true love part two

[merdok]

this is the 2nd part of a 2 part question, the first part is entitled "true love? or love lost."

Since we split up I've been trying to enjoy the single life, I havent been able to bring myself to sleep with anyone though, I want sarah, the problem is, I dont want the relationship we left behind, even now (we still see each other quite a bit) she'll start an argument over nothing, I want her, but I cant help feeling that I'm better off moving on, but what if it is something we can change? or... what if I'm just too apathetic to see that I'm to blame and if it is my fault and I'm too lazy to change, does that mean I dont love her enough?

If i'd been in a relationship before sarah I might have a bit of perspective, but we were so young when we got together she is all I know. I need some advice people, what would you do in my situation?

[lady_p_gold]

Someone once told me that what you learn from a relationship you can only put into practice in the next one, and I think in your case it is time to move on.  As you do not have anything to replace the good things she makes you feel, you are naturally missing that.  But you said it yourself 'I don't want the relationship we left behind'.  But that is the relationship between you - it will not change, people may adjust slightly but their fundamental characters do not really change.  So ... she can still be a friend but it is time to close this chapter I feel.

[kick3m0n]

IF you both want things to work out, then go for counselling together (cos you guys both have serious issues to address).  otherwise, just accept that it was a first love that was never rmeant to be, and move on.  I'd reccommend NOT to continue seeing each other at all for several months at least, as this will just stop you going anywhere productive with your lives.

[jno]

you seem to have analysed yourselves and your reationship acutely, but as for what to do about it... Good counselling may be able to show you how you can adapt your behaviour to suit each other, but it seems you may have worked this sort of thing out already. So it's a matter of how much you want to change to please each other. If you're not prepared to, you should probably conclude that your relationship has gone as far as it's going to; for a longer-lasting one, you have to be prepared to compromise and compromise again. It sounds as though you should find someone better suited to you temperamentally.

[merdok]

Thank you all for your comments, I think I already knew the answer to this, I guess I just needed to hear someone else say it.

I guess its time to move on then :(

[stevie21]

Sounds like you miss having a relationship, just not the particular one you were in. Going back would be a mistake unless you could both change.

I'd move on.

[Englishbird]

Hi merdok, this is a really hard one.  I've read all the answers and my instinct was to agree with the answers on this post and move on.

But the answers from tigerthecat have struck a nerve with me and I can't help feeling that all is not lost.

I have struggled with low self esteem problems all my life and it has shapped everything i have ever done.  I was on and off with my ex from the age of 21 to 28 and if only he'd had the compassion you are showing now, my life could have been a lot different.

I understand that she will become defensive if you broach this subject, but that's not constructive and she has to accept that.  you have to find a way to talk about it - maybe in writing, if face to face becomes too argumentative. 

As someone else has said, it comes down to a case of whether you want to or not.  If you've just had enough now and are exhausted then you'd be putting both of you through more hell for no reason.  If you are both committed to being happier people then there's some work to put in.  Councilling is not a quick fix.  It's taken me a year of it to come out the other side, it's a process and one that at times can feel worse than the original problem.

Love, unfortunately, doesn't conquor all, but it is special, some people never find it. I think the question is whether or not you are both capable of, and have the inclination or not to give it 'one last go'.  Maybe she needs to be on her own to sort her problems out? I'm sorry as i don't feel i'm being much help at all, but i do wish you both the best and hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do x x

[merdok]

Its quite a difficult decision to make, no scratch that, its one hell of a difficult decision. I obviously wanted to hear what tigercat and Englishbird had to say as in an ideal world I want her back, but I also feel that the other side could be right as well.

I'm still torn. Hopefully her counselling for her nerves will help with the other problem, I just want to be back with her so badly at the moment.

[Sasha Mills]

I'm not sure how old you are, but if you are as old as I think, I think I've been you at one time.

I was so deeply in love with my first girlfriend (who ironically was called Sara), that it took me nearly 4 years to get over her. That 4 years was most of the time I was at University, and because of my hang-ups, I missed out on a lot of fun.

Since then I've fallen deeply in love with 2 other women, and both times have been let down. It's OK, I know there's someone out there - I enjoyed finding out.

There's nothing wrong with giving your heart to someone, nothing at all, it shows that you are a human being rather than a machine. The mistake is to let rejection put you off. It is a mistake to dwell on a past that is not suited to you.

Keep looking - you'll one day find the 'Sarah' or whatever name she goes under you deserve. Until then, have fun, take risks, but above all, do not dwell on a bad past.