Confusion in a double long time love.

[merdok]

Hi,

I'm 25 years old and i've been with my girlfriend for just over 7 years now. I love her dearly and we are very close, people often comment on how loving and tender we are with each other even after such a long time and often assume we are a new couple.

The problem is another girl who I think I may also love. Now I'm not a 'love rat' before anyone calls me it... I've never done anything more than hold this girls hand and I'm really not the cheating type anyway.

To make thins easier I'm going to call my girlfriend 'girl1' and the other girl 'girl2'.

Ok... so I've been with girl1 since I was 17, I cant remember a time without her and she is the only girl I've ever done anything more than kiss with. Girl 2 i've known for about 6 years... me and girl1 enrolled ina night course together and girl2 happened to be in the same course, they became 'sort of' friends and would take the same bus home and talk... at this point I found girl2 attractive but didnt have any other feelings for her.

about a year and a half later I started working at a company which it turned out she also worked at... I emailed her to ask how her results were and she emailed back and we became very close friends... I found out several years later that she didnt even realise we were in the same class at the time and emailed me back cos she liked me... about 5 years ago one of her friends told me that she was in love with me but I didnt want to do anything as I was with girl1. Since then she has told me herself (whilst very drunk) that she loved me too.

[merdok]

Ok, on to girl1.... we have a very loving relationship but she is very difficult, for the first five years of our relationship we were very much on-again-off-again and in the last 'off-again' phase we stopped seeing each other... i moved out of our house and started hanging around with girl2 more... we even went on holiday together with our mutual friend. During that holiday I became quite down as although I was having the time of my life (currently not surpassed) with girl2 and my mate I was missing girl1 and was very aware that this holiday would be killing her... so I rang her every night to make sure she knew that I was thinking of her.

When I got home I stopped seing girl2 as I'm scared of how close we got... I've only seen her about 4/5 times in about a year and a half... me and girl1 have stopped fighting as much... we still argue as she has a foul temper and a short fuse... and she gets stressed over minor things... but she's wonderful and smart and so beautiful. Every time we have decided to split up in the past we have both ended up regretting it and getting back together and neither of us have been able to move on with anyone else... including me and girl2.

I'm pretty sure I love them both... but I dont know who I want... I have a history of making the wrong decision and I dont want to make this one wrong... who do I be with?

[merdok]

They both have their good and bad points... in fact I'll list them here if that helps:

Girl1...

Good: glamourous and beautiful, very clever but no common sense (I like that as it makes her cute) she is quite funny and very loving and affectionate... sometimes all I can do is stare at her.

Bad: bad temper, has a habit of putting me down if she's aggitated, easliy aggitated, impatient, selfish and is getting to be a little bit on the porky side (doesnt really matter to me but it IS a bad point), she's quite a bit taller than me. We have such a long and difficult history.

Girl 2:

Good: Equally beautiful, shorter than me, sexy and fiesty, identical sense of humour to me, wild and adventurous, fun and she makes me feel like I'm very loved even though she's not my girlfriend, no difficult history.

Bad: The wildcat part of her makes her reckless and immature, she is sometimes a little bit scary with how wild she can be, she has a string of jilted boyfriends (but her friends tell me that its because she wants me), I'm not 100% sure she even loves me anymore as I dont see her much now.

So who do I choose, do I stay with the one I have or leave her and start anew.

Please can I have some opinions... I know this makes me sound like a prick and I'm sure that I am one... but this is driving me barmy.

[sophie_1003]

if you have such a history with girl1 but are still together there is obviously a lot of good stuff goin on, ask urself if it would be the same if ud gone through all that stuff with girl2, would u be as good with her as u are with girl1? if the answer is no then stick with girl1, if the answer is a yes or even a maybe u shud have a think of what u really want and get it decided as quick as possible, after 7 years u owe it to girl1 to be as honest as possible with her! also, would u have a look at my question titled confused in the main b&s section from a few days ago, u mite be able to shed some light on my own boyfriends behaviour as u sound as confused as him!

[w.h.y.?]

my boyfriend was in a similar situation i unknowingly was girl1,i didn't know girl2 until he made his choice which was me but 2years on I'm a constant reminder of what he could have had,
he regrets the decision though he wouldn't tell me to my face,
and i constantly feel like i'm not good enough.
this will all come out in the end and it will never be the same with you and girl1 again.
girl2 knows ,there isn't any secrets between you no deceit.

[merdok]

I just wish it was more obvious which one I should be with... until I met girl2 I honest throught it was not possible to love more than one person, I'm defniately closer to girl1 but that might be because I avoid girl2 these days so I cant get close to her.

Its a really wierd feeling and I cant say I like it.

[support4]

Under what circumstances do you see girl2?

I mean does she live near - drink in your local etc etc?

[merdok]

I see her only if I choose to, but she tries to contact me a lot as well and with us being friends I dont want to just ignore her as I'm not that kind of person. Girl1 knows and understands I have feelings for girl2 but does not know the full extent of them therefore she does not consider girl2 to be a threat.

[notfrom-oz]

your answering your own question, if you really did feel right with girl1 there would never have been a girl2,
you should choose girl2 and spare girl1s feelings,
it seems to me the only reason you haven't left girl1 is because shes safe.
the only one who's got anything to lose is g1,and from what you've said she doesn't deserve that.
How would you feel if you never saw g2 again?
or never contacted her again? what kind of girl is she to be chasing a man who's a;ready spoken for?doesn't make sound very moral, would you trust her if she was your girlfriend?
more to the point would she trust you knowing that your capable of being a cheat?

[merdok]

Well to be honest I'm not sure I am, as I said I've never done anything with girl2, I try to stay away from her as I'd prefer to not have temptation in front of me. She is just a friend who I became closer to than I expected.

Thinking about what you said I'd feel bad if I never saw girl2 again but I think i'd be devastated if I never saw girl1 again so I guess I did have an answer all along. I still need to find a way to get girl2 out of my head though.

[teag1rl]

You want to get girl2 out of your head? delete her from your phone. She'll get the message. It's the only way I reckon.

[NH]

"So you're caught between girl 1, and girl 2,
You're really caught between girl 1, and girl 2,
Well sticking with the first baby is what I would do...

I ain't go no baby right now but I know how
Precious they are
I ain't got no baby so I have to admire
Someone from afar
If you stick with girl 1, you know just
Where you are."

[merdok]

I've not even seen her for months, she's still in my head though. I think I need to remind myself just what I have with girl1.

[dizydosydoll]

i think this is a case of is the grass greener on the other side well why don't you find out properly, And i hope girl1 finds someone who is honest! 1 thing that i ask of my partner is that if you ever get to the point where you no longer love me or want to be with someone else please just tell me and out of respect I would do the same its not alot to answer and maybe if you did give her that respect then she could make the decision for you!!!!

[dizydosydoll]

not a lot to ask for!

[NH]

dizydosydoll- what he says, though, it that there is another girl who he may ALSO love. It's not a case of wanting to jump ship, it's a case of choosing. I say better the devil you know. Not that I'm say girl 1 is a devil...except she should be in the bedroom :-)

[dizydosydoll]

but i think that he has let things go 2 far with girl 2, when you get the oppertunity to get on too well with someone you nip it in the bud, sure we could all have feelings for more than 1 person if we choose but out of respect you dont.

[merdok]

I disagree completely there, Girl2 is just a friend and always has been, nipping it in the bud wasnt an option as it took a few years of friendship before I realised I had those feelings, I think it probably is just a case of the grass appearing greener in which case girl1 is the right one for me, I just need to stop myself thinking about girl2.

I dont think its a question of honest and respect for girl1, i'm a kind, compassionate and loving boyfriend and i've never cheated on her (or anyone) ever in my life, there is little merit in telling her about my feelings for girl2 and causing her pain just for me to then say 'its ok darling, I chose you!' as that WOULD make me a ******* in my eyes.

[dizydosydoll]

It is ok saying that you are all those nice things but i would trade them in for honesty. Girl1 thinks that she has the perfect man when really he is thinking off another girl and thinking if he should be with her or not.
What happens now, in 10 years time is girl2 going to be the one that got away.
If Girl1 is a good as you say, you should be happy that you have such a good thing or if not let her go for someone else.
Hope all works out for you!

[Gef]

Sorry merdok, but if at 25 you can't make your own mind up then I feel sorry for you.

[Miss Zippy]

You've been in a serious realtionship for all of your adult life. It's natural to wonder what else is out there and if the grass is greener. G2 sounds like she likes the thrill of the chase (hence she keeps contacting you and she has a string of dumped boyfriends behind her) and I think she would soon get bored if she 'caught' you. What you have with G1 is real. However, if you're having doubts now, these probably won't disappear over time and will instead just grow.