How To Approach My Husband

[TCoys28]

Lately, my husband has been talking a lot on his sleep. Most of the time, it doesn't make any sense, but a few weeks ago, he said "Babe, I miss you". I asked him the following morning who he calls babe (he doesn't call me babe) and he didn't answer straight away. He kept asking "why". I told him what he said in his sleep, and he just laughed at me. Told me he was probably singing a song. He then got frustrated that I even asked him.
I have been paranoid since and I have never done the following since we've been together - I looked at his phone.
There is someone he has been flirting with via whats app! This morning he told her he dreamt about her!!
This has upset me a lot. I know he hasn't seen her face to face, but this has still proper p***ed me off!

Any advice on what I should say/do?

[Bluestone]

How do you know, for a fact, that he hasn't seen her "face to face"?
I wouldn't say I missed someone if I'd only ever spoken to them via some chat app.

What did the "flirty" messages say?

[JaneDoe2]

oh dear. If you don't say anything to him this will boil up inside you , but if you do then you would have to tell him you've been spying on him. How can you be sure he has not met her? how does he know her number? I would deal with this straight up -tell him you know about the girl he's flirting with and is he going to explain why he feels the need to flirt with someone and is he seeing her. Be prepared for copious amounts of BS. The other alternative is to get hold of his phone , contact the girl pretending to be your husband, tell her you feel you can't carry on with this relationship because you are happily married then delete her number -THEN ask him about her. I personally would do the latter as I know how men can wriggle around things.

[AlwaysConfused]

My husband talks and sings in his sleep. I tell him the amusing things he blurts out, I ignore the rest. I don't mention the things that will embarrass him. Dreams are just that, dreams.

I would avoid peeking at his phone, things can be misinterpreted - like the time my ex hit the roof, reading a text with 'cheers, love you x x x x' in it to my friend Heather, who on my phone was saved as Heath, and therefore thought I was texting/seeing a male.

What are the chances of him meeting her face to face? I wouldn't tell him you've been through his phone, instead I'd mention that his behaviour has been odd and that it has upset you, and that he needs to snap out of it.

[cassa333]

Next time you get a chance to nab his phone... ring the number and talk to her.

All the while you have no evidence he will deny, deny deny.

You either believe his denial or you don't. If you don't then you have to find out for yourself.


I used to work for a well known budget hotel chain and I had a bloke come in and ask to have a room charge taken off as he didn't stay. He went on to tell me that he books rooms with different hotels under different names so that he can take his girlfriend but sometimes forgets to cancel (we charge for non arrivals) and if his wife rings can I tell her it was a mistake on our part.

She rang the same day and I told her that I couldn't refund it as he failed to arrive. After a bit of a discussion she hung up with all the information she needed. However she rang back the next day saying she believed her husband and that a friend had used his card.

She chose to believe the lies he gave her over the information of an independant 'witness'. Blissfull ignorance can bwonderful but in her heart she knew what the truth was. I wonder how long it took to eat away at her?

[TCoys28]

The reason I know that is because he doesn't even have a chance to go and see his mates. He does long hours chauffeuring (we work for the same company).
I know that he has met her years ago, because I recognise her name. I remember him saying that she is his mates ex.
The messages involve around what she's wearing, he's wearing, shopping trips, wanting to be in her warm bed etc etc.
They're friends on Facebook. And she's married also.

One thing I did notice today, he'd deleted previous messages to/from her. I could only see what he sent this morning

[JaneDoe2]

From what you've now said I would definitely get hold of his phone and confront her -or put a message on her FB page . confront your husband and see what he says - then give him some evidence to the contrary-

[Smowball]

I am the worst person for jumping to the wrong conclusion, but he has clearly been contacting her. Do you think this woman knows he is married??

[Bluestone]

I have to be honest, I've never got this whole "my phone is private" business.
I wouldn't have an issue with someone looking through my phone and I think, if you have, then you've got something to hide.
You're his wife, For Funks Sake, you can nose at whatever you like. If he gets defensive and cagey, then clearly he's hiding something.

Saying he wants to be in her warm bed would be the tipping point for me. I'd shove that phone where the sun doesn't shine!
Realistically speaking though, you are married and it would be a bit daft to end the marriage over something as silly as this - that's assuming you are correct and he *hasn't* met up with her!
Ok, so you know she's on his Facebook list. If it were me, I would send her a "friendly message". Tell her you've seen the texts they've been exchanging and that if it doesn't stop you will have no hesitation in informing her husband.

Oh, and add the husband to your friends list too! That should stop her.

[TCoys28]

Well, this morning I did take note of her phone number and I wanted to send her a message to stay away and stop sending him messages, but I haven't, not yet anyway.
I know that if I approach him, he'll just call me crazy and say I'm looking too much into things.
She definitely knows he's married, because a few weeks ago, I posted a picture of him on Facebook and tagged him. She sent him a picture saying that it was a nice picture that I posted of him. How dare she???

[AlwaysConfused]

I would be tempted to get in touch with the woman, but does she know you? If not, it's your husband that needs to be answering the questions, not her

[Smowball]

Tricky, if you can see her FB profile then do you know if she is also married, what area she lives etc?

[Old_Geezer]

I'm finding it difficult to advise since you have already done something wrong which has made you feel bad and which would have to be admitted to if you take this further. And as you are posting here asking for advice I suspect you will need to take it further.

Let us be honest here, whilst it is disappointing to find a partner is paying attention to someone else, it is human nature to find many attractive and the issue is more about how far you go with it before it ceases to be normal and starts to be unacceptable. And folk will not agree on where that point is.

I think what you need to confirm is that this is just a 'innocent' kick for him, a bit of excitement into an otherwise routine life, and not an indication of a problem with your relationship.

I think you need to admit all. Say the talking in the sleep issue made you feel vulnerable so you did, for the first time ever, nose at his private phone data and knows he has been flirting. Calmly say that it upsets you and discuss the significance and whether it is an indication of something you both need to tackle, or just something that you feel hurt about and he can not see why it should have done that.

If you don't talk about how you feel then it is going to fester; so just be up front and honest. Say you need to talk about something that is troubling you and tell him all the above. See what reaction you get and take it from there.

[Old_Geezer]

Having see your further posts, your issue is not really with her, it is with your husband. If she was out to get him and he fending her off it would be different, but it is not. It is voluntary flirting from both sides and it is your husband you need to work things out with.

[Bluestone]

There's not much point in confronting him. He sounds like he'll just manipulate the situation and make it your fault, by saying you are "crazy and reading too much into it".
You have the facts. Text her, phone her, or message her on FB. Either way, make her understand that you will not put up with this any longer.

[Old_Geezer]

If you don't speak to him out of fear it will make no difference, and if that is true that it won't, then the relationship is in trouble anyway. If you scared off this woman soon it'll be another because you've not sorted the core issue.

I stand by my advice that there is one person you need to work this out with, the one you are married to. Fending off his interests one by one may seem ok in the short term, but is a long term lack of a solution.

[TCoys28]

Thanks for all the advice guys.
I just don't understand why he's doing this? We don't have any problems with our marriage. He has always been and still is very protective of me and is very loving. Our friends always comment on how 'lovey' we are with each other.
I'm angry at him and also with her (I don't know her at all).
Maybe I can say he was talking in his sleep and mentioned her name? Then approach him?

[NOX]

the issue here is not this woman it's what you and your husband both want for your marriage and if you even wish to continue it. you may both feel differently about things and the core thing to do is communicate- but getting hysterical and sending her nasty messages will only blow up in your face- so step back, think about things carefully and approach him quietly and non judgmentally to find out WHY he's flirting with this woman. He might be bored, he might want your relationship to end and not know how to do so properly without hurting you a lot, he might simply NOT be flirting with her and you've totally misunderstood or he might not place the importance on it that you do. In any event you won't find out by sending her nasty messages, you'll find out by speaking calmly to your husband, so have a go at that first.
Point of order though I would not DREAM of snooping through a partner's phone and I'd be incandescant if someone did that to me, I think it's an outrageous breach of privacy, so you might want to bear in mind he might not be too thrilled with the phone snooping part.

[Sqad]

This is one of the easy threads.
You have 2 choices.
Confront him and make a "song and dance" about another women who may or may not be factual and be prepared to be dumped.....

OR

Live with your suspicions, not mentioning it to him and if there isn't "another women" then you are smiling and if there is another women then there is the chance, just a chance that he may get fed up with her.

Sorry, there is no easy way out of this for you.

[JaneDoe2]

TCoys28 I've been married quite a while and there have been only a couple of times I've been suspicious of my OH and each time I've hit the problem head on. I just asked right out and each time he had adamant denials. One incident I am sure was vanity flirting and it went no further (much younger girl throwing herself at him) but the other incident I am sure I nearly caught him out in a pub with someone, he said he was going on a lads night out but I forgot my house keys when I dropped him off so had to go to the pub to find him , cue one very anxious OH dancing towards the door when he saw me. After that I pertinently pointed out what he would lose should he decide to be unfaithful and I think he came to his senses . Yes he possibly did sleep with someone else but for me that's not as much of an issue as lying. I've been on the other end of the stick so to speak. An old flame from years ago got in touch through FB about 6 years ago and started flirting. This got dirtier and dirtier and I went along with it because knew it was never going to go any further and was a bit of a distraction, so this could be what your OH is up to, a bit of titillation. Guess what I'm trying to say is let him know you know and then work on 'why'.

[Goonermatt]

Stop beating around the bush and get it sorted.

However you do it, however it pans out, just get it sorted. It'll eat you up otherwise.