Lying So Not To Upset Your Partner?

[Leapers]

Hi

All I seem to be doing lately is moaning about my boyfriend and my friends have had enough so I thought I would turn you ABers to help me out please

I am in a long-distance relationship and i haven't seen my boyfriend for 4 months now, but that is kind of irrelevant. He has lied to me about seeing a woman that I don't like, don't trust and has a bad reputation for being a bit promiscuous with taken men and basically any man really! A couple of years ago I kicked off big time about him seeing her as there were rumours about that they were sleeping together but this turned out not to be true so I think I have a fair point to be suspicuous about her and I asked him not to see her anymore but he still did, (by see her I mean just as friends as there are a few of them work together and go to the pub etc)

Then there was a break for a while with him not seeing her at all that I know of anyway and now that we are long distance and I am not around I think he sees her and lies about it, like if a group of them go out to the pub he's very funny about saying who went sometimes and I have caught him out lying once as a picture came up on facebook, but he knows I would get upset/angry if he told me which I would because he knows how I feel about her.
Is it ok to lie about something like that just so it doesn't start a fight between us because I don't think it is? But he is also very careful about mentioning anything about any female friends that he sees or bumps into which I don't have a problem in the slightest of him having female friends especially as most of them I am friends with too! But he still lies about it!

[IggyB]

I Suspect he thinks you are irrational and unreasonable but still wants to be with you so tries to mitigate the risk og you throwing a wobbly. you are clearly high maintenance, if he can deal with that then you should be impressed

[jim360]

I think the fact that you haven't seen him in four months could be very relevant. You and he are in a relationship, to be sure, but if it is long-distance then for one or other or even both of you, such a long time apart could lead to the relationship being less "real" than it was when you first got together. Perhaps that is why he was seeing this other woman, even if it never went far, and been coy about other female friends he may or may not have been spending time with. Then again perhaps he has been innocently seeing them and feels unfairly accused of fooling around.

At any rate if the trust between you is breaking down, and it certainly seemed to be, that ought to be addressed and fast. How you should go about this I don't know, but probably the best thing to do at first is, rather than confront the issue directly -- things could easily get messy especially if accusations get thrown around -- to try to arrange to meet up soon. It would be a good chance for both of you to remind each other that your relationship is real, to bring it back to the fore. Obviously don't avoid the issue forever but the first thing to do I think is just to ensure you spend quality time together, and only after that can you tell if you want to confront this breakdown of trust more directly or not -- but leave that until afterwards. The next day, in a comfortable situation such as a private lunch or over a movie, and bring the subject up delicately.

From the sounds of things he might even be slightly worried that you are going to be jealous and is being evasive on the issue of meeting other women. I'd try and find out why he is being so evasive, and not assume that he's messing around behind your back to start with at least. If he is of course then you probably should cut him loose, but on your account it's not clear that he has been and indeed the first time it turned out to be false rumours. I wonder how that impacted on him and you both.

I hope this advice is useful, I don't know if it's any good though.

[Leapers]

Thank you both for your quick replies,

I am travelling to see him in the beginning of march as it is the first chance we have had to see each other in all this time and it does feel like it isn't a real relationship anymore, some weeks I talk to just normal friends more than i get to with him although these last couple of weeks have been a lot better.

I do trust him and don't think he has slept with her or any other girl, I just don't like that he lies to me about it to stop me getting angry, if he isn't doing anything wrong then why hide it!
And I am very high maintenance I don't know how anyone puts up with me!

[boxtops]

What do you mean, that you are very high maintenance?

[Leapers]

I'm not really sure on what high maintenance is but people have always said I am, maybe I demand a lot of attention and reassurance about everything all the time, but I am not high maintenance in the demanding for flowers chocolates and expensive gifts all the time that is for sure!

[boxtops]

I think it's a shame that you are so insecure about his seeing this woman you don't like. If you keep going on about it, no wonder he lies if he sees her. It's not unusual for a bloke to have a woman friend, you say he's got others - my best friend's a bloke. You can't dictate who his friends are.

[Zacs-Master]

So what is high maintenance.

[Leapers]

I've got a lot of male friends, he's got a lot of female friends, I don't have any issues with that he can be friends with whoever he wants (although I can see the irony of saying that when I am moaning about one friend)

[Zacs-Master]

Sounds like your jealous.

[Leapers]

I am jealous of some things, he gets to go out a lot more as lots of my friends are all living in the same town as him, and I am stuck in a place I hate living with my parents again with very few friends as the ones i did have here all moved away as well. I am jealous he gets to go out with lots of different people all the time and has fun without me but I wouldn't want him to be unhappy and sat in his house alone all the time.

[Dee Sa]

to me high maintenance means you spend an awful lot of money on yourself to look real good, hair, nails, tan,design clothes, bags and especially shoes.
As for the relationship, what relationship ? you havent seen him for 4 months if you or him had been that keen one of you would have made the effort no matter how hard and even if it was for a few hours.Its time to move on or move in, this is going nowhere.

[Old_Geezer]

High maintenance isn't just conspicuous consumption, it's to do with the large amount effort required to keep you happy.

I am never really happy about not being honest when asked, but can understand that sometimes life is so stressful one decides it may be the lesser of two evils.

Trouble is I can see both sides to this, and so anything I write I can counter also. I think you need to be more trusting, however you get to that state. He needs to be more honest. If after trying both you two are still not happy then maybe it would be better to just get out of it all. Just so long as you don't both go find similar partners and the same old problems.

Meanwhile keep the talking and try to agreed to both act better in the future. And mean it. Seriously if he is not on a date but just socialising in a group there is no issue. Try to create a virtuous rather than a vicious circle, bring the relationship together not drive it apart.

[Old_Geezer]

Reading your last post it sounds to me as if at least some of your discomfort stems from your present lifestyle. Maybe you need to think about what changes are possible to make it better for you. If you are happy with that then you are less likely to transfer your feeling of ill ease to other areas.

[woofgang]

Whatever the truths of this, a long distance relationship is hard work to maintain(personal experience) and it sounds like its not for you. This situation is not a good basis for your or his happiness.

[Eve]

If they work together it could be difficult for him if a load of people are going out from work, as it sounds from your post, for him to then have to say he can't go because of your issues. That or it almost comes down to a her or me situation which is difficult for people who work together on a daily basis when the issue concerns someone they may not even know.

[boxtops]

I've had a long distance relationship (seeing him for a weekend, once a month) and you have to be able to trust each other absolutely, and not keep fretting about what the other person's doing, almost forget about their activities - it's what you do when you're together which counts. Constantly being miserable about him having more fun that you is not going to help your relationship. How long have you been in this relationship?

[TWR]

If he is going to Play around, he can do that at home Leapers, regards his lies, its up to you to find out before the ring gets on your finger.

[TWR]

That a recipe for disaster Desktop????? whatever makes you say that?

[dollie65]

kick him to the kerb..once a liar always a liar you can do better than him....your becoming a doormat ! move on...