Jealousy hang ups

[spk]

Im having major jealousy and insecurity issues at the moment in a relationship Im in with a man I absolutely adore. I have huge hang ups about his ex girlfriend, and dont know how to overcome it. They split up a year ago but she still has a huge emotional hold over him. He doesnt see her anymore, but still has some photos and letters around. I think hes just sort of forgotten that they are there, but they are a horrible reminder for me of what they had and it feels like there are 3 people in our relationship. He even called me by her name by mistake in a conversation and it really hurt. Please talk sense into me before I throw something that is otherwise fantastic away. I feel like me jealousy could ruin everything. Thanks guys x

[jeanette1976]

Poor thing... I know what you mean because I was exactly the same with my first love at 21. I was insane with jealousy everythime his ex was mentioned or was out and sadly, after 2.5 years... he finally got sick of it and left me.... I never forgave myself and that was 8 years ago and I STILL look back at what could have been.

Please please PLEASE don't make the same mistake as me... I've never made the same mistake since, but I've also never met any one else like him since either.

You've just got to remember that he's with you and that there was a problem with their relationship which is obviously why it's ended... a year ago. They would have got back together by now it it was meant to be... but he's with you now, and that's all that matters.

If you think he'd be up for it, talk to him and tell him how much it upsets you and that maybe he should put them out of sight in a cupboard somewhere where you can't see them.

And above all, remember, you can't take away his past... it's always going to be there and if you can't get over it, you're always going to have issues about it which could ruin the best thing that may happen to you.

Good luck! XXX

[ummmm]

A year is not a long time. I split up six months ago but it still feels like yesterday and I still have his picture on the wall (they are cool pictures though)

I've called him by my previous boyfriends name quite a few times.....especially when I'm angry. He use to just smile at me and do the eyebrow wiggle.

They split up for a reason....You're his girlfriend now so let it go and concentrate on that.

[Champagne]

Hi spk. How long was he in a relationship with this girl for? It sounds to me like it was a longterm relationship in which case people often take a while to completely move on from that. It's not that he wants her back and doesn't want you, it's more to do with just getting used to accommodating somebody, and then suddenly they're not in your life anymore. Ignore the fact that he called you by her name. That's happened to the best of us and you have to be big and mature and accept it as a simple mistake.

Jealousy is a healthy reaction. I would be concerned if my partner wasn't at least a little bit jealous about me, as otherwise I'd think he didn't care! But when it starts to consume you then you have to realise that you have a jealousy issue, and that this is YOUR issue alone. It's not fair on any partner to have to contend with another person's irrational problems. For starters, why don't you try not letting him know how jealous you are, i.e. not putting your problems onto him. After a while you'll find that you'll deal with it better on your own anyway.

With regard to these items that remind you of his ex, if he has forgotten about them then pick them up and pack them away in a drawer somewhere. DO NOT BIN THEM!! No matter how tempting it is!!

At the end of the day, spk, you have to realise that he's with you and not his ex. That's really all you need to know.

[spk]

Thanks its much appreciated- he was with her for 5 years, and she cheated on him a few times and he took her back. Then she left him and tried to get back again, quite manipulative and not very nice to him but he still looks at her through rose tinted glasses. I dont slag her off or anything, I would never do that but it just makes me feel really insecure. I know I need to get over it and move on. I really appreciate your answers theyve helped x

[MissLondon]

I think you should get rid of him!!!!!!!!

[Champagne]

BTW spk, your jealous reaction to all this is quite normal. Even without her still having a manipulative hold on him you would just have to know that he was with her for 5 years, OR that he took her back after she cheated, OR even see a photo of her and think she is fairly pretty!! Any one of these things is all it takes to spur your jealousy!! I know, because I'm like that too. Hahaha! It's because you care about him, and because you want him to adore you. That's all. But the reality is that nothing in life is guaranteed (except maybe a new washing machine for 10 years, but that's irrelevant right now�). This man could turn out to be everything you dreamed of, or not! At the very least you have to give it all you've got and be yourself and enjoy it. If he is Mr. Right then fair play to you. If not, then at least enjoy your time together so that if you ever have to look back on it you can say that the good times well outweighed the bad. Ok? x