Partner's abusive temper

[Meg888]

http://www.theanswerb.../Question1117697.html

I posted a while ago that I felt my partner had a drink problem, and shortly after this I took ill and he settled down a bit as I was ill for quiet a few weeks, however, as I started to get better his drinking/temper started to flare again. He would just tear me apart verbally and pull to bits my teenage daughter and my family - only to me though, he would never say it to my family's faces. His reasons for feeling such contempt for them are not justified, just petty, but for some reason he would rage about them. My daughter sadly, has quite often been in the environment in such incidents and although he has not directed it at her, she's heard the things he's said about her. A couple of weeks ago he kicked off in a glorious manner, in front of our kids (he has 2) and some friends of ours. I told him I'd had enough, and was not carrying on the relationship. He pleaded with me not to end it, and promised (again) to sort out the drinking and see a doc. I tried suggesting he move out while he sorted himself out, but continue our relationship without involving the kids, but again he said this would just sink him further.

He is making progress with his drinking, he's cut it right down and he saw a doc yesterday. The doc suggested he monitor his drinking, take up some excercise and some St. John's Wort. They've also took some bloods to ensure his sugar levels are ok as he is diabetic. He seems quite pleased with what the doc said, but I don't. I feel he may not have been as specific/honest as he needed to be with them, and I feel they've either fobbed him off or are not aware of how bad the prob is.

At one time, he would acknowledge what he'd said/done wrong but now he thinks I'm just trying to make him feel bad for the things he's done (baring in mind I don't throw it in his face all the time, but obviously we can't discuss it without mentioning certain things) He was a bit upset at my reaction to him seeing the doc. He felt I wasn't supportive enough (I probably wasn't as I was just quiet). It's all well and good him saying I should support him and at least see if the doc's advice will work but in the meantime it's me and my daughter who have to sit and wonder whether he will kick off or not. I'm not sure what I expected the doc to say or do, but I just feel let down.

[murraymints]

poor you..I was in a similar situation with my ex..although thankfully no kids involved..I was isolated as we moved around the country with his job and he even fiddled with the phone so it would not take incoming calls while he was out..a charming man outside but a nightmare behind doors !!! rich successfull etc but to me sheer evil and controlling...I ended up leaving with nothing and rebuilding my life from scratch again..not as rich ..gone is the villa on the med the flash golf club high performance cars and big house..but I am free from his tyranny..you need to be strong and make him realize that words don't do only a radical change in behaviour..good luck..!

[FredPuli43]

Sounds as though he's still drinking. You are right to be suspicious about what he said to the doctor. Alcoholics are very crafty at hiding their drinking and all deny there's a problem . 'Reduce your drinking' is classic advice from doctors. It's fine for social drinkers who just have a bit too much sometimes, but not for those at the start of alcoholism. They have to stop altogether. What would he say, if he were told not to drink at all? (I can guess the answer!)

Classically, nothing will ever be his fault and he will cast himself as the victim in every situation imagineable. Whatever he does is the fault of somebody else. And he'll get angry if he hasn't had his fix of booze soon enough.And angry at the slightest criticism, and he'll find criticism in anything.And angry at any suggestion he drinks more than just a tiny bit more than he should; since he's in denial, he's got a pass key from the doctor and will be satisfied that he really hasn't got a problem.

He has to accept that he has a problem with anger and drinking and he needs to do that before any professional help or help from such as AA will work.

[johnk]

Maybe you've done all you can and it's time to move on? I think your daughter should take priority and if he doesn't like that tough luck!!

[Duncer]

Can only echo what JohnK has said - your daughter is at an age where this tawdry behaviour will affect her deeply, so she must take priority. At worst, your idea about him moving out is well worth consideration.

[Meg888]

He is still drinking, but he has cut down a lot - he goes most nights now without a drink and limits it to weekends. He's also managed not to have a blow up since the last one, but it's not been that long. I heard from his teenage child that he was exactly the same with his ex-wife (who he blames chronically for the marriage break up). She had to take a court order on him to get him out the house. I do love him and we've been through a lot together, and he's overcome a lot of problems since being with me, but for some reason this past year he's been really abusive and threatening, both under the influence and otherwise. We've both had our share of bad luck but now haven't any real problems, in fact life couldn't be better if it wasn't for this. We both have good paying jobs, our finances and home lives are good and our kids are happy - apart from when he tips over the edge. His kids don't often see it happen as they only stop every other weekend. He has spoken to my daughter and made promises to her as well as me, but I can't help feeling a lack of faith in his words. Should the doc not have done more to research what triggers him at least?

[woofgang]

The person has to want to change.....I know thats a tired old platitude but it is true. has he tried AA?

[WELSHYORKIE]

How would he feel if you accompanied him to the doctors? You would then know exactly what is being said and have your say with the doc, filling in gaps that he may leave out, possibly?

[Meg888]

I offered to go with him to the doc if he wanted me to but he said he'd prefer to go alone. It's the answer I hoped for really, as I thought he may hold back if I was sat there, I thought he may be able to confide more to the doc which he maybe couldn't to me. Plus, I've told him he's got to kind of back off and give me some space. He can be very needy and want lots of attention, I'm sure this is half his problem with my daughter. I've told him not to be so involved in my life and that of my family or my daughter.