Is it time to call it a day?

[mini_m]

I've been with my husband 20 years(since I was 16),married for nearly 12. For the last 6 - 12 months he has not been able to hold down a 'proper' job. The last job he lost about 6 weeks ago(not his fault). So you can imagine money has been tight (btw I work full time) 2 weekends ago I told him if he doesn't sort something out I want a trial separation. He started a new job this week and should be paid today, am I being unreasonable to expect him to contribute he seems to think I only want him there for his money! Should I ask him to leave if he doesn't bring any money home this week? It makes me wonder what he has been doing when he's not earning money although he always comes home dirty(he's a mechanic!) He can't seem to understand its not a hobby and you can't always be doing favours for your 'mates'.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i am sure he will be getting some payment for doing 'favours' for his friends. Like the hippy above says, there is no mention of love.
I think you have already made your mind up that you want to leave him, but just need someone on here to tell you to do it so you can feel more at ease with yourself.
After 20 years, it seems a lot to throw away. If he gets paid today and gives you money, are you going to look for some other reason to try and end it with him?

[4getmenot]

love can work through anything. And a woman shouldnt need to rely on her man

[4getmenot]

hello, yes I think she was going with mates wasnt she. and basically I will just have a good well earned break :-)

[mini_m]

Trigger & MrBen, of course I love him, but there is alot more than I have posted. He is a good man but am I wrong to feel that after 20 years we should be able to afford a few luxuries?
4getmenot, I don't quite understand your point, like I said I work I just don't think its fair that I pay for EVERYTHING and he doesn't contribute to the house, so I don't rely on him!

[jno]

well you should be able to afford luxuries, but if he's been sacked, fairly or not, then you won't be able to. Life isn't always fair; it's not going to get any fairer if you're on your own. And no, you can't expect him to contribute if he can't find work; what do you want him to do, rob a bank? He's got a job now; will it kill you to wait until he's paid? If the answer is yes (and it does sound as if you might just have had enough of him), then you'd better go - and just hope you manage to hang on to your own job.

[Cockney_si]

I think you are being a little harsh on him as you've said the last job he has he lost but was not his fault.

Is all your money going towards the both of you when he gets paid or will he be able to share his money with you.

It seems that there is some underying issues here that need to be resolved first.

[lizzydrippin]

Yes, I think from the sounds of it your husband will be much better off without you, it'll give him the chance to maybe find someone who loves him for the person he is rather than how much money he makes. How bad a bloke is he to be doing favours for mates etc. He's not spending all his time getting drunk in the pub is he? You say he has not held down a steady 'proper' job for the last 6-12 months so does that mean he has worked constantly for the previous 19 yrs? Do him a favour and set him free, you are obviously scraping the barrel to look for reasons to separate from him.

[jojojojoanne]

hi,
i believe that love will win out if its true (and compatible?! cynicism: i cant spell is that right?!) but also the question your asking has to be ultimately answered by you, maybe you would like to look at the issue from different perspectives, but after looking from different perspectives you need to make a decision about yourself and how you want to be, what you can compromise and what you cant, the self/selflessness, but isn't life about this? a continual process?until it comes to someones no or yes?

[WendyS]

Did you marry to have a relationship or to have a meal ticket? I'm wondering what kind of communication or lack of it is going on in your marriage about money, since it seems that until a year ago your husband was in full time employment. What is causing him to be unable to hold down "a proper job". I'm sure your constant nagging him about money is doing nothing for his self confidence. OK, so you're working full time. Are you feeling resentful about this? You say it wasn't fault that he lost his last job, so why don't you try giving him some moral support , encouragement and a few much needed hugs instead of telling him you want a separation and letting him feel you only want him for his weekly wage. . Marriage is a case of swings and roundabouts and maybe it's time for the two of you to sit down and have a quiet discussion about domestic finances if you're feeling the strain of paying all the bills if he hasn't been contributing in the past. Why not agree that each of you will pay certain bills in future This commitment may motivate him to get back into a permanent job again. You say your husband is a good man and you love him. Perhaps he's currently feeling inadequate and ashamed of not having a job, but the best way to encourage him back into employment is by being supportive rather than threatening to break up your marriage.

[society]

WendyS,

Well said. You always give thoughtful, sound and realistic advice. I support what you said.

Mini,

Suppose you were in his position and he in yours, how would you feel? What would you think. If you truly love him you would never think of sacking him after twenty years of togetherness. Maybe there's more to this that you're not telling? Give the man a chance, maybe this is the period of his life where things might be a bit down, things will eventually turn around. Good luck :-) xx

[4getmenot]

you should just pay for yourself then he'll realise that he has to work