spotted" said our sarcastic panda friend, "and I'm as horny as hell, so take me somewhere where I can get a shag".
Stunned, the driver dropped the panda off at a well known Belfast bar of ill-repute and sped off into the night, not quite believing what he had just seen.
Our bold black and white little pal strolled straight into the establishment, walked right up to the nearly deserted bar and said to a girl who was loitering there, "Are you a prostitute?"
"But you're a panda" stammered the hooker, much like the highly observant taxi driver.
"Brilliant" said the panda, "another one. Are you a hooker or not?"
"Yes" she blurted out, "but you're a panda"
"I know" he said, "and I have needs too, so are we on or not?"
Well, times were hard and bills don't pay themselves so the hooker looked round the nearly deserted pub and said, "Right, lets do it, but we'll need to go back to may place".
They went back to her dingy little flat where he asked, "Have you any grub?"
"There's food in the fridge" she replied.
"Do us a favour" he asked, "escaping from the zoo is hungry work and I'm starving, go and make me something to eat".
"No fcuking chance" she said, "you can go and help yourself"
So, at that, the intrepid little panda went into the kitchen and demolished a week's worth of groceries, leaving a trail of devastation in his wake.
Once he had finished he headed straight for the bed where he ripped off his furry little black and white trousers and proceeded to give her a seeing to of absolutely titanic proportions, which was ironic as they were in Belfast.
Once they had finished he got straight out of bed, pulled on his "clothing" and headed for the front door.
"Hey, where are you going?" asked the lady of the night.
"Where do you think I'm going; I'm back off to the zoo before anyone misses me. See you about this time next year?"
"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked.
"Nope, don't think so" said the panda.
"I think you are" said the hooker.
"Nope" said the panda, "see you later"
"Now hang on a clucking minute" said the girl, "you asked me if I was a prostitute, and I am, but I think you need to look up prostitute in the dictionary because you're missing something here stupid."
She jumps out of bed, pulls a dictionary from her bookcase and flicks through it until she finds "P".
"There" she exclaims, "prostitute - a person who accepts money for sexual intercourse".
"Hmmm" says the panda, "I think you need to look up panda".
"What!" she says incredulously.
"Just humour me" says the zoo-breaker, "and look up panda".
So she does, and there was the definition........................
wait for it..................................
"Large black and white furry creature that eats shoots and leaves".
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