A Bit Confused

[Otrere]

This is more for the females among us, but if you asked your partner this question:

"Is it more of a turn on if the woman initiates sex?"

What would your partner say?

My husband said "Errrr... dunno.... depends on the mood?" (!!) and I was hoping for a straightforward yes or no!

(What is wrong with the man?!!)

[Scarlett]

I think they like it, but not all the time as they may feel they lose some of their masculinity??

[nedflanders]

Depends if its your wife or another female who initiates it!  Sorry that was my testosterone tainted answer.  I would say yes but not too often as Scarlett has said.  I think it is healthier for a relationship for both to initiate as opposed to only one person all the time.

[MORELLO]

I agree with ned'

[georgit79]

me too. Give and take, and all that. I wouldn't feel comfortable initiating it all the time. For example, I initiated it yesterday, but he waited for the green man and then crossed the road, avoiding eye contact with me. Oh yes, it was a stranger.

 

(...I told you they drugged my lunch..)

[iwbus]

It all depends on the situation, variation is the key so it's not always the same person that initiates it but speaking personally I'd be over the moon if the missus came home and dragged me off to bed! Saves me a job!

[ARSENAL]

Its great for both people involved to initiate sex at different times.  It means you both want one another still and you are both receptive to each other and fancy each other.  It is cracking when women start it.  Especially early in the morning.  My missus wants it all the time anyway.  It does my head in.  I'm getting old now!!  Hope this helps.

[Otrere]

OK - thanks for your replies. Now I shall elaborate a bit.

Its been 18 months now since hubby and I did the deed. I am very depressed about it. He says its not me, he still fancies me and he loves me to bits, but just that he's always knacked and he just can't get himself in the mood. I've tried every type of seduction from sexy undies to romantic dinners, etc. etc. To be honest I don't even want to try any more for fear of rejection yet again.

We've been married nearly 2 years (in September) and our daughter will be 3 in November, yet I wonder how I ever fell pregnant in the first place. Things were great for about the first 8 months and then sex life just slowly started petering out and now has come to a complete standstill.

He gives me cuddles and kisses but that is as far as it goes. I know he loves me but I feel so unsexy and unwanted and alone.

I asked him my originally posted question last night and that was his answer.

Where do I go next?

[georgit79]

Oh Otrere, poor you. This is horrible, and you must be feeling really low.

Your husband has told you he still loves you, right? So there's nothing to worry about in that respect, but I can still get why you're feeling unloved and unwanted. Sexual relations are always an important factor at any stage of a relationship, so you need to address this. How does he react when you try to initiate sex? Does he try to pretend it isn't happening, or is it more of a straightforward 'Not tonight, love'?

[Otrere]

Hiya georgit

Thanks for answering - yes, he does love me - there is no question of that, but its been a while since I tried to initiate it simply cause I am fed up of feeling unwanted/rejected but from what I can remember he used to grunt that he was too tired and turned away from me.

[nedflanders]

Doh! wish i hadnt tried to be a smarta$$ with my first line, didn't mean to be insensitve.  I think you need to sit him down and "talk" about exactly what the problems is.  We men hate the "talk" word but sometimes it is a neccessary evil that we have to bear.  Hope you get it sorted out.

[Otrere]

Ned - don't worry - you weren't to know - wasn't exactly specific in my first post.

I have really tried to talk to him about it. Told him how much it upsets me etc. etc. - been through it all with him.... and still I remain celibate. He also did the typical "squirming in his seat" thing when I mentioned the word 'talk'. Hehehehe.

I am trying to stay positive but some days it just really gets me down.

I dunno - you MEN! ;oP

[nedflanders]

Tar, Brush, Paint, Don't. It's good to talk, it keep things fresh and stops a build up of resentment for any reason(s).  Just don't enjoy it at the time!  Why am I the only one giving my opinion? come on women of AB get your agony aunt hats on and help out !

[lady_p_gold]

I have quite a lot of experience in life ... and my view is that there is more to this.  The first thing I would want to know is, what outlet is he having.  It is unlikely that he has become celibate, so he is either having a sex life on his own, or I am sure you must have had doubts as to whether something else was going on.    Is he staying up late on the computer or acting differently in other ways, or could he maybe depressed ... whatever the reason the only way you will know is if he tells you.  I would ask for honesty, for the sake of your daughter, if he would please let you know what he is feeling.  He may be wanting to talk but cannot bring himself to.  Maybe if he thinks it is really getting serious he might be jolted into talking ..  The other thing I would say is, do not doubt your own attractiveness and start to feel that you are somehow to blame.  Have you thought of speaking to Relate ?  If he could come with you that would be even better, although it does not sound as if he will.  Eventually you will start to feel resentment if he shuts you out, and then I know only too well how things can deteriorate.  You sound like a very nice person, so he is lucky to have you and that is the way to think of yourself.  Sadly, if he continues along this path of non-communication he may lose you one day, everyone needs to feel wanted and included, I wonder if he realises that.    Hopefully you will manage to open up the lines of communication, I really hope so.

[Scarlett]

I agree with lady P. 18 months is a long time, and there IS more to it than just tiredness. I think you should ask him to be straight with you and tell him that you are feeling very unloved and alone. It is not healthy to feel this way in a relationship, irrespective of the reason. If he still refuses to give you an answer, then ask him, for the sake of your daughter, to come to Relate with you, OR even go on his own, since the issue is really with him. He cannot bury his head in the sand about this anymore. Give him an ultimatum.Let us know what he says..

[Andy008]

I can't say I've ever been remotely dissapointed when a reasonably attractive woman has even so much as hinted that she might like to sleep with me.