secrets - do they always need to be told?

[gemmabe]

i have a painful secret from my childhood which has caused me lots of mental health problems since (I am now 21). When I get close to someone I always feel the need to tell the person so they can see the real me, the full picture etc. In the past this has backfired on me with people taking it fine but down the line they use it to blackmail me. I plucked up the courage to tell my then partner this secret earlier in the year, and he was great. I trusted him completely. Only he has turned really nasty, refusing to say why he has ended our relationship and saying I'm the biggest mistake he's ever made. This guy is a lot older than me and I thought I could rely on him no matter what. All this in itself has made me pretty upset but today he has threatened me that if I ever contact him or his new partner again he will tell everyone. How can I ever trust anyone with this, or anything else, again? I just feel like I am cursed with the things I bring on me. Do you have to tell everyone everything about you, especially those close to you, so they can really understand you? That is how I feel, you see. Or is it best to hold some things back, and some things are unnecessary to say? I suppose if someone really loves you, they love you no matter what. I also suffer from OCD which causes me to have repetitive thoughts and makes all this worse. Sorry for rambling everyone.

[dove]

I also have secrets that I have confided in people.  Iam 37 and have been too open all my life, according to my mum.

I have also been hurt and let down by "friends" However I still am open and honest to everyone I meet.

In my mums words, "Keep yourself to yourself , and dont tell anyone anything, thats your private business"

However, I still tell everyone everything, it is part of the person that I am.

I would say that I wish I hadnt told so many people, BUT, I cant change the person that I am. (however much I wish I could sometimes)

[spangle111]

Why not try some counselling to try and banish your demons love, some people are rotten and don't deserve either your love or your loyalty but I think you need to take time out to heal yourself before going into another relationship. Take care love and remember there are some good, kind and trustworthy people out there and you will find the right one eventually xx

[tigerthecat]

A good therapist (via a referral from your GP) can often help with putting things in perspective. Its not about how much someone lovesyou that makes them capable of overcoming issues in your past. Some people just don't have the understanding or capacity to cope.

[mycatis]

I know exactly how you feel gemmabe, I also have a horrible secret and I feel like I should/want to tell people when I get close to them. But I told my ex and like yours he said some evil things to me later when we were finishing. I really dont know whether it's best to keep it to yourself but I never told anyone again. sorry if this hasn't helped but just wanted you to know you're not alone. good luck with the future x x

[flump1]

Hello gemmabe,it is such a shame you have this burden and by the sound of it ,it is not lessening for you.I like you had something I wanted to bury or reveal and I chose to reveal it. Unlike your partner mine was understanding,I am lucky. These secrects can cause pain either way,revealed or buried and it is a painful process as to whether you tell or not. The recent relationship break up sounds painful too you poor love so you do feel battered and bruised.You are not cursed. You might be surprised at how many aches and pains we all suffer looking for our ideal partner.Blackmailing you sounds harsh. Are you having any help from your Dr with the OCD? A good Dr might recommend you talking these things through with a therapist. It sounds like you have more than one issue to contend with.As to whether you tell or not that is personal , down to the individual.  Don't apologise for rambling!! That's what it's here for.Ramble some more if you feel like it but I do think you need to talk these things over with your GP . Good Luck

[flump1]

sorry for the echo! crossed posts! I did not mean to repeat all the answer already given!

[Suzysue]

I don't think there are many people in life who don't have their fair share of dark secrets. I know I do. In life, its not what happens to you but more how you deal with it. And as the others have suggested, I think it may be important for you to seek some counselling regarding your past. This way you will be able to lay whatever it was to rest and look ahead to the future. Once you are able to accept the past is the past, you may not feel the need to tell anyone who gets close to you your secret. Don't let something that is no longer happening continue to dictate your life. Also, it seems likely that your OCD is linked to these past issues - therefore the counselling will be able to help you on many levels. Stop beating yourself up and fight it by getting help soon.  

[gemmabe]

Thank you to all of you who have replied. You are all very kind. How sad that strangers can show so much more compassion that someone who claimed to love you.

[badgerchops]

i too have secrets, some so enormous that only a handful of people know.  I find it hard to keep quiet, sometimes slip up but ultimately keeping this can of worms closed is probably better. 

Dont rush in to telling people personal things about you... build trust, mutual trust and then see if any historical bad times need to be brought up.  You dont need to delve in deep and leave yourself vunerable.  be your current self, not the girl from 10 yrs ago.  You have probably moved on more than you realise but are always asking for reassurance of that.  trust yourself, trust close friends or talk to a third party. i am not saying be a closed book as its a thin line but protect your own feelings, heart and mind... its you who is important, not the new person in your life.

This man is not someone you need, not someone who will ever give you the much needed support - i hope you can see this with his actions, not matter how hard it is at the moment.

there are certain men (and women too) who find vunerable people and use that relationship to their gain.  until your stronger keep your personal cards close to your chest... its not who you are... it may have been who you were in perhaps a situation beyond your control, but its not who you remain for the rest of your life.

Take care and be strong

[georgit79]

I too have a secret (well, it's not a secret as such, just something I don't find it necessary to blurt out upon meeting someone) that only my family and one close friend know about. However, I feel that it is important to tell someone I get close to, because in the long run, it could affect both our lives (it is a hereditary thing). If people can't accept the things you feel important enough to share with them, then they are not worthy of your time or affection.

[ursula62]

Gemmabe, there are good people and bad people in this world. You meet a cross section. If you don't trust people, then you are the one who suffers. Whatever you do, don't let this experience with this ratbag stop you from trusting people and being open. But... telling partners things from the past isn't always a good idea, especially if you still have open issues about it. They may have their own issues which conflict with yours, and sometimes they feel too close to be any help to you, or feel overwhelmed.

If you need to tell someone past secrets, try calling the samaritans as it's anonymous. They will listen without judging, and if you ask them for help they will try and help you to arrange it for yourself.

The GP thing is a good idea, but bear in mind you could wait anything from 8 weeks to 6 months for a counsellor's appointment. Does the company you work for have any life/work balance services? Some companies have a counselling telephone help line where you can get initial free counselling sessions - and they are not allowed to tell your firm who you are or what it's about, just that one person in the firm used their services that month.