Elderly Mum Seeking Attention?

[peachybabe]

Hiya. Got a bit of a problem which I want to run past you all. My Mum often complains about things being done/vandalised in her garden. Well, she told me about someone having ripped up some plants from a pot on her patio and that they had been thrown over onto Her next door neighbour’s patio. The next day when she told me about it, I ran down there and retrieved the little cctv camera that I put up in her kitchen window a while ago to catch anyone that was doing all the horrible things. Mum has been most insistent over the last few days that there was problems with the camer, that she didn’t think it was worth watching as it wouldn’t have got anything, etc. I have managed to download footage from the camera on the date in question, time and date stamped. (You probably already know where this is going!). Yep, caught her on camera just before 9pm ripping up her own plants and throwing them into her neighbours! Unfortunately it’s as clear as day because the outside light went on when she went out there and there’s a beautiful full face shot as she comes back in! What do I do???

She’s 83, and I took early retirement a year ago to help her out. I take her out at least 4 times a week, and my calendar is filled not with my appointments, but hers. Doctors, opticians, clinics, hospital, hair salon, etc.

[murraymints]

oh dear.. you need to speak to her..clearly attention seeking, she remembers and knows she's doing it too given her reluctance to review the camera... perhaps viewing it together will prompt her to explain why...

[murraymints]

perhaps she suffers some kind of separation anxiety or similar ? recently widowed ? would she be better in sheltered accommodation with a bit of company on hand at all times ?

[Mamyalynne]

Presuming she is otherwise compos and able to understand, I'd say you had watched the footage and ask her what she thinks should happen next.

[Mamyalynne]

The sheltered idea is a good one if she is agreeable.

[mjru]

I think supervised living is a bit drastic at this stage, but think she does need the footage addressing and depending on her response you will probably be able to tell whether she has some age realated metal health issues or whether she craves your company

[peachybabe]

She’s in semi sheltered accommodation already, and I spend at least 50% of my waking hours with her. She’s very spiteful in general; not a good word to say about anyone, including the neighbours who take her in for coffee etc. when I’m not there. I’ve caught her out with her lying about different things for ages, but when I confront her, she totally denies it. Even when I provide evidence! I don’t want any medals for what I do for her, which is an awful lot, but I really do think that she is taking advantage of me.

My brother lives in America, and my sister lives about 30 miles away but won’t join in with Mums care.

It really putting me under a lot of stress in general, and this is just the last straw! She’s taking me for an idiot!

[jennyjoan]

My cousin is coming through exactly what you are coming through. it's her aunt of 93 - ungrateful person you could ever meet. Manages to still be even tho she is bedbound. Compos mentis too.

[Cloverjo]

You don't mention dementia, but having seen how a neighbour became spiteful after her brain started to go, it makes me think this could be the problem.

Perhaps you should take her to GP to ask about this if it hasn't been diagnosed already.

[peachybabe]

I wish that I could say that there mental health issues, but she’s totally with it! Very sharp in every way. Even her Doctor has said so!

[peachybabe]

Mamyalynne. I like your idea of asking her what should happen now. But as I said, she’s denied previous misdemeanours even when confronted with evidence!

[murraymints]

Don't make yourself ill over it ! Show her the footage and ask for an explanation, if she can manage her daily life ,given the semi sheltered accommodation , back off for a bit, don't allow her to emotionally blackmail you..

[hellywelly4]

Would you be able to be strong enough to give her an ultimatum that if she continues behaving in this way you won't call at all? I'm 77 living on a sheltered housing complex and would never dream of expecting either of my daughters to wait on me. I get on with things myself and try not to worry them. I think you are being too kind to her and she needs a short sharp shock. Does she have reasonable health? If she does, walk away for a while. You are being too kind to her.

[Mamyalynne]

Well, she can deny all she wants, you have the footage - but stick with this issue not past ones and simply say 'What happens now Mum?'

[pixie374]

Would it be worth getting a regular carer in? It would take a lot of pressure off you and she would be less likely to do this with someone else. Hopefully, your visits will become less intense.

[jackthehat]

I'd show her the footage and challenge her to explain it.
If she refuses suggest that not visiting her, for a few days, might give her the time and space to reconsider and get back to you with an answer.

[kvalidir]

At the risk of being slightly the odd one out here I'd like to make an observation that happy people are not spiteful or attention seeking and I think there must be a deep and underlying security problem with your Mum to elicit such behaviour. She clearly craves attention from you, perhaps she sense that you are tired, fed up and dare I say it slightly resentful and therefore fears that you might distance yourself. The drama would ensure that you don't ( were it true). I would sit down and have a chat about it preferably where you can show her the footage if necessary and ask her what's wrong,ask her to be honest, tell her that you love her and that you want to spend time with her but that you need to be able to rely on her not to do things like this again. Often the sourest, most unpleasant people are the loneliest and most desperately insecure, and direct confrontation as such will only make that worse, so I think this needs to be sidled in, I do feel for you though, it must be an awful situation to be in xx

[johnny.5]

maybe she is just bored
have you thought about her getting a pet ?

[david small]

Tell her she’s a nasty, crafty, vindictive, horrible person. Show her the film. Tell her to change her ways, or, you’ll leave her to fester in her own spite.......tough love....
Been there, it just worsened with tolerance.

[peachybabe]

HellyWelly4. Thank you. It’s really useful to get feedback from someone who is “on the other side” so to speak.
pixie 374. She will not have anyone else in her home. I have suggested that she gets someone in to clean for a couple of hours a week. Not that she needs it, she is fairly capable. But I suggested that it would be someone that could bring in different things to talk about etc. No joy.
kvalidir. You’re thinking along the same lines as me. But as I have said before, this isn’t an isolated incident. I am fully aware that she plays everyone off against each other; family, friends, neighbours. She literally slates everyone off against each other and has caused complete breakdowns in relationships.
Johnny.5. Several people have suggested this in the past and she has thankfully refused. I say thankfully because although this might sound really awful, she is so nasty that I wouldn’t put it past her to harm the animal to get more attention!
David small. Oh, I’ve come so close to this!

You guys really don’t know how much I value your suggestions and general input! I can’t obviously discuss this with family members without turning everyone against her, and at her age, I wouldn’t want to do that. It would also make me look just as spiteful and nasty as she is. I have put up with this for the last two years since my Dad died, and although it sounds awful, I’ve only done that because I know that she won’t be around forever. But to be honest, I really feel that this is the last straw. She told me a while ago that she was “frightened” of me because I am so honest! I have walked away before and told her to get on with it, but as there is no one else to deal with her, what can I do?

Abers are the best. You’re always there for support and advice!

I’ll sleep on it, and will try to get back to you over the next couple of days to let you know what’s happened.
xxx

[Jackdaw33]

I live in sheltered accommodation. Tonight they had a party in honour of St George's day. I didn't attend. Someone collared me in the corridor and asked why I was not joining in. My reply was to the effect that sitting amongst a load of sozzled old biddies, who get high as a kite on a single glass of sherry, munching pie and peas, talking bovine deposits and singing songs from WW II was not my idea of a pleasant evening. I fear I may have gained the reputation of being somewhat antisocial. LOL!