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Stay Living With My Mom Or Move Out?
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Hey everyone. I think this is going to be a long post but I feel stuck and would really appreciate some advice.
My situation is very confusing and strange. I'm 21 years old now, but my life has been chaotic and far from normal. I grew up with both of my parents and unfortunately my dad passed when I was 7. We were extremely close but as I get older I'm realizing that some things were off considering I was slapped/hit throughout my entire childhood. My mom and I did not get along at all but throughout my childhood she worked hard to provide for me. We never lived with other people and she always did her best to have me be involved in sports, activities, and the like. Still, because she worked so much, I rarely saw her and when we spent time together she was verbally and physically abusive. She went out on multiple dates with men nearly every week and I grew up feeling like I needed to beg for attention from her, which I still struggle with today. Eventually when I was in the 6th grade she met someone and got married so we moved. From the 6th grade until the beginning of my senior year of high school her husband was verbally and physically abusive to us. Throughout this period my mom and I bonded and got close. I feel like this was only due to survival mode though, given the fact that we had never gotten along prior to that traumatic period in our lives. One day I literally feared for my life and that's when I called the police, which she kept discouraging me to do while we lived with him. He told her their marriage was over and only then is when my mom left and we moved. I finished my senior year and I was happy, but tension grew between my mom and I. She's a very anxious/socially awkward person and English is not her first language, so even though I also speak Russian, it's not my first language and this creates a barrier between our communication.
Regardless, I was happy for my mom since she was now providing for herself and living her life. She never had any friends and tells me she purposely does not want to get close to anyone or have any friends, which is why I think she despises being single. She relies on men for EVERYTHING despite the fact she has a great job that gives amazing benefits and pays really well. This is why I was dumbfounded when my first week of college I got a call saying she was moving in with a guy she had been dating for 5 months. I wish I was kidding.
College was the best 4 years of my entire life. I distanced myself from my mom and her new boyfriend that she lived with and only came home during breaks (because if students weren't kicked out of the dorms, I would've stayed there). Her new boyfriend is one of the fakest people I've ever met, and it's extremely difficult to have a normal conversation with someone who is blatantly manipulative, conniving, and borderline sociopathic. He's cheated on my mom, which is a common theme in her relationships, yet she stays because she claims she's saving rent money and doesn't care..... which is contradictory considering she complains about every little thing he does 24/7.
Recently I graduated college in the top 10% of my class and moved back home. I'm looking for jobs but nothing pays over 50,000 so there's no way I can move out and live my life. My mom knows this, and keeps saying, "if you don't make over 50,000 you'll never be able to live alone and move out. Do you know how much taxes are? You'll never be able to support yourself. But I'll take care of you so stop worrying about that." Living with her and her boyfriend is spiraling me into a depression I can't get out of. It's only been 4 months and I've lost nearly every passion and interest I used to have. I've gained weight and feel a heavy burden of stress I can't escape no matter how hard I try. My mom sold my car my freshman year of college without asking me, so my independence is limited to that of a 14-year-old. I don't even have a bike, so maybe it's more like a 6-year-old.
Recently my mom
My situation is very confusing and strange. I'm 21 years old now, but my life has been chaotic and far from normal. I grew up with both of my parents and unfortunately my dad passed when I was 7. We were extremely close but as I get older I'm realizing that some things were off considering I was slapped/hit throughout my entire childhood. My mom and I did not get along at all but throughout my childhood she worked hard to provide for me. We never lived with other people and she always did her best to have me be involved in sports, activities, and the like. Still, because she worked so much, I rarely saw her and when we spent time together she was verbally and physically abusive. She went out on multiple dates with men nearly every week and I grew up feeling like I needed to beg for attention from her, which I still struggle with today. Eventually when I was in the 6th grade she met someone and got married so we moved. From the 6th grade until the beginning of my senior year of high school her husband was verbally and physically abusive to us. Throughout this period my mom and I bonded and got close. I feel like this was only due to survival mode though, given the fact that we had never gotten along prior to that traumatic period in our lives. One day I literally feared for my life and that's when I called the police, which she kept discouraging me to do while we lived with him. He told her their marriage was over and only then is when my mom left and we moved. I finished my senior year and I was happy, but tension grew between my mom and I. She's a very anxious/socially awkward person and English is not her first language, so even though I also speak Russian, it's not my first language and this creates a barrier between our communication.
Regardless, I was happy for my mom since she was now providing for herself and living her life. She never had any friends and tells me she purposely does not want to get close to anyone or have any friends, which is why I think she despises being single. She relies on men for EVERYTHING despite the fact she has a great job that gives amazing benefits and pays really well. This is why I was dumbfounded when my first week of college I got a call saying she was moving in with a guy she had been dating for 5 months. I wish I was kidding.
College was the best 4 years of my entire life. I distanced myself from my mom and her new boyfriend that she lived with and only came home during breaks (because if students weren't kicked out of the dorms, I would've stayed there). Her new boyfriend is one of the fakest people I've ever met, and it's extremely difficult to have a normal conversation with someone who is blatantly manipulative, conniving, and borderline sociopathic. He's cheated on my mom, which is a common theme in her relationships, yet she stays because she claims she's saving rent money and doesn't care..... which is contradictory considering she complains about every little thing he does 24/7.
Recently I graduated college in the top 10% of my class and moved back home. I'm looking for jobs but nothing pays over 50,000 so there's no way I can move out and live my life. My mom knows this, and keeps saying, "if you don't make over 50,000 you'll never be able to live alone and move out. Do you know how much taxes are? You'll never be able to support yourself. But I'll take care of you so stop worrying about that." Living with her and her boyfriend is spiraling me into a depression I can't get out of. It's only been 4 months and I've lost nearly every passion and interest I used to have. I've gained weight and feel a heavy burden of stress I can't escape no matter how hard I try. My mom sold my car my freshman year of college without asking me, so my independence is limited to that of a 14-year-old. I don't even have a bike, so maybe it's more like a 6-year-old.
Recently my mom
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Recently my mom said she found a place and is in the process to buy it. We would both live there. Her boyfriend would stay with us here and there and she would be gone to be at his house some days of the week. I'm angry and miserable at the thought of having to live with my mom. Ever since I was a child I dreamed about the day I graduated college and moved out for good - cutting 90% of contact with my mom and 100% from whoever was next in her serial relationship list. My mom knows I'm miserable and knows I'm dying to move back to the city. Right now we're living with her boyfriend in the middle of no where. I see maybe one person a day and I just can't anymore. Although I'm desperate to move back to the city, I also want to distance myself from my mom.
If I had unlimited funds I would move out tomorrow, leave everything behind, and not say a word. I can't live like this anymore. My mom is an actual narcissist who is ruining my life and her boyfriend is nothing of help either. I have tried so hard to be honest with my mom and talk things through, but she refuses to listen and tells me to get over it and meditate. By this point I know she's never going to change. If I get trapped paying a mortgage with her it's going to lock me down for life.
I can't risk my life for the sake of living in a purchased home with my mom. She found a great deal on this home, so to lose it would be a big deal, but even bigger would be me struggling for freedom as I've already been doing my whole life.
What should I do? I feel conflicted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Recently my mom said she found a place and is in the process to buy it. We would both live there. Her boyfriend would stay with us here and there and she would be gone to be at his house some days of the week. I'm angry and miserable at the thought of having to live with my mom. Ever since I was a child I dreamed about the day I graduated college and moved out for good - cutting 90% of contact with my mom and 100% from whoever was next in her serial relationship list. My mom knows I'm miserable and knows I'm dying to move back to the city. Right now we're living with her boyfriend in the middle of no where. I see maybe one person a day and I just can't anymore. Although I'm desperate to move back to the city, I also want to distance myself from my mom.
If I had unlimited funds I would move out tomorrow, leave everything behind, and not say a word. I can't live like this anymore. My mom is an actual narcissist who is ruining my life and her boyfriend is nothing of help either. I have tried so hard to be honest with my mom and talk things through, but she refuses to listen and tells me to get over it and meditate. By this point I know she's never going to change. If I get trapped paying a mortgage with her it's going to lock me down for life.
I can't risk my life for the sake of living in a purchased home with my mom. She found a great deal on this home, so to lose it would be a big deal, but even bigger would be me struggling for freedom as I've already been doing my whole life.
What should I do? I feel conflicted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
If I were you I would be searching for a job....whilst you say that you live a distance from others you may well be able to find a job (not a forever type of job more ajob where you can save some money...factories, farms, petrol stations, cafes, cleaning etc etc) Work will give you an income that you can save some of towards future rent,give you some self pride in that you are working towards a goal and will put you in touch with other people...You can look for more appropriate jobs knowing you have money behind you to help. I worked in school kitchens, sausage factory, juice factory, cleaner in hospital, filing ...and more before I settled down to teach! Or you could apply for the services straight away. Good luck
Sorry I haven't read your whole post, but it's clear you need to move out and regain your independence. As others have said you don't need a big salary to do so. When I first left home properly after uni I rented a tiny bedsit and worked in two pubs. It'll be fairly tough at first making the change but it's time to do it.
Definitely find a job....whether it's "anything" or one that's a stepping stone to the career you want. Then find a room to rent. Not as pricey as an apartment or flat but it will be *your* space. Stop worrying, questioning, procrastinating...just do it while you are motivated. This is your life...no one else's.
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