The 'uncommitted Relationship' Stage!

[sarah-london]

Hey all.

Been wracking my brains over this one n thought I'd get the opinions of people that don't know me. More impartial maybe.

Sooooo been dating a guy since the beginning of Oct. All going well. He's currently separated from wife (just 8 months though). We've discussed this and in all honesty that doesn't play on my mind. The thing for me I guess is I'm being very mindful and understanding of the fact that's he's 'newly single' and allowing things to develop slowly. However, how slow should I take it? I really do like this guy....and want things to develop but I'm worried if I apply too much pressure he'll get scared n go in the opposite direction. At the same time not getting any younger n want to feel settled.

Such a frustrating situation. Just wondered if any guys had any pearls of wisdoms or indeed any females having been in a similar situation?

I guess I don't want to get so frustrated I end things cos it's 'easier'.

Thanks everyone.

[murraymints]

Just how close do you want ? After only a few months it's early whatever the circumstance

[sarah-london]

I guess it's more about knowing you're on the same page......there's no point one of you dating the other with a view to it leading onto something more stable and the other person not having those same feelings and having no intentions of it leading anywhere. I'm not even sure that makes sense?

[murraymints]

You should really be able to sense that by now....how often do you see him ?

[sarah-london]

And this is where I don't get guys! I very gently (fairy like) broached this subject with him over Xmas as basically I needed to know where I stood. He said we were on the same page but his actions don't really back it up. I know I sound like a proper girl now. Am I being paranoid? For me, I just don't wanna waste my time.

[B00]

Wasting your time? How? by being with someone who you at least like and have a good time with? How is that wasting time?

[snags]

Reading your previous threads, you should forget about men for a while and take up something else like knitting.

[VHG]

I split up with my wife about 35 years ago and got into another relationship quickly.

However with two children involved, and all the hassle of a divorce, and finding a new place to live, I found it hard to get too committed to this new partner.

Our relationship was on and off for many months (she would live with me for a while, then move back to her parents, then come back to live with me).

In the end she fell pregnant after we had been seeing each other for about 4 years and we got married.

So it was about 4 years between me meeting her and getting married (we are still together after 28 years of marriage).

However don't underestimate how difficult it is to split up from your husband / wife, and how much it affects you life. For a long time you feel a failure and are scared to get too deep into another relationship.

You have only been seeing this guy for about 3 months or so, which is nothing really, so you should not even be THINKING about your long term future, just enjoying your time with him..

I have to say if you start putting too much pressure on him you will drive him away.

So back off from the pressure, make life with him FUN, try to make him forget his failed marriage, and maybe when all the divorce etc. is over he may think about settling down again.

But it may take him a couple of years.

[Sqad]

\\\\He's currently separated from wife (just 8 months though). \\\

Yeah! right.

If he is now a "free agent" he will be playing the field and you will not be the only "contestant."

He will choose if your relationship has any future.....not you.

Are you having sex?

The best that you can do is to look good, smell good and perform on the stage when given the chance.............then you might...just might, be the chosen one.

[murraymints]

Good advice from vhg....:-)

[murraymints]

Sqad ....thought you might have a golden thought or two !lol x

[dave50]

You are correct Squad. Also it depends on the circumstances of his split with his wife. Who initiated the split? Did she run off with someone else or was it a case of them just growing apart and was it amicable? Was he hurt or not bothered?All these things have a bearing on what he wants to do now.

[boxtops]

Too soon, Sarah, much too soon. A relationship split takes time, 8 months is very little time. Don't push it, just enjoy it for what it is at the moment. You've known him for half the time he's been separated from his wife (and he is still legally married to her, so no way is he making long term plans yet, too much to deal with before that can happen). Just go with the flow - what do you expect to happen after so short a time?

[boxtops]

sqad, not every man has rampant loins, believe it or not as you will. IMO men can and are be very selective about starting off again. A friend who split from his wife last year has gone into another monogamous relationship and is very happy. That's not unusual.

[sarah-london]

Thank you very much VHG for sharing. It's good to get another perspective. I also understand what yore saying about feeling like you've failed as that's very much the impression he gives.

It's difficult cos you feel stuck between a rock n a hard place. You've met someone you really like but circumstances mean things are sllooooooow! Reasons for the split was that he wants a family and she didn't so he broke it off. He's quite open in saying that as she didn't want the things he did, he's gonna go out there and find someone that will. Simples.

In terms of me being the 'only contestant'....I'm honestly not that naive. I don't imagine for one minute that this guy has split from wife and I've been the only one he's dates HOWEVER, doesn't mean I have to like it! I don't think most guys would like to think the girl they are 'seeing' is also 'seeing' other men.

As I said previous tho I just don't wanna get so frustrated that I call time.

[Sqad]

\\\\sqad, not every man has rampant loins, believe it or not as you will.\\\\

boxy.......have have I said that? Just look at some replies in this section and it is clear that "some men's" loins are purely secondary.

I give my opinion from my experiences as everyone does, I would assume.

Perhaps it would please you if i didnt post in Relationship and Dating?

[boxtops]

Sqad, that wouldn't please me at all, but you do often give the impression that given half a chance, most men, married or not, are putting it about willy-nilly, or would if they had the chance!

[ummmm]

Sqad just likes to be controversial...

Sarah...I think 4 months is far too soon to be expecting to feel settled.

Just enjoy what you have and let it develop naturally and like B00 says, if you're enjoying it then you're not wasting your time.

[Sqad]

,// but you do often give the impression that given half a chance, most men, married or not, are putting it about willy-nilly, or would if they had the chance! //

Have you any evidence to dispute this?

[sarah-london]

Thanks all. You get mixed bag of advice from people who know you. Most of my mates are saying that I should be pushing things along even tho I'm happy to go slow. I guess I'm surrounded by many people whom 'fell' easily into relationships. Eek'

[woofgang]

He's not single, he's separated. Everything he has told you, you only have his word for.
My advice to you is to concentrate on developing your own happy single life before thinking about settling with a partner. totally relying on anyone else for your own happiness is the route to disaster.