I Feel I Am Being Unreasonable, But.................

[happyone2]

Hello,

I need advice please, my partner have been together for 2 years, and have lived together for 11 months of that time.

He is 15 years older than me and left his wife of 34 years to be with me.

During the first few months of living together he visited his wife everyday and i felt that there were 3 in our relationship, and wasnt sure if he had just really wanted to make her realise he was unhappy and to get her be nice to him. She apparently had told him that she wouldnt fight to get him back but if he wanted to come back he was welcome.

We split up for 3 months and then he contacted me and told me that things would be different and he really wanted to be with me.

I moved back in and it has been wonderful, he appreciated that he was not fair to me and has tried very hard to show that i am the most important person in his life.

We are currently in the process of buying a flat together.

However, i still find it difficult that he goes and sees her once a fortnight and generally takes her flowers, takes her out for a meal and stays for 4 - 5 hours.

He says that i should not mind, she is in her 70s, has not dealt with being alone and needs his support...........and that he loves me and wants to be only with me for the rest of his life. He hasnt divorced her, has no intention of divorcing her but has agreed to change his will when we buy the flat.

i feel i should be magnanimous and feel sorry for her ( his words) but i cants and i feel im being unfair but cant stop myself even tho he has been so good about supporting me.

i dont know what to do with myself.

[pastafreak]

You're going nowhere in this relationship. ....
' he hasn't divorced her,has no intention of divorcing her.' To me that sounds like a lack of commitment,or he just is notnsure ,and is waffling. You either need to end this now..or sit down with him and discuss just how committed he is to you.

[pastafreak]

I should say...take it from one who knows. 34 years is a long time,they have been through a lot together,and all that is not easily cast aside. He may ultimately feel a stronger,safer connection with her.

[woofgang]

cake and eat it........ultimatum time i think.

[Sqad]

I agree with pasta in that his actions to his wife is unreasonable.

There is little that you can do about it.......so live with it.

[ChillDoubt]

I can only surmise that as he has left her but wants to remain amicable then his visits to her ought to diminish in frequency and he spend more time with you, not maintain a bond with her by regular, frequent visits.

[boxtops]

Why should you feel sorry for her? She still has him in every way you describe. People who say "things will be different" very rarely change.

Stop buying the flat, why are you moving in with a man who doesn't want to divorce his wife? He really is having the best of both worlds.

Wake up, move out, and move on.

[Kathyan]

If you did buy a flat together and he stays married to her, surely she would still have rights to his share?

[ummmm]

Maybe he doesn't want the hassle of divorce.

34 years is a long time to turn you back on, especially if he still cares for her.

[boxtops]

I do agree, ummm, and divorce can be expensive - but being in your 70s doesn't make you needy, he's not giving his wife a chance to go out and make her own new life. She sounds very casual about it "I won't fight for you but you can come back if you want to".

[happyone2]

thank you, she says she doesnt want to fight for him, but she certainly knows how to wind him up and i know it stresses him......... but she didnt marry him til she was older and had not had a boyfriend before that and its okay to have to start again when you are younger, like i did..............but not so easy i feel when you are in your 70s.

She did try to black mail him into taking her out to functions with her when we were first together, but i put my foot down when i returned and said no social events and you see her only when im at work.............. and he has stuck to this since then.

I do understand how hard it is for her, and i do understand and wont deny that they of course have a bond.......... i did and do with my ex husband without needing to see him and im happy for him that hes remarried.

i suppose i feel that i should be able to just let this pass, he is the only man for me and i love him so very very much.............. and the only thing ever we argue about it this .................and i give him grief about it which upsets us both.. i blame her for that, but you know really i cant blame her..........although obviously if she hadnt put him down so much perhaps he wouldnt have come to me.........

i believe he loves me with all his heart................. i really do believe that.!! but he doesnt want her to suffer because as she says "youve got what you want and am happy but ive got nothing" ( except of course the marital home, her 30K pension and the family pet

[woofgang]

Earth calling OP......earth calling OP........are you receiving me OP????? this is your reality check calling........

[pusskin]

In your position happyone, i wouldnt venture into a buying a flat untill I felt really secure. Good luck with whatever you decide to do! x

[ummmm]

Would you feel better if she lived in a council flat, had no private pension and your BF took the family pet.

Money doesn't buy happiness.

[albaqwerty]

You surely cannot be expecting him to rub out 34 years of married life?

You also say 'although obviously if she hadnt put him down so much perhaps he wouldnt have come to me.......'

He must have suffered 34 years of being put down quite happily then, he could have moved out within that time.

He's changing his Will after you've bought the flat? Seriously?
She could still make a claim anyway.

Cake and eating it.

[Dee Sa]

am I the only one who feels sorry for this 70 yr old woman who after 34 years of marriage has to cope on her own ? you are the cause of the break up yet you are feeling sorry for yourself, what is the age difference between you and "your man" ? if was her I would have been round on your doorstep to tell you your fortune long ago. You think he will change his will, I doubt it and doesn't it sound a bit "money grabbing" that already in the relationship you are talking about wills ?

[puzzled54]

Yes you are unreasonable. You are messing around with a married man.

[shinymanone]

As I man who has been through a similar situation as your partner (leaving long-term marriage, to start a new relationship).
TRUST your instincts!
Sorry to be crude, but he "needs to s..t or get off the potty"!
In short, grow up!. Point out that he apparently, couldn't resolve his issues with his wife in 34 years, and chose you, supposedly, for that reason.
Now he is trying to "have his cake and eat it".
You, should put your foot down "decision time buddy", move on, with me, or move back".
if he REALLY cares about you, there will be no decision for him to make, if not, you are well-shut of an indecisive ditherer, before you get any deeper into your relationship with this guy.

[happyone2]

Thank you for your replies.............. no situation is ideal and I believe no one person is at fault, merely all are dealing with a situation that has arisen ......

None of us should stand in judgement and no one can say how a marriage really works behind closed doors..................and how happy or unhappy it really is................. I feel for all of us in this.

however, I have given that ultimatum and a lot of the issues have now been resolved.......it needed me to have the courage to confront them so thank you.