After Years Together, And Then You Realize You Never Really Knew Him.

[arwyn]

Let down again with another massive issue in which he never backed me.
I can't respect him these times.. He has never backed me up in anything.
Has anyone had anything similar? Is the only answer to split up?

[arwyn]

Thanks for your advice x

[Prudie]

need far more info, hasn't backed you with what or against whom?

[woofgang]

Is it a deal breaker? then walk. If not, don't.

[bednobs]

perhaps he hasn't backed you because he simply can't - it goes against his principles?

[arwyn]

The first time his mother told his Dad that I'd been screaming and swearing at her on the phone. My Hubby was next to me and knew I'd spoken in a very calm and respectful manner. My husband as never ever told them the correct story.

The second time his Dad asked me to get some companies out for estimates on stair lifts. I did this but he said he got loads of other companied calling him because I'd order loads of other help for him. My husband knew the truth and stood there while his Dad played hell with me.

The 3rd time was when his Mam died and the Dad asked me to help organize the funeral, finances and putting everything in his name etc. I did everything and was then made fun of for taking over. My husband said nothing.

The 4th was when it was believed I'd had a stroke, I couldn't look after myself and he choose to work 80 hours every week for months. We didn't need the extra money. But every day he left me alone.

[scorpiojo]

What did he say when you asked him why he hadn't supported you, arwyn?

[arwyn]

I have nothing to do with his family now so those episodes wont happen again. I never fell out with them, his Mam died and I just keep out of the Dads way as we don't live near him.
We're or should I say I'm having disputes with the people next door, while he peeps around the corner.

[woofgang]

Sounds like you should have left years ago.

[scorpiojo]

...and that you've had enough.

[arwyn]

scorpiojo, which event do you mean.?
The events with his parents he just never really replies when I ask him.

The time I was been treaded for a suspect stroke, he said he worked so much so we could have a holiday BUT we already had money. whilst we were being shown my brain scan he sat on his Phone texting------ His reason was because he never really thought much would come of the scan.

[jourdain2]

That's a good question scorpiojo. arwyn - you need a good talk with him, but you have to realise that it could be terminal if it goes wrong. To be honest, it doesn't sound too good,, you have been taken for granted and then it has gone further into turning you into , well almost a servant. I'm reluctant to interfere. Is it possible to ask him why he has been leaving you alone to cope? You may not like the answer. I hope all will be well for you.

[Prudie]

It sounds like he doesn't like confrontation and that must have always been his personality. The fact that he won't have a shouting match with someone on your behalf doesn't mean he doesn't care for you and expecting partners to fall out with parents is always dodgy ground.Maybe he doesn't care but I don't think that's shown by the examples you've given except for the long working hours,,,maybe

[arwyn]

Thank you all for confirmation of what I guess I already knew.... xx

[Old_Geezer]

On the one hand he sounds conflict adverse. Perhaps you are the strong one in the relationship. On the other hand there is his lack of emotion, such as when you had the scan; I wonder if he is a bit psychopathic.

Have you never discussed this calmly with him ?

[arwyn]

Jourdan, he swears that he meant well by working all the hours while I was recovering. He said he thought a holiday would do me good. BUT we had enough money for him to have took some time off and have a holiday.
This week I began driving again for the first time in a year and he said *oh good*
Every few month we talk about splitting up, I give him the option, I tell him he won't be homeless as we'll get him a nice flat. He swears he'll put more effort in--------- he does for a month or so but I know the real him is the one who puts no effort in..

[arwyn]

old geezer does that mean he's mad? Yes I'm the strong one. He has no interest in his sister who's really ill,

[arwyn]

I was on the stroke assessment ward for 5 hours, he sat texting, Doctors were asking him questions but he was unaware as his head was down texting his work mates..... There's definitely not another woman as he shows me the texts all the time.

[Old_Geezer]

No I mean does he has difficulty empathizing with others and more focused on achieving goals.

[arwyn]

He never has goals for himself, but his life revolves around him and making his life easier. Every thought he has or says is about him. He'll say things like *we won't walk there because it'll be a struggle for you* === but he means *we wont walk there because I cant be arsed*........... He knew his mother was dying and he never rang or visited much.... Now his 43yo sister is seriously ill and he's seen her once since xmass.

[jourdain2]

arwyn - oh dear! I think you may have a hard row to hoe.
When I told my first husband (sweethearts since schooldays aged 16 and then married for 3 years) that I was expecting our first child he said (to my quivering, expectant person) 'Oh, well done, congratulations.' Many years later he admitted that he was a 'cold fish', by then it was a bit late. We lasted over 25 years with huge goodwill on my side. Eventually it ground to a halt, recognition both sides.

I have now (2013) married a wonderful, empathic man - but he is 81 and I'm 65 and it has taken many years and 'life' on both sides.

I hope that we have many years before us. Whatever befalls I am at last happy in my personal life. Good luck!